Onions: Friend or FOE?

First, I would like to thank @debihen for sending me an invaluable article about the benefits and perils of onions. I have been undecided about onions for quite some time now. I like the idea of onions, but sometimes, people get carried away. Especially when they put raw onions in my potato salad without even asking me if I would enjoy having bad breath for an entire day, or being dead. I suppose they are only assuming I have recently been clipping coupons in order to purchase 800 containers of Tic Tacs, or a coffin. This is rarely the case.

As it turns out, onions are saving lives. Or trying to kill you. Let’s look at the facts:

In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people there was this doctor that visited the many farmers to see if he could help them combat the flu. Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it, and many died.

The doctor came upon this one farmer, and to his surprise, everyone was very healthy.   When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different, the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then). The doctor couldn’t believe it and asked if he could have one of the onions and place it under the microscope. She gave him one and when he did this, he did find the flu virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed the bacteria, therefore, keeping the family healthy.

I know you are thinking what kind of doctor carries around a microscope around from farm to farm in the year 1919, but I assure you it was very practical matter at the time. What they did not tell you was that the family was a family of extreme coupon clippers and the wife had just bought 800 onions because they were buy one get one free. But none of this matters. This family was indeed saved by onions; therefore, onions are our friends.

Call off the medical research teams and pull out the chef knives. The key to survival is onions.

Let’s look at the next key piece of evidence.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in AZ. She said that several years ago many of her employees were coming down with the flu and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop. To her surprise, none of her staff got sick. It must work….Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and we never got the flu.

Personally, I have placed cut onions around my desk at work, and I have not caught the flu as of yet. Actually, I didn’t have onions handy from the outset and had to start off with cut rutabagas, but that hardly seems relevant. As soon as any germ carrying members of my office come around, I can see them scurrying away, obviously terrified by the onions. They work great.

However, I have recently begun to worry that the onions on my desk are trying to kill me, and not without good reason:

Lots of times when we have stomach problems we don’t know what to blame. Maybe it’s the onions that are to blame. Onions absorb bacteria is the reason they are so good at preventing us from getting colds and flu’s and is the very reason we shouldn’t eat an onion that has been sitting for a time after it has been cut open!

Take it from Ed:

Ed is a chemistry expert and is involved in developing most of the sauce formula. He’s even developed sauce formula for McDonald’s. (Dear Ed: Mixing pickle relish with mayo is NOT a sauce formula. It is an accident.)

Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz. (Granted, I am not sure if Ed was granted this title based on his McDonald’s secret sauce formula, or from other unmentioned accomplishments. However, I am sure he is highly qualified in these matters.)   Someone asked Ed if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed’s answer will surprise you. Ed said that all commercially made Mayo is completely safe and “doesn’t even have to be refrigerated.”

You hear THAT everyone? You have been refrigerating mayonnaise for years… for NOTHING! You could have kept it right by your bed at night all this time for snacking. Suckers!

Ed says that  when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the ‘victim’ last ate ONIONS and where those onions came from (in the potato salad?).   Ed says it’s not the mayonnaise that spoils in the outdoors. It’s probably the Onions.

He explained, onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion.. He says it’s not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator.

So, there you have it. Onions are certain death. If you want to kill someone, but a zip-lock bag of cut-up onions in their refrigerator. Then you should steal their mayonnaise, just in case. It is apparently going to take you forever to kill them with mayonnaise.

Please wear this shirt to warn others. Unless, of course, you are using onions to kill them.

I feel uncomfortable having the onions on my desk now that I know they are trying to kill me. I am going to stick with the cut up rutabagas. And, of course, the jars of mayonnaise.

Thanks, Ed! We all owe you one.

This shirt is for you, Ed. I am assuming you don't get proper recognition for your accomplishment.