Onions: Friend or FOE?

First, I would like to thank @debihen for sending me an invaluable article about the benefits and perils of onions. I have been undecided about onions for quite some time now. I like the idea of onions, but sometimes, people get carried away. Especially when they put raw onions in my potato salad without even asking me if I would enjoy having bad breath for an entire day, or being dead. I suppose they are only assuming I have recently been clipping coupons in order to purchase 800 containers of Tic Tacs, or a coffin. This is rarely the case.

As it turns out, onions are saving lives. Or trying to kill you. Let’s look at the facts:

In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people there was this doctor that visited the many farmers to see if he could help them combat the flu. Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it, and many died.

The doctor came upon this one farmer, and to his surprise, everyone was very healthy.   When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different, the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then). The doctor couldn’t believe it and asked if he could have one of the onions and place it under the microscope. She gave him one and when he did this, he did find the flu virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed the bacteria, therefore, keeping the family healthy.

I know you are thinking what kind of doctor carries around a microscope around from farm to farm in the year 1919, but I assure you it was very practical matter at the time. What they did not tell you was that the family was a family of extreme coupon clippers and the wife had just bought 800 onions because they were buy one get one free. But none of this matters. This family was indeed saved by onions; therefore, onions are our friends.

Call off the medical research teams and pull out the chef knives. The key to survival is onions.

Let’s look at the next key piece of evidence.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in AZ. She said that several years ago many of her employees were coming down with the flu and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop. To her surprise, none of her staff got sick. It must work….Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and we never got the flu.

Personally, I have placed cut onions around my desk at work, and I have not caught the flu as of yet. Actually, I didn’t have onions handy from the outset and had to start off with cut rutabagas, but that hardly seems relevant. As soon as any germ carrying members of my office come around, I can see them scurrying away, obviously terrified by the onions. They work great.

However, I have recently begun to worry that the onions on my desk are trying to kill me, and not without good reason:

Lots of times when we have stomach problems we don’t know what to blame. Maybe it’s the onions that are to blame. Onions absorb bacteria is the reason they are so good at preventing us from getting colds and flu’s and is the very reason we shouldn’t eat an onion that has been sitting for a time after it has been cut open!

Take it from Ed:

Ed is a chemistry expert and is involved in developing most of the sauce formula. He’s even developed sauce formula for McDonald’s. (Dear Ed: Mixing pickle relish with mayo is NOT a sauce formula. It is an accident.)

Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz. (Granted, I am not sure if Ed was granted this title based on his McDonald’s secret sauce formula, or from other unmentioned accomplishments. However, I am sure he is highly qualified in these matters.)   Someone asked Ed if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed’s answer will surprise you. Ed said that all commercially made Mayo is completely safe and “doesn’t even have to be refrigerated.”

You hear THAT everyone? You have been refrigerating mayonnaise for years… for NOTHING! You could have kept it right by your bed at night all this time for snacking. Suckers!

Ed says that  when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the ‘victim’ last ate ONIONS and where those onions came from (in the potato salad?).   Ed says it’s not the mayonnaise that spoils in the outdoors. It’s probably the Onions.

He explained, onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion.. He says it’s not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator.

So, there you have it. Onions are certain death. If you want to kill someone, but a zip-lock bag of cut-up onions in their refrigerator. Then you should steal their mayonnaise, just in case. It is apparently going to take you forever to kill them with mayonnaise.

Please wear this shirt to warn others. Unless, of course, you are using onions to kill them.

I feel uncomfortable having the onions on my desk now that I know they are trying to kill me. I am going to stick with the cut up rutabagas. And, of course, the jars of mayonnaise.

Thanks, Ed! We all owe you one.

This shirt is for you, Ed. I am assuming you don't get proper recognition for your accomplishment.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

23 Responses to Onions: Friend or FOE?

  1. Debihen says:

    This info, along with my mom’s warning about olives being “tricky” have made me leary to eat anything. Upon reflection though it’s a pretty safe bet I can eat mayo without a problem. I am following your example Lisa and surrounding my desk with onions. If it kept the people I work with at bay, I’m willing to risk onion poisoning.

  2. I’m confused. Do raw onions absorb both bacteria and viruses? They are completely different things. In fact, bacteria are more related to us humans than to viruses.

    Also, why would onions absorb bacteria? Do they need to replenish their internal bacterial flora? What’s going on here?

    I suggest we prioritise research fundings to answer these burning questions.

  3. Btw: two posts on the same day? Is that even allowed?

  4. Gigi says:

    And THIS is , why I don’t want onions in anything I eat….but if they have life saving properties, without having to eat them, then I will gladly cut up an onion and put it on my desk. And yeah, TWO posts in one day? Have you been eating the onions?

    • lgalaviz says:

      I am stuck in no-man’s land. The only things here are a TV with basic cable, and my computer. I’ve been here for days. So, yes… I am spending my time writing about onions. What else would a person do in these circumstances? Of course, there IS Twitter.

  5. Brenna says:

    It’s obvious that onions absorb bacteria/viruses (virii?)/bad karma from the environment to PROTECT themselves against those of us who eat them. I think you can live in harmony with the onions you place on your desk. As long as you have, you know, an understanding.

  6. MsDarkstar says:

    I make it a habit to eat onions on a regular basis, particularly on work days for lunch to minimize any contact with other humans for the rest of the day, thus reducing the possibility that I will come in contact with any of the germs other humans are carrying around. I put Garlic on my desk to keep away evil spirits and vampires (especially sparkly-ass vampires but NOT Little Vampires because Little Vampires are only a danger to blood oranges)

    I do have to admit I find rutabegas repulsive, so they would definitely keep me away from your desk, Lisa.

    I have to wonder if maybe my propensity for eating onions is why Lisa doesn’t want to have lunch with me. Or if it’s because I’m an oxidant killer and she doesn’t want to admit that her post about Teavana set me on the road to the slaying of (probably) billions of Oxidants.

    And I need clarification, what exactly are tricky olives? Are they the green kind (which I’ve never trusted) or the black kind or more the fancy kalamata type (should we keep an extra wary eye on foreign olives or is that some sort of xenophobia?)

    • lgalaviz says:

      It is definitely the oxidant-killing. Some of my best friends are oxidants. And also, foreign olives.

    • debihen says:

      Tricky Olives…according to my mom, you have to be careful when using olives in anything because they are, well, tricky. Upon prodding her further, she tells me that olives can sometimes go bad, and you risk food poisoning. Apparently all these years that we all thought mayonnaise made potato salad get “iffy” after sitting in the sun all day; well folks we were wrong. According to my mom, it was those preserved in a salty brine, shelf life of, well, forever, olives. Damn tricky things been trying to kill us.

  7. lahikmajoe says:

    There’s nothing you can say that’ll change my love for onions.

    Raw, cooked…fried or boiled. While reading this, I realised I often cut an onion in half, use one side & save the other to be used the next day. Now I know I’ve been living life on the edge. What’ll I do with this information? Nothing.

    I shall eat the other half of my onion…with relish. Literally, as well as figuratively.

    • lgalaviz says:

      Well, I did get this information from an email forward, a very reliable source. So, it you want to take your life in your hands, go right ahead.

      Actually, I like cooked onions, and always leave the other half to use later. I too live life on the edge, you see. People try, but no one can stop me.

  8. Duncan says:

    So, if you use an onion, use the whole thing at once, because cut onions spoil quickly. And they spoil because they absorb bad stuff from the room.

  9. a says:

    I wonder if garlic has the same power. My husband tries to meld with the toilet seat every time I feed him garlic. Or maybe he’s just a vampire. Further research may be necessary.

    I would like to know how olives are tricky too…

  10. The ironic thing with onions (and garlic. And chilli peppers) is that they produce these – rather expensive – irritating chemicals to protect themselves from being eaten by animals, and along comes this bipedal ape and gets so fond of the taste of it that it starts to grow them specifically to be eaten! The poor onions just can’t win!

  11. JamieRene says:

    There is a constant war between my husband and myself regarding onions. I am pro-onion, he says they contain sulfuric acid and will kill you. He even tells waiters in restaurants that he has a deadly allergy so they’ll consider him a potential liability and not put onions anywhere near his food. Which is sad. Because I would have eaten those onions. Nice job balancing both sides of the great onion debate – I’ll be sharing with my other half.

  12. Satan says:

    FOE. onions are my worst enemy. see, i hate the slimy little fuckers. that’s when they’re cooked, and they’re even worse when they’re raw.
    and WORSE THAN THAT, they lurk in EVERYTHING. everything.
    so when i’m sitting in the caf at work, minutely inspecting my soup and throwing stuff BACK into my bowl, making me look like a complete psychopath…
    it’s allllll the fault of onions.
    see? onions make you look like you have mental illness.
    definitely trying to kill me.

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