How to Endure a PowerPoint Presentation

Some of you are excruciatingly aware based on my Twitter and Blog rants that I recently went to a conference.

This conference, which sucked all the humor out of my brain, was divided into two tracks, Business and Technical. After a day of watching people type and then point to lines of code, my head went numb. Therefore, I decided to take a break from the Technical Track, and cross over to the Business side.

The first thing I notice about the Business Track is the change in dress code. The polo shirts and torn jeans from the Technical Track have given over to power suits. Also, no one in this room has an iPad, or a laptop open. No one is even typing into a phone. They all have notepads and tablets. Not ThinkPads or electronic tablets either… they are using pens. I decide that I too will get out a pen and take notes. By ‘take notes’ I mean write down random crap I’m thinking during the presentation. My plan is do this with a very serious look on my face so as to appear productive.

Pablo, our presenter for the afternoon, is Italian. I’m not sure if all Italian men resemble a Ken dolls with longer than average side burns, but Pablo does. Pablo thoughtfully takes a moment to inform us of his hobbies. Apparently, he enjoys running, reading, socializing, and jazz. These seem like odd hobbies to me, but then again people describe my hobby as, “Typing sarcastic shit into the Interweb.” I discreetly enter Pablo’s list of hobbies into Twitter. A few seconds later, @Handflapper and I agree that Pablo most likely uses liberal amounts of Axe body spray.

There is a snack basket being handed around the room, but I have already had three bags of Cheetos today. I can’t possibly eat anymore Cheetos. Entering information about the surplus of Cheetos into Twitter results in @lahikmajoe challenging the ‘real’ cheese aspect of Cheetos. Sadly, I fail to defend the cheese content and admit to eating orange powder. My potential marketing position over at Cheetos is now in serious jeopardy.

The next slide of Pablo’s Business Track presentation says, “INFORMATION OVERLOAD.” I write this down in huge letters on the notebook. I am so winning at taking notes right now.

I don’t know if all Italian men frame their sentences oddly while using a thick Italian accent, but Pablo does. He declares with enthusiasm that we are “very much overloaded with information.” Apparently, he fails to see the irony that he is very much contributing to the overload.

I check Twitter again. @jbrown3079 suggests that the Cheetos’ lack of appeal means it is time to leave the conference post haste. Pablo seems unaware of both @jbrown3079’s timely advice and my strong urge to leave his presentation. He pushes on to the next slide which is a picture of Facebook. “Knowledge is evolving,” he states with confidence. I am unsure how this message is connected with Facebook. He really should have gone with Wikipedia for that one, or maybe YouTube.

Pablo’s next slide is inexplicably a Jackson Pollock painting. I am suddenly missing the screens of code. I had a good setup over there with my laptop and duck. Why did I come over here to listen to Pablo? This has been a huge mistake. I check Twitter again to consol myself. @bottledshiny states, “My brain went far, far away.” She must be at this conference somewhere. If I didn’t have to keep my brain in my skull it would have made a run for it a long time ago.

Proceeds from the sale of this shirt go to @bottledshiny. Wait… I suddenly remembered this shirt doesn’t exist. If you see @bottledshiny, just hand her money. Thanks.

About mid-PowerPoint, I notice that Pablo likes to end the most important points of his presentation with the word, ‘whatever.’ Example: “These types of activities are directly linked to content growth and whatever.” “The link between a data driven community is evaluated by business integration, analysis, and whatever.”

Are we supposed to be furnishing the last parts of these statements for him? This could be a call for help. To salvage the rest of the presentation, I will combine Pablo’s statements with those of the most eloquent person I know: The Bloggess.

To decrease legibility, Pablo’s statements are in teal, while contributions stolen from Jenny’s blog are in pink italics. This is all I can do for you today, despite its skull casing, my brain has gone far, far away.

The link between a data driven community is evaluated by business integration, analysis, and I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine.

There are endless opportunities in this type of methodology, but it is very hard to pretend you’re important when all you do is write about clown porn and dead kittens.

A social community is drafting new challenges and homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics.

Taking a step forward, we are making this process more useful. You will see the metric here, distracting you with animal tails and mouse skull necklaces.

Who are the influencers of the most important sources of information? Are they prepared for a long vaginal court battle with Eve Ensler?

Hard-linking communities and business improve the internal process, and there are some things that you shouldn’t have to worry about spontaneously combusting and one of those is jam.

To close with the last part, you can dive deep with this in-depth approach, and what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic. (Okay, that one was free)