How to Survive at Jury Duty – Part Two – Arriving at the Courthouse

When you arrive at the courthouse, there will be lots of other people arriving at the courthouse. They will be parking their cars and walking into the courthouse like they know what they are doing. Do not be fooled by this behavior. They have no clue either. Just casually park your car and walk in like you know what you are doing.

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The is what a basic courthouse will look like. Your results may vary.

After you park your car and walk in, you will go through the metal detectors, because you aren’t allowed to take your scissors or guns into the courthouse. As a general rule, I try not to carry around stuff I can kill people with, so this didn’t bother me.

statue

Wait… Why does THIS guy get a sword??

Once you enter the building, you will find out that all the people who looked like they knew what they were doing, really have no idea. As for me, I NEVER know what I am doing, so this is a situation I know how to handle. The first thing you should do is look for some sort of sign. It may be subtle, so look closely.

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Thanks, sign people. This is just what I was looking for.

Once you have found the sign, you should go where it directs. At that point, you will join billions of people crammed in a waiting room with back episodes of some home improvement show playing on Home and Garden Television blaring at high volume. You would think they would play Court TV, but go figure. After being tortured by the high pitched giggles of a woman trying to remove a toilet while renovating her bathroom, you will be incredibly grateful when they call your name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Survive at Jury Duty – Part One – What to Wear

So, I got the dreaded postcard in the mail. JURY SUMMONS.

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Failure to appear can result in a fine, incarceration, or both! You don’t want to be incarcerated AND have a fine, because that is the worst.

It is in all caps, because these people are SERIOUS. The first thing that concerns me, as with every new endeavor, is… what the hell do I wear??? The instructions say, “No shorts and no uniforms.” That leaves a LOT of grey area.

I started dealing with this problem by researching the Internet. By “researching the Internet” I mean, ask people on Facebook what they think I should do.

Amy pointed out that within in the boundaries of the rules,  I could wear both shorts AND a uniform. She suggested a “boy scout ensemble.” Debbie recommended an inflatable T-Rex costume, but I couldn’t find one on Amazon with the three day shipping. Carey suggested a hot dog on a stick costume, but again, Amazon delivery on obscure costumes isn’t the best. Joseph recommended a cocktail dress, which was an EXCELLENT idea. Except, I had to be there at 8:30 and the idea of putting on a cocktail dress when I wouldn’t actually be having cocktails was a little depressing. Audriana said I should wear a swimsuit and look disappointed there wasn’t an actual jury “pool.” Which would have been hilarious, but I would never have the nerve to ever wear a swimsuit in public. So, that idea was a fail. Sorry, Audriana… thanks for the effort.

Suz actually offered to loan me her Dr. Seuss hat to wear, which was VERY thoughtful.

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This is what I should have worn to jury duty.

In the end, went with the advice of Paul, which was basically, “Screw their rules.” By “screw their rules,” I mean that I found something to wear that wasn’t shorts and stopped overthinking it. I decided to go with what I would usually wear to work in hopes that I would be quickly dismissed and head on in to the office. This turned out to be a HUGE mistake. I should have taken Suz up on that Dr. Seuss hat.

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This is me, looking normal, for jury duty. Huge mistake.

As it turns out… you should NEVER go to jury duty looking, or being, anywhere near normal. If you don’t want to get stuck in this place for days, you need to step it up a notch. The people of Facebook told me (a little too late, thanks for NOTHING) that isn’t even about what you are wearing. You can carry stuff. Billye suggested murder mysteries because people who read those ask too many questions in the jury room. Robert suggested one of Rush Limbaugh’s books.

However, all of the advice you have heard up until now is all wrong. Gather close, everyone.. I will tell you the true secret of getting out of jury duty. That secret is…. you need a political agenda. Take my advice and get one now so you can have it handy. That way you won’t be trying to order last minute T-Rex costumes on Amazon.

Sweets from Finland

It isn’t everyday that you get a package of sweets from Finland from @heinakroon.

Look everyone I got sweets from Finland. SWEETS! From FINLAND!

Look everyone I got sweets from Finland. SWEETS! From FINLAND!

One fateful morning, I found this package in my mailbox. Andreas sent me salted licorice! I squealed with glee and took my find immediately to the people who would appreciate it the most: my office mates in cubicle land.

My cubicle mate was very impressed that people on Twitter would send me licorice from Finland. My cubicle mate never seems very impressed with me in general because I never know what is on YouTube even though things have had like a million hits or whatever. I save face by telling him that the rock I live under doesn’t get wireless. Today, however, things are about to change. I told him that not ONLY have I received licorice from Finland, I have also received penguin chips from New Zealand (via @carocreature) AND pickled mango with a sexy bikini postcard from Hawaii (via @daralynnieloo). Then… he FOLLOWED me. Can you believe it?

Andreas got me the XXL Salmiak. Because that is how I roll!

Andreas got me the XXL Salmiak. Because that is how I roll!

When Andreas sends you licorice, he is very thorough. Not only did he sent the salted licorice I told him on Twitter I wanted to try, but he also sent a slab of regular licorice, and some lovely chocolate with licorice centers.

This is the licorice assortment I took around the office for EVERYONE to try. They all appreciated it. I can tell by the distrustful looks they gave me.

This is the licorice assortment I took around the office for EVERYONE to try. They all appreciated it. I can tell by the distrustful looks they gave me.

So, I assembled this very attractive platter of licorice from Finland and took it around for everyone to try. People seem to be suspicious of me in general, I have no idea why. Carrying around this licorice assortment did nothing for my credibility. However, sometimes people need me to do stuff for them. Even though I am actually paid money to sit around this place and do things for people, I guess it never hurts to humor someone and try their salted licorice.

How to get people to try your licorice

The chocolate licorice is the gateway licorice. It looks and tastes like a nice creamy chocolate until suddenly, you hit the licorice center. Then, it is too late. You are already committed. You may as well go for the next licorice encounter.

If the person isn’t gagging too much from the licorice-squirting chocolate, then you offer the traditional licorice. I assume it is the traditional licorice. People in the office compared it to ripping apart a tire. Once people successfully rip a section from the licorice slab to start chewing on, it is time for the piece de resistance (and by that I mean the piece they will resist the most)… the salted licorice.

Mmm... salted licorice. Because salt makes everything better.

Mmm… salted licorice. Because salt makes everything better.

I tried the salted licorice several times, because I am assuming it is an acquired taste. Let me just start out by saying this is not a candy to be taken lightly.  At first, the flavor is very intense. Then, once you chew on the candy for a while, it is even more intense. If you like being simultaneously overwhelmed by the flavors of salt and licorice, then this is the treat for you. People in the office usually bit a piece of the salted licorice in half. They would chew it for a few seconds, then start immediately looking for a trash can to accommodate the other half.

This is our candy jar at work. My cubicle mate didn’t even THANK me for filling it up. People can be really ungrateful.

This is our candy jar at work. My cubicle mate didn’t even THANK me for filling it up. People can be really ungrateful.

I placed the rest of the candy in a lovely arrangement in our cubicle’s communal candy bowl. Only one guy really liked it, but he is from Iran. Not even that guy from Honduras who made me try those awful biscuits was a fan of the licorice. But, that does NOT mean that I am ungrateful for my care package from Finland. On the contrary, I would like to submit a formal thank you message to  @heinakroon.

Dear Andreas: Thank you so much for sending us all the licorice assortment. I’m sorry that it wasn’t received as well as I had hoped. Apparently, we aren’t used to licorice candy over here. I really can’t understand why. American licorice is just like licorice in Finland except we take out all the licorice flavor, twirl it around in a nice shape, and make it taste like strawberries. We also give it a cool name. What you call ‘Salmiak,’ we call ‘Twizzlers’. Note multiple use of the letter ‘z’. That is how you know your candy really has something if it is named with lots of z’s.

Hmmm. One of these things is not like the others.

Hmmm. One of these things is not like the others.

All in all, it was lots of fun, getting people to try all the licorice. I still keep it around to put out on my desk once in awhile. I’m fairly certain it has no expiration date, and it is great because people are a little more wary in coming around to chat in a perky voice early in the morning when there is licorice handy that I might make them try. It is like a “Go Away” sign, only subtle.

Come try my licorice... For when a stranger handing out candy just isn't creepy enough.

Come try my licorice… For when a stranger handing out candy just isn’t creepy enough.

Failed Hair Day

Because, when your hair looks great you should get credit for it. Even if it is all drizzly outside.

How to stalk Indiana Jones in the parking lot and miserably fail

There is a jeep that parks outside my work with four-wheel drive and knobby tires. I always imagined Indiana Jones driving that jeep with wearing a leather hat and hanging his whip out an open window (and by that, I mean an ACTUAL whip. Get your pants back on Ding Dong Joe).

Today, I saw the jeep pull into a parking space. The man exiting the jeep looked, disappointingly, nothing like Indiana Jones. He wasn’t rugged, with tan skin weathered from the sun and wind. He was thin and pale. He had glasses and a suit. He had no leather hat. He looked, in fact, like he had never been outdoors a day in his life. I walked into the building reflecting on how disillusioned I was with the driver of this jeep.

Then… I started wondering if people are disappointed with me arriving in my Honda Civic. Who drives a Honda Civic, anyway? Maybe they are expecting a polite Asian man, and here I come out of the car all sarcastic and glaring. I feel like my car is a good fit for me though. I’m a terrible driver because I am essentially bad at aiming at things. This car is small enough to limit the damage of my carelessness and bad aim. Every time I miss something by inches, I am grateful not to be driving some mammoth SUV.

Then… I started thinking about those bumper stickers people put on their cars about their other car being something else. Wait, let me see if I can find an example.

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This seems close enough.

Then… I started thinking about how you could apply this to t-shirts. This is what I came up with…

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Get it? Because, you are trying to impress people, but really you make them think that you only have two shirts. HILARIOUS… right?

Fine. Give me a break. It’s Monday.

Oh… what? It’s Friday? Damn.

A Dollar Make Me Holler

What happened to TV while I wasn’t paying attention?

This all started when the person I share a cubicle with at work asked me, “Do you know Bon Qui Qui?” To which I said, “I dunno. Does she work here?” This happens a lot actually. Because I am not watching YouTube, apparently I have no idea what is going on in the world. So, he directs me to this rather amusing video and we all have a nice laugh.

Bon Qui Qui at King Burger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

I particularly like the part how the dude at the end states he is no longer under house arrest. I don’t know about you, but that is how I pick my men.

So, later on in the week, this same individual asks if I have seen, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. “No,” I innocently reply. So… a brief Google search reveals what people are watching on television these days:

Here is the TLC Promo Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11T59SdqguQ

That was only the trailer. If you look a little below this paragraph, you will notice another YouTube link. This will fully explain the whole disturbing thing. DON’T click it yet! Before you proceed, I must warn you that once you watch this on YouTube, you can never un-see it. Never. Remember that time  you were reading heinakroon.com and suddenly people’s torsos were burning up and you were looking at a bunch of legs sitting there? This is EXACTLY like that. Only with a strange little child that can’t enunciate. And no one spontaneously catches on fire.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=CGM_ANQsQ74
“A dollar make me holler, BABY.” Really? You are going to train your kid to say that and then send her out on stage with a halter top and a pair of daisy dukes? Also, is a dollar even a respectful price point for hollering? You’d think it would be more than that.

Worst of all, this is on TLC…. The LEARNING Channel! At least, I think TLC still stands for The Learning Channel. What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Granted, it is almost a reference guide for turning a six-year-old into a stripper, but I don’t think this is anything I need to know. I don’t even have a little girl, much less one that I want to train to be a stripper. I’m sure I could start some sort of outreach program or something, but I really don’t have time for all that. So, let’s just say I DON’T want to start a stripper training outreach program for six-year olds. Thank you anyway, TLC. Maybe next time you can have a show about how to get started with the meth labs, because THAT is something worth looking into.

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A shirt for all the self-respecting six-year-olds. I tried to make it into a halter top but the words wouldn’t fit.

New Zealand Snack Food

Today I will critique the snack foods of New Zealand. I know you are thinking that I have little or no qualifications to be a snack food critic, much less a New Zealand snack food critic. However, just because I have no food critiquing experience, have never been to New Zealand, and have done absolutely no research on this topic whatsoever, does not mean I can’t be an expert.

All you have to do to be an expert is talk a lot and eventually someone will believe something you say. For example, Amy (AKA Lucy’s Football), once went on a tour with this tour guide who knew absolutely NOTHING about the history from the historical tour. If you ever find yourself in this situation, all you have to do is ask rhetorical questions about miniscule beds and strange wallpaper. Done.

So… who is ready for an elaborate critique of New Zealand snack food?*

*Don’t answer that, Amy. It is RHETORICAL.

First, I would like to thank @sleepsinhats for the generous donation of New Zealand snack foods which she mailed from New Zealand to my house. Unfortunately, I forgot that everyone on Twitter is an assassin. Wait… is EVERYONE on Twitter an assassin, or just @lahikmajoe? I need to ask Amy to clarify that with her dad.

The selection of treats that will most likely cause my untimely demise.

Now that @sleepsinhats has my address, she can drop by and kill me at any time. However, she will have to come all the way from New Zealand first. And, she will also need a place to stay, so she will probably ask if she can crash on my sofa before she kills me, and then I will be totally on to her. So, if anyone else would like to send me snack food from foreign places and then kill me, that would be great. Just make sure I get the snack food items first. I would hate to be killed for no reason.

Wait… what was it I supposed to be writing here? –death by assassin? -strange wallpaper? oh… yeah… New Zealand snack food.

First, let’s start with the peanut butter chocolate. This stuff is to die for. If you have to be killed for snacks, this one is the way to go… literally the creamiest chocolate thing I have ever had. If you are having New Zealand assassins mail you snacks anyway, I highly recommend the peanut butter chocolate.

Next, chocolate covered kiwi. I would classify this treat as green goo encased in a chocolate shell. They remind me of chocolate covered cherries, except with kiwi. I assume there is actually kiwi in there someplace. I had three of these, and it was difficult to locate the kiwi. I may have to step up the research.

The next snack food item is the chicken chips. This was actually the main point of the entire endeavor as I needed strange chip bags to display at work. What else do people do at work besides collect chip bags?

Notice the bag states the chips are chicken flavored, but they are clearly made of penguin. Look… the penguin is RIGHT THERE on the potato chip. Of course, he is a lot less killed and ground up in the picture than he is while settling in on your crisps, but you get the point.

I tried the chicken chips, and they aren’t bad. They actually taste a bit like you are eating potato chips and chicken soup all at the same time. I wonder if people could eat these chips if they have a cold. It might be easier than having an entire bowl of chicken soup. You could actually market these chips in the cold and flu aisle, right next to the TheraFlu and the echinacea. Of course, you would have to take the penguin off. No one ever heard of eating penguin soup when you are under the weather.

As a special thanks to @sleepsinhats for the New Zealand snack food items, I am creating this special t-shirt. You can wear it when you come to visit so I will recognize you.

On further reflection, if you are on Twitter at all you should be wearing this t-shirt. We all might be assassins. Don’t think you aren’t just because you haven’t assassinated anyone yet. It is only Tuesday.