How to Watch an Iconic Movie

Someday, very soon, @lucysfootball and I will watch a beloved American classic and mock it on the Twitter. While you might think that we are trailblazers of social media, the main goal of this experiment is really about the vodka.**

The movie is Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I remember liking this movie, but haven’t seen it for quite some time. I recently revisited the movie on NetFlix. Audrey Hepburn is cute. That is something on which we can all agree. After that, everything pretty much falls apart.

Before going any further, I would like to clear up a few things. First, I don’t consider myself to be a moral person. I don’t need to constantly pass judgment or delineate every action into black in white in order to function in the world.  Second, I am not easily offended. Okay, I am very easily offended but mainly by people who wear too much cologne. If you aren’t wearing too much cologne and while you are serial killing or riding naked on your bike, you are fine. Knock yourself out.

That said, within ten minutes of watching this presumably innocuous movie, I am all kinds of judgy and offended. We don’t really need the Asian gentleman portrayed with buckteeth hitting his head on all the round paper lanterns while yelling, “Miss Go-right-ree!” It just isn’t necessary. Plus, Audrey Hepburn… you are just going to pop in the window of some random stranger’s apartment in your bathrobe because your date is crazy? Really? This isn’t how things are done. The one thing that would this movie better is if the characters would smoke more. I’m sick of all of them. They need to develop emphysema as quickly as possible. And, one more thing, I don’t care how cute you are, you just can’t go around naming everyone ‘Fred.’ It is stupid and annoying. Also, ukuleles are stupid too. There, I said it.

I spent the entire movie wishing he would say this. He never does.

Wow. That was a lot more than I expected to write about the movie. I hope I didn’t burn up all my rants because I am really looking forward to watching it with  @lucysfootball. At first she was hesitant, but I think she is going to be way better at making snide Twitter comments during the movie than I will be.

Enough about the movie, let’s talk vodka…whipped cream vodka. It comes highly recommended. I don’t actually possess my bottle as of yet, but I have a firm goal set to obtain it. There is also some sort of Swedish Fish Vodka. I don’t want to risk the possibly of the vodka not being made from the candy Swedish Fish, but actual fish from Sweden. I will not be getting this vodka. @whoremongers said she has never actually tried smoked salmon vodka, but that she would never try it again. She sounded pretty shook up about the experience of never of trying it, so it must be pretty bad. Therefore, all fish related vodka is out of the question. Don’t even bring it up.

Probably no one will offer you fish vodka, but you can't be too careful.

If anyone would like to join us in watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s while making Tweet remarks and drinking whipped cream vodka, feel free to join us. It is currently available to watch instantly through NetFlix. We will set a time. We may not set it conveniently or with any type of advance notice, so be on alert. Also, you will need a bottle of whipped cream vodka. We probably won’t be able to show up in person to see if you physically have the vodka, but we can tell, so don’t lie. Also, don’t forget we have hammers.

**I finished exactly this much of the blog before my mom loudly mispronounces “kimchi” and tells me I have the weirdest things in my fridge. Then, my dad comes over with a thumbdrive of all the pictures he took of my kid’s birthday party and asks if I want to look at them. He points out the thumbdrive on my desk several times as if the main issue in not jumping at the chance to look at images of kids eating cake is my lack of awareness of the thumbdrive location. Simultaneously, my kid comes over to demonstrate his newly constructed marshmallow weaponry. The marshmallows shooting out of the tube seem oddly nonchalant of their predicament.

I don’t know what it is about this computer that attracts people within thirty seconds of me sitting down to type at it. If anyone out there is lonely, I will sell you this computer. Of course, it may not solve all your problems. Instead of a sexy person with smoldering eyes telling you what a brilliant blog you are writing, it will most likely attract people who are well intentioned, but very loud. Yeah, no one wants this computer. I am certain of it.

Well, I gotta go. People are looking for pickles and everyone is certain I am the only one who can find them. In the meantime, looking forward to movie and vodka night.

The new year: full of things that have never been

I came over today to watch a New Year’s Day football game at a friend’s house. Which really means drink glass of champagne while reading Lucy’s Football blog on my phone.

There is a kid over here who just told me, “I got a discount! Check it.” I had him repeat it to make sure I heard him right. I still don’t get it. I am stopping being nice to annoying children. It only leads to trouble. For example, over the holiday break, I was watching my kid and a friend of his, and decide I want to read my Kindle. I don’t know what sort of weather the rest of you are having, but it has been very pleasant here in Texas. I decide to take the kids to the playground at the park. I visualize myself happily reading as they cavort around, glancing up every once in a while to check on them.

So, I pack up the kids, a couple bottles of water. Kids always whine that they are thirsty. If you EVER take a kid anywhere, do yourself a favor and grab a couple bottles of water. You will thank me. So, the kids are happily playing at the park, and I am reading my Kindle as planned. Then, like a shark, this other kid comes up out of nowhere and starts TALKING to me. I’m cool with it for a while, but then I realize I really don’t feel like chatting about Nerf guns with a total stranger. I am thinking, “Look kid, I just got RID of two other kids. I don’t need your ass sitting here talking to me.” Then, I pause to consider what it is I really want out of this situation. I want to read my damn Kindle in peace. So, I tell the kid point blank, “Look. I want to read my book. See that slide over there? Go slide on it.” Problem solved.

Resolution: be less nice to children.

If anyone else has the same resolution as me, I have tried to make some t-shirts to help you. These haven’t been field tested however. If you could let me know how they work out for you, that would be great.

This could make children cry, or elicit a lot of questions. Probably won’t work.

This could work, or it could be problematic in attracting kids who like homework. Plus, you will most likely have no actual homework to back this up.

You know, a predator like a leopard or something, only sexier. It probably isn’t that funny, but at least it will encourage a more proactive response by the parents to keep their kids away from you.

My other resolution is to drink whipped-cream-flavored-vodka with @lucysfootball. I am hoping she will let me know when she is buying hers. I can stop off on my way from work and pick up a bottle. Then, we can drink our vodka and have drunken blogs and drunken Tweets and, for one sweet and glorious night, we will RULE the Internet. It is going to be so awesome.

Resolution: Drink more whipped-cream-flavored-vodka.

I want to read more books. Don’t get me wrong, I like my Kindle. I can get books on it instantly, the moment I think I want them. They should invent a device like this for snacks, actually.

I don’t have a lot of time to go running around buying books. If I did, I would have already forgotten what books it was I wanted to buy. Therefore, I have to resort to stealing books from my friends then never returning them. Then I constantly feel terrible for never returning them. It is a horrible system. But, the fact remains that I miss books. I want to read more books, actual ones, with pages.

Resolution: Read more actual books.

In her blog, I Thought This Would Be Easier (didn’t we all?) Jamie describes going to Recycled Books and Barnes and Noble with her birthday book budget. She comes out of this with pictures of books that look like I could love them. There is a humor book about the bible, one about the cosmos, and a book about science experiments. I wonder if the book about science experiments will be like all the recipe books I read and never actually implement. There is also a book about the sexy bits of history and a tour of the 10th dimension. I have never heard of the 10th dimension, but I like the idea of it.

Don’t go to her actual blog though. Here is the URL so you will know where not to go: I would hate for you to stumble upon it by accident. Her blog is way nicer than this one. It has beautiful swirly things all over it. I wish I had beautiful swirly things. Maybe I should get an actual real URL first though, before I start worrying about swirly things.

Resolution: Get a real URL for the blog.

I should note here this I stole this title from Lucy’s Football blog. She got it from Ranier Maria Rike. I thought it sounded nice.

Resolution: Steal more things that sound nice for my own benefit and to make me look smarter.

I also want to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s again. I need to buy it, I guess, on a DVD. Do people still do that? Maybe I should see if they have it on NetFlix, or iTunes. Do people still buy DVDs? Damn. I feel old. Maybe I can watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s during my @lucysfootball vodka night. She never actually agreed to a vodka night, but why wouldn’t she? What could go wrong with that?

Resolution: Figure out how to buy a movie. Then watch it.

So, my resolutions for the New Year include buying a movie, drinking more vodka, being less nice to children, reading actual books with pages, getting a real URL for the blog, and stealing more. I think this turned out rather well.