How to Survive at Jury Duty – Part Two – Arriving at the Courthouse

When you arrive at the courthouse, there will be lots of other people arriving at the courthouse. They will be parking their cars and walking into the courthouse like they know what they are doing. Do not be fooled by this behavior. They have no clue either. Just casually park your car and walk in like you know what you are doing.

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The is what a basic courthouse will look like. Your results may vary.

After you park your car and walk in, you will go through the metal detectors, because you aren’t allowed to take your scissors or guns into the courthouse. As a general rule, I try not to carry around stuff I can kill people with, so this didn’t bother me.

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Wait… Why does THIS guy get a sword??

Once you enter the building, you will find out that all the people who looked like they knew what they were doing, really have no idea. As for me, I NEVER know what I am doing, so this is a situation I know how to handle. The first thing you should do is look for some sort of sign. It may be subtle, so look closely.

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Thanks, sign people. This is just what I was looking for.

Once you have found the sign, you should go where it directs. At that point, you will join billions of people crammed in a waiting room with back episodes of some home improvement show playing on Home and Garden Television blaring at high volume. You would think they would play Court TV, but go figure. After being tortured by the high pitched giggles of a woman trying to remove a toilet while renovating her bathroom, you will be incredibly grateful when they call your name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Survive at Jury Duty – Part One – What to Wear

So, I got the dreaded postcard in the mail. JURY SUMMONS.

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Failure to appear can result in a fine, incarceration, or both! You don’t want to be incarcerated AND have a fine, because that is the worst.

It is in all caps, because these people are SERIOUS. The first thing that concerns me, as with every new endeavor, is… what the hell do I wear??? The instructions say, “No shorts and no uniforms.” That leaves a LOT of grey area.

I started dealing with this problem by researching the Internet. By “researching the Internet” I mean, ask people on Facebook what they think I should do.

Amy pointed out that within in the boundaries of the rules,  I could wear both shorts AND a uniform. She suggested a “boy scout ensemble.” Debbie recommended an inflatable T-Rex costume, but I couldn’t find one on Amazon with the three day shipping. Carey suggested a hot dog on a stick costume, but again, Amazon delivery on obscure costumes isn’t the best. Joseph recommended a cocktail dress, which was an EXCELLENT idea. Except, I had to be there at 8:30 and the idea of putting on a cocktail dress when I wouldn’t actually be having cocktails was a little depressing. Audriana said I should wear a swimsuit and look disappointed there wasn’t an actual jury “pool.” Which would have been hilarious, but I would never have the nerve to ever wear a swimsuit in public. So, that idea was a fail. Sorry, Audriana… thanks for the effort.

Suz actually offered to loan me her Dr. Seuss hat to wear, which was VERY thoughtful.

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This is what I should have worn to jury duty.

In the end, went with the advice of Paul, which was basically, “Screw their rules.” By “screw their rules,” I mean that I found something to wear that wasn’t shorts and stopped overthinking it. I decided to go with what I would usually wear to work in hopes that I would be quickly dismissed and head on in to the office. This turned out to be a HUGE mistake. I should have taken Suz up on that Dr. Seuss hat.

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This is me, looking normal, for jury duty. Huge mistake.

As it turns out… you should NEVER go to jury duty looking, or being, anywhere near normal. If you don’t want to get stuck in this place for days, you need to step it up a notch. The people of Facebook told me (a little too late, thanks for NOTHING) that isn’t even about what you are wearing. You can carry stuff. Billye suggested murder mysteries because people who read those ask too many questions in the jury room. Robert suggested one of Rush Limbaugh’s books.

However, all of the advice you have heard up until now is all wrong. Gather close, everyone.. I will tell you the true secret of getting out of jury duty. That secret is…. you need a political agenda. Take my advice and get one now so you can have it handy. That way you won’t be trying to order last minute T-Rex costumes on Amazon.