How to Select a Pet while Predicting the Future

Selecting a pet for a seven-year-old boy is not an easy task, but lucky for me, I have psychic abilities. Yes, it is true. I can see the future rolling out directly before my eyes. Allow me to demonstrate.

I am standing in PetSmart, staring at hermit crab homes and accessories. Pet stores are terrible these days. They have thousands of accessories, but no hermit crabs. Where I am supposed to get the main element of the hermit crab scenario? Just as I am in the middle of pondering this conundrum, a PetSmart employee approaches. He has huge black corks in his earlobes. I don’t know about you, but cork earlobes speak volumes to me about a person’s qualifications in selecting a pet for my seven-year old. This is clearly the guy who will tell me how it is. And so we begin our path to pet enlightenment.

Cork-ear-guy: Can I help you?

Me: I am looking for a pet for a seven-year-old. What would you recommend?

Cork-ear-guy: How about a beta fish? (This is disappointing. I was hoping for something a bit more daring from a guy stretching huge holes into his earlobes.)

Me: That is kind of lame. How is he going to hold a fish? What do you think of hermit crabs?

Cork-ear-guy: They can pinch pretty hard.

Okay… now this is where the physic abilities come into play. Even though I am actually having a conversation with a cork-ear PetSmart employee, I can clearly see the hermit crab pinching off my son’s finger with a claw, placing us all in the middle of a crowded emergency room. I realize at this point, that I do not want to be holding severed finger in a waiting room.

Me: How hard do they pinch?

Cork-ear-guy: Sometimes they can draw blood.

New psychic scenario… I see myself again. This time, I am not in an emergency room holding a severed finger. I am in my home. I am mopping blood off the floor. Mopping blood is still pretty gross and time consuming. Hermit crabs are out.

Next, cork-ear-guy suggests a lizard. As we look into a cage at some tiny green creatures, he tells me that only trouble with a lizard is the start up cost for the cage and lamp, minimally, about $100. Suddenly, one of the green creatures takes a flying leap across the cage. They are quick little devils. In my next psychic vision, I see an escaped lizard roaming through the house at night while a $100 cage and lamp sit idly by. The lizard will terrorize our hallways for years. On the other hand, the cage and lamp we might be able to sell on Craig’s List for around ten dollars.

Suddenly, a fish floating in a $3 bowl seems like a good idea. I have seen the future of my son’s pet ownership. It involves a fish eventually being flushed down a toilet. At least I won’t be in a waiting room holding a severed finger.

If anyone has any better pet ideas than the cork-ear guy at PetSmart, feel free to suggest an animal a seven-year-old can be responsible for without too much damage to the animal. Or, for that matter, the seven-year-old.

How to Identify Post-Modern Hippies

The Traditional Hippie

 Hippies used to be easy to identify based on their long hair, head bands, and their constant state of being high on hallucinogens. However, the post-modern hippie is not that easy to weed out from the normal population. One of the main reasons behind this trend is that there is less money in peace and free love than there was in the 70s, resulting in a large majority of hippies now having office jobs. Escalating this issue, the business casual dress code common in many workplaces makes hippies impossible to identify by on appearance alone.

The Post-Modern Hippie

According to @izzabiff, eminent post-modern hippie expert, “The post-modern hippie can slip under the radar. They can look normal… but it’s all about ‘health food’ and ‘yoga.’ If you unexpectedly find yourself in a post-modern hippie encounter, it is important not to panic. @izzabiff recommends that you stay calm and “back away slowly.”

The following clues will aid you in identifying the post-modern hippies in your workplace.

Clue Number One: Individual is vegan. If a person can’t eat jello because it used to be a horse, you are dealing with a post-modern hippie. Back away slowly.

Clue Number Two: Individual brings strange food into the workplace. If someone seems delighted that their swamp-green algae protein shake is still in the freezer, you are dealing with a post-modern hippie. Back away slowly.

Sometimes it is important to consider the motivation behind bringing strange food or beverages into the workplace. Questions like this one can help you identify post-modern hippies BEFORE they ask you to yoga class. Consider the following scenario:

Co-worker sends email announcing that she has brought in homemade soymilk for everyone to ‘enjoy.’ Why did your co-worker bring in homemade soy milk? Choose carefully from the statements below:

A. She is Vietnamese and celebrating her ethnic heritage

B. Over-the-counter soymilk sold in grocery stores is not organic enough

C. Over-the-counter soymilk sold in grocery stores has too many preservatives

And the answer is… it doesn’t matter. Normal people DO NOT make their own soymilk. Only a post-modern hippie would spend an evening juicing soybeans for people to put in their herbal tea. For that matter, only a post-modern hippie would consume soymilk. You should immediately dust the soymilk container for prints to weed out the rest of the hippies.

If you find yourself surrounded by post-modern hippies, you may find it necessary to try to blend in. If they think you are one of them, they won’t attack. This t-shirt should be enough to convince the hippies. It is 100% dairy free.

Please feel free to contribute more ways to identify post-modern hippies in the workplace. Knowledge is power.