Circle of Moms presented a survey that somehow ended up in my inbox. The topic of this survey was…
How do you remain emotionally stable?
As my cursor hovered dangerously over the delete button, I suddenly thought to myself, how DO people remain emotionally stable? Granted, not everyone has multitudes of kids running around, but there are always some days that are better than others. I decided to click on this link, this key to lasting emotional stability.
Upon clicking the link, you will find at the top of the page, Teresa’s comment with the winning total of 44 votes. Her advice is this: “The first thing one can do is pray and to look up for God to guide in the situation.” I don’t know about you guys, but every time I pray to God, I worry about him secretly making fun of me. In case you haven’t read it, the guy was not cool in the Old Testament. He spent most of his time turning people into pillars of salt and unleashing plagues. I find this type of behavior untrustworthy. His idea of guidance would probably be to tell me to build an ark or something. The guy seems to be a bit of a prankster. (Side note: Don’t worry, I can say these things, because I am a very close friend of Satan.)
Maybe person number two has some better advice, scanning down… Ah here we go…
Next, we have Janice who repeats, I’m assuming for emphasis, “Yes, pray, pray, pray.” Crap. Does no one on this damn forum have anything original? Okay, one more…
Tammy also feels compelled to share her religious enthusiasm: “So good to see you and other Moms leaning on God!! Children are gifts from Him to raise for Him.” Okay, that is IT. If your children are ‘gifts from God,’ why do you need a forum to figure out how NOT to go insane because of them? I was right. God has an odd sense of humor.
Please allow me to give you all some real advice on how to stay sane.
First of all… Stop yelling.
If you go around yelling all the time, no one will know when you are seriously outraged. I know this guy who yelled at his kid to eat a hotdog. If you are yelling at a kid because he won’t eat a hunk of processed meat, what are you going to do when he comes home with that DUI? All your cards have already been dealt. You are going to have to fake a heart attack or something.
|This shirt is for people to wear to Little League games…
or when watching any of the Real Housewives reality series.
I do realize that I may have, quite recently, told some of you to go to work during #dramaday and yell at people, but that was for fun. Yelling at people for your own amusement is totally different.
Secondly… Quit letting stupid things get to you.
A woman from cubicle world (i.e., the place I work) once spent an entire day calling the city of Garland to complain about Vietnamese people having a party across the street from her house. Apparently, these people had some beer and left the bottles in their front yard. I am not sure why it was of particular importance that they were Vietnamese, but it was.
She kept calling all these people and telling them she knew the mayor. I kept thinking that if she really knew the mayor, maybe she should just call him with her complaints directly. When she ran out of people to call, she spent the rest of the day asking everyone in the office if there was some sort of Vietnamese holiday she didn’t know about. As if anyone needs a holiday to drink beer in their front yard.
I can see how it would be troubling to look across the street at the evidence of a party to which you were uninvited, but why get all worked up about it when you can use the situation to your advantage? The Vietnamese people have a yard that is already messed up. Grab a lawn chair and a couple of big forties, and head on over. You won’t even have to recycle.
This shirt will either provoke racial tension, or prompt people to bring you beer.
Let me know how it works out for you.
My final bit of advice for maintenance of sanity: Rant on Twitter.
Aside from vodka, ranting on Twitter is my main source of stress relief. I spend most of my time on Twitter in some form of rant, and I’ve found it to be very helpful. The people on Twitter are both witty and very smart (I’m not sure if they are real, but let’s just keep that between us, okay?). They have helped me through several existential crises, and gave many helpful suggestions for dealing with overbearing family members (and this wasn’t even during the holidays).
So, if you are losing your emotional stability. Please feel free to talk to God to see if you need to build that ark. But, if you don’t hear from him immediately, try the virtual people on Twitter. They are always there waiting, safely tucked away in your phone.
I must give credit where credit is due, Circle of Moms member, Reiko, earned 33 votes with, “Have a stiff cocktail and take a deep breath.” Thank you, Reiko. Your survey votes are now at 34.