How NOT to keep readers reading your articles on WordPress

Oh dear. It seems I have pissed someone off with my blog. I TOTALLY did not see this coming.  Don’t worry… I took screen shots of the comments so you can all enjoy my moment:

Comment 01

Wow… I had a RANT? Awesome. Wait… I had a rant on my guide to making t-shirts for Zazzle? That is terrible place for a rant. What kind of blog am I running here?

Comment 02

First of all… pretty funny? I am incredibly insulted. Secondly, how can a person get upset over gun and baby hating comments on a blog post about making t-shirts? Why on earth would anyone even bring up guns and babies while talking about making stuff on Zazzle? Oh, wait… this is MY blog. Frank is probably right, I do tend to drift from the topic at hand.

Dear Frank: Please allow me remedy the anti-gun and anti-life rant on the Zazzle T-shirt Guide by explaining my stance more clearly. It is NOT that I am pro-abortion. It is that I am against making women have babies. You see Frank, I have had a baby. I had a baby nine years ago. That was NINE years ago and he is STILL following me around asking for stuff like food, and clothing, and hermit crabs. You wouldn’t believe it Frank, it is like a NIGHTMARE. For a while, he was even making me watching this show with him about these trains that talked. TALKING TRAINS, Frank! I would never push that on anyone. It just seems cruel.

This is just to prove that I am not making up the whole thing about the talking trains.

This is just to prove that I am not making up the whole thing about the talking trains.

About the guns, I have to admit that they do make me uncomfortable. However, that is not because of MSNBC or ESPN, it is because of the messy cleanup. Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Those guys accidentally shot some dude in their car and there was brain mess EVERYWHERE. It took forever for them to clean it up. You probably don’t know me very well, Frank, but I am VERY accident-prone. If I am carrying a gun around, I will definitely end up shooting someone in my car.

pulpfiction

See… look at the front of John Travolta’s shirt. No amount of OxyClean is ever getting that out.

As far as believing everything I see on MSNBC, can you please tell me what channel that is on? I mainly use my television for watching documentaries about cats. Also, I’m not that good at running the menu guide or telling what channel stuff is on. Also, I hate that Matt Lauer guy. Is he going to be on the MSNBC channel? Because, if so… I’m OUT. I don’t even know why I hate him. He is probably a totally nice guy. Not that I would sit down and have lunch with him or anything. I really don’t have time for all that. It must be the hair.

Matt Lauer's hair. It is VERY unsettling.

Matt Lauer’s hair. It is VERY unsettling.

So, to recap, it is not that I meant to piss you off, Frank. I am really very open-minded about these things. Any rants I may accidentally post to my Zazzle Guidelines stem directly from the fact that I do not want to have lunch with Matt Lauer. Honestly, I don’t even know how this stuff comes up. Sorry you stopped reading my blog because of my undue dislike of Matt Lauer’s haircut. You are probably justified. However, I must confess that most people stopped reading this blog a long time ago because it hasn’t been updated in ages. Ironically… you, Frank, are like my BIGGEST fan!

This is for you, Frank!

Also… one more…

You can never be too careful.

You can never be too careful.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

20 Responses to How NOT to keep readers reading your articles on WordPress

  1. I still read your blog. Although I must admit it’s getting harder to do the less you post. But I’ll persevere.

    • lgalaviz says:

      Oh good, because I was thinking about making this a forum for gun ownership. Or lack of gun ownership. Do you have guns? Maybe we don’t really need guns. I would rather have a moat instead. Do you have a moat?

      • poetlandia says:

        Now I want a moot. And it would not go with the house I live in. Not to mention that the house I live in isn’t my house.

        Moot. Dreamy sigh.

  2. A little off topic, but I’m pretty sure my nearly zero-revenue zazzle store is much weirder—though “fuck” is only displayed on one product: http://www.zazzle.com/business_sense_neck_wear-151794492657725849

  3. jbrown3079 says:

    I might shoot the guy who wrote the Thomas the Train theme song. As far as Lauer goes, his show keeps getting lousy ratings. The NBC brass responds by firing the women who work with him. I think he is the problem.

  4. a says:

    I think the Thomas the Train argument is the best one I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a LOT of abortion arguments. I’m soooo stealing that (although I have a daughter who didn’t watch Thomas, but does watch Spongebob Squarepants. Therefore, I will change it just enough to prevent you from suing me for stealing your idea.)

    • lgalaviz says:

      Sponge Bob will be equally effective in abortion arguments, I’m sure. Make anyone who dares to disagree with you watch an episode. It will be life altering.

  5. Gigi says:

    Oh, poor Frank….he has no sense of humor. What a shame.

    • lgalaviz says:

      Maybe I can do some research linking the amount of guns people own to their lack of humor. I’m sure you have to be VERY serious to own a gun.

  6. Wait. Wait just a minute. I can’t believe everything I see on TV or on MSNBC? When did THIS become a rule? I’ve been living my life as if everything I see on television is the truth and the word. Dammit. When the rules change, someone needs to tell me. FRANK! Why the hell didn’t you tell me this SOONER? I’m really disappointed, here, Frank.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I still can’t find that channel on my TV. How am I supposed to know what to think??? I’ve been thinking nothing, just in case.

      • That’s an excellent plan. When my dad was visiting, I told him all the news channels here were blocked so he wouldn’t turn on Fox News. He immediately believed me and blamed the government for keeping the people here in the dark. “That’s what they do!” said Dad. So maybe your MSNBC is blocked. That is, per Dad, what they do.

  7. debihen says:

    I like Matt Lauer. Don’t plan on holding that against you in any way. Can I get that Lauer T Shirt with “Hey Matt Lauer, I’LL have lunch with you even if nobody else will?”. As for that train…it needs to go the way of the Purple Dinosaur my kids tortured me with so long ago.

    • lgalaviz says:

      You know, maybe if we all sat down to lunch with Matt, I could get past the hair. I should let him know I have changed my mind about the lunch. He will be greatly relieved.

  8. poetlandia says:

    You know, that train is really a good point.

    Hermit crabs. You have them. Then they die. I had better luck with seahorses. Also, I liked my son learning about a species where the males carry the babies. (Which is involved in the not making children have babies thing somehow. I’m just not sure, exactly, how.)

  9. Rosie says:

    I would love a t-shirt like that, that had just had a blank for the name, saying “_______________, I will not have lunch with you.”

  10. elaine4queen says:

    SHAKE THE BOTTLE WAKE THE DRINK!

    It’s like I magicked you back! What happened was that one of my fb friends was wondering what the big deal was with flats-or-heels-women’s-main-issue-in-life-apparently and I wanted to share your shoes/conference post, but then I thought dammit, she doesn’t post any more, so what’s the point (we’re all going to die, my name is Eeyore) but I really wanted her to read it so I found it for her, and LO! Here you are, back in the blogosphere! Which is good, because I effed up all my readers and now it’s hard for me to keep a track of what I am and am not reading.

    In a side note, in case you watched the video and thought WTF is Orangina – it’s French. They tried to sell it in the UK but all the effort of shaking the bottle put people off.

  11. Reblogged this on Leaving Normal and commented:
    At last I have found a blog in the comedy sector which is actually funny. Need to put mine in the comedy sector, and starting soliciting licorice from people in far corners of the world. Warning, put your coffee down before reading this post. And the one about the licorice. And I will ban guns when I am in charge (just a note of complicity here)

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