Are you currently dying? The answer may surprise you.

I have had several near death experiences in the past week. Although, it turns out they were false alarms and that I wasn’t even close to death. I might be close to death right now, I suppose, but not in any of the ways that I was predicting. If I die immediately, it will be from something I never saw coming. I will now detail all my near death experiences in case you are nearing death in the same way. Or, not nearing death, whatever the case may be.

Near Death Experience Number One: Immediate and Total Kidney Failure

My back hurt the other day, and so naturally I assumed that something was wrong with both my kidneys because I read somewhere that they are located near your lower back and sometimes people just think they have back pain when both their kidneys are actually failing. So, the safe thing to assume when you have a pain in your lower back is that both your kidneys are failing. Since the pain was only on one side, I thought I might have a chance of still having one kidney, but I don’t like to take unnecessary chances, so I decided to go to the doctor. Of course, I hate dealing with people, talking to people, and having people touch areas where my kidneys may or may not be failing, so by ‘go to the doctor’ I mean ‘type symptoms into Google.’

My search results on Google told me that since the pain was dull and corresponded with movement, rather than being constant and sharp, that it was probably a muscle hurting rather than my kidneys getting ready to bail on me. Also, I wasn’t running a fever. I forgot what the other symptoms were. After I confirmed my kidneys weren’t falling out, the back pain kind of went away on its own.

Near Death Experience Number Two: Slow and Fatal Heart Attack

Then, as if the kidney failure issue wasn’t enough to deal with… yesterday afternoon… my hand goes numb. Not my entire hand, but the side of it. Well, not the entire side of it, more like the edge. The edge of my left hand and the side of my left pinkie went numb.

My first step in diagnosing any serious medical condition is to wait and see if it goes away. The next step is to jump to the worst case scenario. By midnight last night, the numbness had not gone away. Therefore, I assumed I was having a heart attack and I began contemplating whether I would die immediately or become a comatose vegetable.

Other serious medical questions came to mind in the middle of the night:  Are heart attacks immediate? Is this one already done, or looming? Maybe this is one of those slow heart attacks. Are those a thing? Should I take a baby aspirin? Sometimes they tell you to take a baby aspirin. Maybe it is a stroke. I wonder if I will lose use of my left side if this is a stroke. Which side do you lose use of where you can’t speak? Can I still speak? There is no one to talk to right now. Maybe I should call someone to see if I can still speak.

Finally, I made myself look up symptoms on Google. I was a bit worried that Google would tell me something was seriously wrong,  I really don’t want to rush around at midnight to an emergency room announcing that my hand feels funny. That would be the worst. If I have to go get medical help for something, I want to be bleeding profusely. I want it to be freaking obvious that I need medical attention, not walking around with my hand being half numb.

The Google results told me that since I am right handed and the numbness was in my left pinkie/ring finger area, and since I constantly sit at my desk like a slouchy person, that I was NOT having a heart attack. Apparently there is some sort of nerve in your arm that runs amuck if you sit around leaning on your elbow too much. I don’t know much about that because I pretty much lost interest once I found out I wasn’t having a heart attack.

Now that I have recovered from my serious health issues, I can begin contemplating the fact that I might be a hypochondriac. If not that, I have had this cough for over a week that I am pretty sure is the bird flu. Maybe I’ll type my symptoms into Google.

For Further Research:

Cure your heart attack with simple arm exercises and by not being slouchy:
Okay, fine… they call it ulnar nerve compression… heart attack is more dramatic and much easier to spell.

Special Medical Alert: Surviving Hemorrhages

I went to the eye doctor last weekend. The doctor dilated my eyes, which I always find a little ironic because the dilation makes it almost impossible to see with your eyes. Seeing with my eyes is specifically the reason I go to the eye doctor. Therefore, I am actually paying a person to accomplish the opposite of my initial goal for seeing them. There are a lot of messed up things in the world I would like to fix, and I believe I would start somewhere around there.

Anyway, I’m blind and my dilated eyes look like I am in a Disney movie. The eye doctor, not satifisfied with this, is making me look to the right and the left while shining bright lights at me. I am trying to cooperate, even though I am beginning to suspect foul play, but I keep getting mixed up. To make matters worse, he keeps telling me your OTHER right and your OTHER left, like I am not doing it right just because I am deliberately looking the opposite way of what he says. I am getting pissed off because I just wanted more contact lenses and I didn’t know this appointment was supposed to be some sort of review on my knowledge of directions. He is already making me look at all these letters and numbers. I suppose next, he will be telling to look East and West.  Then, yelling at me, “NO! Your OTHER East.!”

Finally, he tells me that my retinas look good and that my eyes are NOT hemorrhaging internally. I had to double check on that last one, because when someone says the word hemorrhaging, I want to be clear. So I repeat to him, “You said I am NOT hemorrhaging from my eyes, right?”

That was fine and good. It is always good to find out you are NOT hemorrhaging. But, now I am overly worried about about hemorrhaging. What if I am hemorrhaging at this very moment? I can’t go back there every day to make sure my eyes are not hemorrhaging.  That would be odd.

Of course, I can’t be the only person in this situation. You too might be worried about your eyes suddenly hemorrhaging…. or anything else suddenly hemorrhaging, actually. I don’t know how many things there are on the human body just waiting to bust out into hemorrhaging, but there must be several.

While I am not a medical professional, I may have the solution.

Avoiding unnecessary hemorrhaging is simple and easy, with t-shirts from my blog.

This handy t-shirt will automatically cause the people around you to watch for hemorrhaging. If they observe any hemorrhaging, they are instructed to notify you so you do not die.

I should attach my blog to some news alert system. It is a public service, my blogging. The people promoting National Good Deed Day advised that when you do something altruistic, that it makes you feel better as a person. I must say they are right. Saving all of your lives right now has really made my day. You are so welcome!

P.S. Do I have to admit I only did it so you will be around to adore me? I don’t, do I? If you guys leave me, honestly… who ELSE is going to read this stuff??? Please don’t hemorrhage.