I’m all ranty about Texas

I usually enjoy living out the Texas stereotype. When our friends visit from Canada, we take them to Billy Bob’s to ride the mechanical bull and watch people two-stepping in boots and cowboy hats. Then, we drink some beer out of longnecks and call it a night. It is everything you thought Texas would be.

And, yes, we all have guns. I personally don’t have a gun, but that would be hugely irresponsible for me to have a weapon of any kind. It is a stretch to give me a kitchen knife. My husband has several guns, because you need different types of guns depending on what you are shooting at, apparently. My kid even has a bb gun. That is the type of gun you need to defend your home from empty soda cans.

You might think that what I hate most about Texas is the red-neck bubba attitude that makes people attach plastic models of scrotum to bumpers of their trucks. But, I can handle the rough and tumble, get off my porch or I will shoot you, attitude of Texas.

What I can’t handle very well is the over-zealous bumper stickers. For example, why is it necessary to put a sticker on your truck that says, “It is a child, not a choice”? What is this accomplishing? I am not even pregnant. Now I feel like I need to get knocked up because this isn’t a choice anymore, it is a child. God would want me to go out and replenish the earth right now. Oh, wait. That’s right… I don’t believe in God. Also, the earth is replenished enough already. I think we can rein it in.

So, now this sticker has made me want to run right out and get an abortion. But, guess what… I’m STILL NOT pregnant. See… your stupid sticker has done nothing but cause confusion and delay.

You should have a better slogan for your truck, one that says something meaningful.

This will look great next to your truck balls.

See, this slogan will make people run right out and get a chalupa. There is nothing confusing about a chalupa. Unless you don’t know what one is. If you do not know what a chalupa is, then go out and make something that you imagine to be a chalupa. It isn’t a choice. Do it now.

There, don’t you all feel better now? Happy to have helped.

Also, aside from these stickers, Rick Perry is really pissing me off right now, but I would hate to use this blog to say anything controversial.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

19 Responses to I’m all ranty about Texas

  1. mousebert says:

    I have lived in Texas most of my life and I don’t recall seeing plastic models of scrotum attached to bumpers. (Where do you buy them?) I have seen people roll down the window or open the car door to spit – tobacco I think. I didn’t stop to inspect it. This is a major reason I keep the windows up. I don’t want that to happen – again.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I have noticed the spitting as well. It is probably for tobacco, but I like to think it is some type of sport.

      I am not sure where to buy the truck scrotum. I see them around a lot, though. Maybe you just haven’t been on the lookout for them. I will watch for spitters, you watch for truck balls. I’ll check in with you tomorrow.

  2. Debihen says:

    I have had a chalupa from Taco Bell. Not sure if that really counts as a Chalupa. Either way, I like the shirt. It’s thought provoking.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I am very liberal when it comes to chalupas. Whatever you choose to define as a chalupa counts.

      Mine is a crispy flat shell with refried beans, lettuce, cheese, and optional sour cream. It immediately falls apart on the first bite. If you eat it properly, you are left with a complete mess and sour cream on your nose.

  3. MsDarkstar says:

    Is it acceptable to eat chalupas with one’s tea? Because I am pretty sure that chalupas are full of oxidants… or free radicals and as a committed oxidant killer, I at least want to keep some balance.

    I am hungry for chalupas now. Clearly your blog has some sort of subliminal powers. Or I just really have no free will.

    Also, the “Choose Life” stickers I’ve seen sortve confuse me. Because I had a baby and I would never CHOOSE that life again (being the mother of a baby, that is… too much bodily fluid touching and smelling involved). So, when I see the Choose Life stickers I always think that I CHOOSE a life that doesn’t involve babies but APPARENTLY that’s not what they mean… I think I need a “Chose Batteries” sticker (which, if they figured out I mean batteries for a “personal massager” rather than activities that may lead to baby making, would probably make the “Choose Life” people just as upset)

    I’m pretty sure I should just go eat some chalupas, drink some tea and call it a day.

    • lgalaviz says:

      Do you have a Zazzle account? You should go there immediately to make some “Choose Batteries” stickers. I will help you hand them out in local churches and republican conventions.

  4. Thank god for Wikipedia! I now know what a chalupa is.

  5. Brenna says:

    “Choose chalupas” sounds better than “Choose life” anyway. Alliteration and all that.

  6. lahikmajoe says:

    I like how you bring up a controversial topic but then insist that you’d hate to say anything controversial. Oh wait, that was your point, wasn’t it?

  7. Joules says:

    Oh mah gawd. I have been out of Texas so long that I am shocked/appalled/overwhelmed by the idea that seems to permeate this place that everyone is A)christian or B)conservative. This IS Houston, after all. A major metropolitan city, four largest in the country.

    The assumption also seems to be that everyone must advertise these facts loudly and repeatedly. On billboards, on bumper stickers, probably coming soon shaved into the sides of cats(ala @thebloggess)

    Dude, I heard Go Tell It On The Mountain played at the freaking Pappasito’s today. I considered telling them that Jews and Muslims also like tasty Mexican treats and may not want to be inundated with the strains of Jesus Christ is King. And don’t get me started on what the atheists would do.

    • lgalaviz says:

      Yeah, it does not bode well for you living in Texas if you are an atheist, Jew or a Muslim. You should just lay low and try to fly under the radar. I find it ironic when Christians here claim they are persecuted for their religion. The whole state seems fairly wide open for them to run around in.

  8. Blogdramedy says:

    I see the name Rick Perry and I want to sic a chalupa on his ass.

  9. a says:

    Choose chalupas is a much better idea..

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