How to be funny on Twitter

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know how to be funny on Twitter.

For example,  @I_am_Just_Marc, writing me on Twitter to tell me that you left your phone at home is not funny. Even though I do know you in person, and it was a little funny that you left your phone and hence had to resort to communication through social media. I am sorry that I have to tell you this in my blog, but I left my phone in the other room.

Another example, is @AlexBlog93, who unfortunately, chose the wrong people to notify about his new political blog.  His writing was clean and he had some good points, but the whole thing was very serious, and very political, and just not very funny. However, we did make fun of him for spamming us. Also, Lahikmajoe Drinks Tea got some good tea blog material out of it (tea for the long slog of a campaign), but that guy can write a tea blog about ANYTHING.

Anyway, back to my point. It isn’t that hard to be funny on Twitter.  It helps if you pick a topic and go on and on about it. People really love this because it shows you are dedicated. For today’s topic, I will select the Salvation Army bell ringers.

For those of you who may not know, the Salvation Army is a charity. Every holiday season they send people out with red buckets and bells to stand in front of EVERY SINGLE store in the United States.  The idea is that the ringing bell will attract you to the bucket and convince you to place your spare change inside.

It isn’t even mid-November yet, and the bell people are ALREADY out there. Some of the bell ringers seem incredibly cranky, while others are good tempered. Some will even sing and dance to entertain the passers-by. There is no guarantee what type of person will be ringing the bell. The only guarantee is that the person will be there, and the bell will be annoyingly loud.

I will now give you some pointers for ranting about the bell ringers so you can begin being funny on Twitter immediately.

Technique 1. Overdramatize the situation. 

While bell noise may not literally be killing you, it is most likely diminishing the quality of your life in a crucial way.

The Salvation Army people are already out in force with the ringing bells and it is not even Thanksgiving yet. The plague of the holidays is upon us, making the air heavy with the sound of bells and pervasive cheer.

Technique 2. Use curse words.

Damn bell ringers.

Note that you don’t really have to make a point when you place a curse word appropriately.

Fucking bells.

See, the right word will do all the work for you.

Technique 3. Bring people in to support you.

I’ll bet @whoremongers wouldn’t put up with these stupid bell ringers.

Do people in Germany go around ringing bells, @lahikmajoe? I’ll bet they don’t.

Technique 4.  Threaten violence.

I couldn’t get past the Salvation Army bell ringer to get into Wal-Mart, so I stole the bell and the bucket and stomped on them and cursed. Small children were also crying which I pushed aside with indifference.

Note: I really just put in a quarter and the guy said ‘thanks,’ but this is NOT the type of thing that entertains people on Twitter. You should always go with the stomping.

Technique 5. Try Sarcasm.

It fills with me with Christmas joy to go CostCo and find the Salvation Army guys out there with the bells ringing.  Good thing I get my toilet paper in bulk.

Now that I am done, this list seems incomplete.  The person who comes up with the best, or the most, suggestions on how to be funny on the topic of Salvation Army and bells, will win the imaginary t-shirt below:

This shirt diminishes unsolicited holiday cheer and will automatically exempt you from most volunteer committees.