How to Win at Christmas

Here are the things I perceive people doing at Christmas time. If you do these things, you are winning at Christmas.

Path A

1. Prepare and distribute cookies. @lucysfootball has several tried and true recipes and many family favorites. There are also books with recipes in them and well as eight billion recipes online. If you are choosing the online recipes, you should probably give yourself a week or two to sort through them. I’m sure there are lots of Food Network people baking cookies. You could spend a month or two watching those shows on your DVR. I would just go to Lucy’s Football: C is for Cookie and see which ones she is making though. That seems like the simplest approach.  You will also need to place cookies in some sort of container to distribute them to friends, co-workers and family.

2. Take a professional picture of you and your family doing various things and make it into a card with some sort of holiday greeting. A lesser alternative to this is buying some cards with doves on them and the word “Peace.” Although I don’t know why.

This is an actual card I received.

Doves don’t seem all that peaceful always flapping around. Plus, people hunt them here in Texas. Shooting at things gives us a reason to own the guns, but I digress. You will now need to address all your cards to people you know, apply stamps, and mail them. If you are me, you won’t have all the addresses, or the stamps, but you aren’t me so I’m sure everything will be fine.

3. Go shopping months in advance, buy items, then stash them away in a safe location to wrap and dole out at Christmas. If you are me, you will forget you bought the thing, and wonder about it a decade later when you finally clean out the hall closet, but you aren’t me. So you will be fine.

4. Get your kid’s picture taken with Santa. If you are me, you never do this because you realize you will have to stand in line at the mall. And also, you will have to go to the mall. Of course, this is Texas. @whoremongers informed me that you can go to a hunting goods store and the line for Santa isn’t nearly as long. Also, there are actual reindeer. Stuffed, of course. Taxidermy performed by elves, I assume.

5. Wear a Christmas sweater or sweatshirt with bells and/or snowmen.

Of course, if you choose to win at Christmas by doing these things, you will need a huge head start. Actually, you should have read this and started your preparations about two months ago. Sorry.

Path B

1. Don’t make cookies. @lucysfootball has some serious cookies injuries. You must avoid injuring yourself during the holiday season at all costs. Take that container of hard candies and nuts your neighbor left on your front porch to the office instead. It is much safer… for you at least.

Actual hard candies I received from my neighbor. Note how they are all sticking together.

2. Don’t even pretend to have the intention of sending cards. Definitely don’t buy a box of them at the store. You will be able to never hunt down all the addresses. Plus, where are you going to find stamps these days? Everyone pays all their bills online now. Do stamps even exist?

3. Shop only for the people you will actually see at Christmas time. Out of sight, out of mind. This will save you a ton on shipping costs. Also, don’t go anywhere to shop in person. Buy everything online. You can track it from the comfort of your computer desk rather than trying to find parking at the mall. No shops will be safe to go into for the entire month of December anyway. It is best stay home from November to January. If you need to, feel free to dip into the supply of creamed corn you have stashed away for zombie apocalypse.

4. Skip the visit with Santa. My kid thinks Santa has telepathy. He doesn’t need to see Santa, or write a letter. Somehow, right after he tells us what he wants for Christmas, Santa figures it out. Of course, this year Santa is having trouble finding certain Pokémon toy that seems to be more of a collector’s item then an actual toy, but that is what Santa gets for not checking in on the situation sooner.

5. Don’t bother with the snowman attire, just wear red. Red is plenty festive enough. If you don’t have red, wear black. Black is the new everything.

If you don't have black, try this shirt. It declares your festive intentions so you don't have to.

Whichever path you choose for your celebration, or lack thereof, I hope this time of year finds you well.

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