How to be an Extrovert

Are you worried about dying alone with hoarded magazines and cats? You may be an introvert.

In order to be happy, it is well documented that you have to be an extrovert. Well, in order to be the happiest person, according to the New York Times, you have to be Alvin Wong (Discovered: The Happiest Man in America).

The problem is that we can’t all be Alvin Wong. No amount of blog posts I can write can even get you close to being Alvin Wong, so don’t even ask me about it. Of course, if you already are Alvin Wong, you don’t even have to keep reading this. Just go back to being an Asian-American Jewish man living in Hawaii, if that is what makes you happy (Apparently, that is EXACTLY what makes people happy).

Of course, the other thing that makes people happy, according to Fox News and Professor Randy J. Larsen, is being an extrovert.

Why Extroverts Are Happier Than Introverts – Fox News

Being Extroverted: Key to Happiness – Washington University in St. Louis Magazine

I know you are thinking, “I’m not an extrovert, and I’m totally happy.” Well, that is not true. According to Fox News and Professor Randy J. Larsen, all introverts are miserable and living with hoarded magazines and lots of cats. Extroverts, on the other hand, are happily prancing around with their many friends through their magnificent lives.

No one ever argues with Fox News or people with the word ‘Professor’ ahead of their name, so I will give you a minute to allow your introverted misery to sink in.

Miserable yet? Great.

Don’t worry, I would not have written a blog post telling you that you are miserable without a plan to do something about it.  The good news is that while we can’t all be Asian-American Jewish men, we can all be extroverts! I guarantee that by the end of this blog post, you will be an extrovert.* Soon, you will be joining the millions of happily converted extroverts in their extraordinary lives**

*Guaranteed in a way that is neither measurable nor refundable.
**I don’t actually know where these people are. Also, there may not be millions of them.

Time to Become an Extrovert

wikiHow (How to do anything) has a very practical article on becoming an extrovert. They even include pictures of extroverts so you can spot them in the wild.

Look at this guy. He’s an extrovert!

Seeing as how you probably want to start being an extrovert right away, I will summarize some of the more relevant steps. After all, reading is for introverts.

Step 1. Talk to people.

And by talking to people, I mean REAL people. It is well established that people who are introverts often communicate online through social media, like Twitter. It is also well established that the people on Twitter aren’t real. I know you are shocked. You would think these people are real. After all, they have pictures of their dogs, and very convicting anecdotes about their jobs and what they are making for lunch. However, these people and their amusing anecdotes are totally fabricated. You know, like the people in the Matrix. They may even THINK they are real, but they are not. Ask anyone who is not on Twitter, and they will tell you that Twitter isn’t real.

Warning: Don’t attempt question the people on Twitter regarding the fact they are not real. They are so deluded they will earnestly insist on their own reality and you do NOT have time to argue with people who don’t exist.

In the interest of talking to real people, you should find two of them to talk to every day. I know the people who are actually around you are not as high-quality as the fake ones you can generate on the Internet. As an extrovert, these are sacrifices you will have to make. It is statistically impossible that extroverts are even remotely satisfied conversing with the people they are talking to, so buck up. Enjoy your conversation at Wal-Mart with the woman in the halter top sitting in the electric shopping cart. She has a riveting story about kicking her boyfriend out of her trailer that I KNOW you haven’t heard.

Step 2. Give yourself permission to act without reflecting beforehand.

According to wikiHow, “Thinking before you act is an introverted trait.” The reason you are going to die alone with cats is because thinking is for introverts.

You are wasting so much time considering the consequences of your actions when you could be plowing ahead forward with no repercussions. Extroverts never worry about the outcome of a situation. For example, I once had an extrovert explain to me in detail the concepts of ‘planking’ and ‘owling.’ Upon request, he even squatted into an owl-like pose with absolutely NO reflection beforehand that this would be a completely ridiculous thing to do. This is how you should be conversing with people, by making owl poses.

Step 3. Talk more and listen less.

Listening is for introverts. You should be spending most of your energy blurting out whatever it is you are going to say next. Don’t worry if it is pertinent to the conversation at all.

Also, if the conversation starts to bore you, change the subject. There is no need to waste your time listening to people droning on and on about their kid’s soccer game. I recommend bringing up trivial stuff people do on the internet, like ‘planking’ and ‘owling.’ This will give you a great opportunity to try out your new owl poses.

Step 4: Give up on the whole thing and wear my t-shirts

I realize all of this seems like a lot of trouble just to avoid dying alone in a pool of your own vomit. However, I may have an easier solution. Feel free to skip all of the steps outlined above in lieu of wearing one of the following t-shirts.

By the time people figure out you are not an Asian-American Jewish man, you will be long gone.

This way you can be an extrovert without even talking to anybody.

At least people will THINK you are happy. Sometimes that is good enough.

For Further Research

A different perspective on whether extroverts are happier than introverts:
Are Extroverts Happier Than Introverts? Yes, But…There are many different ways to define happiness.

Are you happy? Not if you live in West Virginia. Check the Gallup Poll:
Hawaii No. 1 in U.S. for Wellbeing, and West Virginia Last

Look, Everybody… A real live blog post at… dedicated to ME!

First: a brief history

I started this blog back in March 2010 with the post We’re all doomed, and have since written on average one or two posts a month. However, as can be clearly seen in the visitor statistics graph below, I didn’t really have much of an audience for the first 18 months or so. In fact, by late summer last year I was considering packing the whole thing in due to lack of interest – after all, what’s the point of writing if no one’s reading*?

But then something happened. I was reading a post on the Bloggess awesome blog where she quoted someone called Lisa Galaviz. It was a hilarious collection of one-liners and quirky observations that had me completely hooked. In my innocence, I tweeted some of the quotes (I think one of them was “Don’t ever google how they extract squid ink for black pasta when having…

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