How not to be an asshat on Twitter – Lucy’s Football

The next t-shirt prize goes to Lucy’s Football for this invaluable Twitter Guideline: Rockin’ Robin went Tweet, Tweet, Tweet? Birds Have Internet or as I like to call it, How not to be an asshat on Twitter.

If you break these rules, @lucysfootball will personally hit you with a hammer. I actually went through the list doing each thing deliberately. You can imagine my distress when I got through the entire list and THEN found out about the hammer.  I am going to do you a favor and summarize all of the rules for you. You might consider going over and reading them for yourself though. @heinakroon has told me that sometimes I lack attention to detail.

  1. No spamming. I thought I would be really good at not spamming. However, I just found out from WordPress that if I keep putting people in my blogs all the time and then asking them to go look, that it basically amounts to spamming. I don’t think WordPress understands that this is the only way I can get @lahikmajoe to read my blog. He always seems to be out on trains with the madmen.
  2. You have a limit of 7 RT’s, so watch your step. Unless, of course, @lucysfootball finds them entertaining. Then you have a pass. I suggest you check with her immediately upon RT so you know how many you still have.
  3. Don’t get drunk on Twitter. Or don’t get drunk and erase your tweets. Or don’t say you are getting drunk if you aren’t. I am a little hazy on this one as I was drinking.
  4. Ashton Kutcher is going to quit the Internet and give away eleven billion followers. I don’t know about you guys, but I want IN on this!
  5. Don’t say stupid things like, “I am listening to a song.” You should say interesting things, like what you are eating
  6. Don’t sell things on Twitter unless you have 64-pack of crayons you can trade for colanders. Or unless you and @edrafalko have started a banjo Etsy site with @SteveMartinToGo.
  7. Don’t make typos. For example, @heinakroon once said “Nuclear Pants” instead of “Nuclear Plants” and now he is winning at typos on Klout. So, everyone go give @heinakroon +K in typos. Do it now, I can wait.
  8. Don’t constantly tweet famous people as if they are your friends. However, I should add that I am exempt from this rule. @lucysfootball said that @SteveMartinToGo is going to follow me back any day now. Wait until I tell him he is in my blog! I’ll bet you can all hardly wait to be reading the same blog that Steve Martin is reading!
  9. Stop trying to get celebrity retweets. Again, @lucysfootball says this one does not apply to me. Especially since Steve Martin and I may or may not have that Etsy Banjo project down the line.
  10. Trolling people is not funny. That may be true, but making other people troll for you is freaking HILARIOUS! Right @blogginglily?

Now that I am at the end of the list again, I notice that no one is HITTING with the hammers, because the hammers are THROWN. And also, I notice that @lucysfootball gave me hammers to throw as well. This is awesome! Why am I hanging around here when I have hammers to throw?!?

Oh, before I gather up all my hammers and get out of here, @lucysfootball… here is your shirt. Wear it with pride.

You will save so much time by wearing this in not having to explain to people to not be asshats.

Actually, I had to give you more than one shirt. Three if you count “They’re YOUR friends, Jesus.” I am still totally stealing that. I don’t care what Neil Simon says.

I have hammers too, you know. Admittedly, I am a little apprehensive in throwing them.

If you don’t have to rush off anywhere, check out the Lucy’s Football (and friends) new web project:
The Loser’s Table: Sarcasm is an Art Form. Where she redefines crazy. Literally… I saw Webster taking notes.