January 20, 2012 37 Comments
I would like to help all of you confront your fears, mainly to make up for the overly sciency nature of that quantum physics post. Especially after I mangled it all to hell and left out most of the actual facts. Did you know that Albert Einstein wore his socks inside out? I don’t actually know this to be a fact, but if it is, I left it out. I’m totally unreliable.
Now that I have sufficiently proven my unreliability, let’s get to helping you with your serious life issues. Since I don’t know what your fears are, we can start by confronting mine. By ‘confronting,’ I mean writing them down in a blog and then doing nothing about them.
Fear 1. Flying Alone
It isn’t really spending time at high speeds flying through the air that concerns me. I don’t like figuring out the airport. I never know what to do at any given time and crack easily under pressure. Security is no place for me to be. The high anxiety dance of taking off shoes, opening a lap top, and placing all the carry-on crap into plastic bins with the rush of people behind me doing the same pushes my blood pressure to a dangerous level. Even after all that, you still have to figure out where to go to get on the right plane.
When you finally make it on the right plane, you have to sit next to some random person. As if that isn’t enough, there is always the risk that person will want to chat with you. It is important to get headphones on as quickly as possible. Don’t worry if they aren’t plugged into anything, you can fix that later. Just wear the headphones all the time. Better yet, here is a shirt:
When you get off the plane, you have to negotiate more transportation to where ever it is you hope to end up. Rental cars, taxis, shuttles, and trains may be available. If you miss any of these, you will fall through the cracks and be trapped in transit forever. I’m pretty sure this is how people end up begging on the street for coins.
Fear 2. Eating
I can’t eat a proper meal in a public place by myself. I would rather just starve. For some reason, dining alone at a table makes me feel like people are staring at me thinking how socially awkward I must be not to be able to find someone to consume food with. While traveling alone, I tend to carry around a lot of granola bars. If you see someone sitting on a sidewalk somewhere begging for change while eating their last granola bar, that is probably me. I must have missed my shuttle.
Fear 3. Automatic Car Washes
I keep telling myself that anyone of average intelligence can handle themselves in these automated car washes. There are lights that tell you to stop and go, and people motioning when you need to drive up and put your car in neutral. I am still terrified. I get things wrong all the time. Apparently, I need double the amount of explaining for a simple task that an average person. I don’t just need to know what to do, I need to know why. I need to know what will happen if I screw this up.
Running a large motored device through a small space with moving equipment does not seem like a thing I would be good at. There is a large percentage chance I will do something wrong that will directly result in my crashing my car inadvertently into the car wash. Then, I will be stuck in the car wash. My car will be stuck there too. My broken car and I will be in the broken car wash, stranded there for everyone to mock for all eternity. I will just stick with the dust. Thanks anyway.
I hope you enjoyed confronting these fears. Now that the fears have been confronted, we can all go through our days not eating, and driving filthy cars while avoiding air travel. We will be so happy.