Are you currently dying? The answer may surprise you.

I have had several near death experiences in the past week. Although, it turns out they were false alarms and that I wasn’t even close to death. I might be close to death right now, I suppose, but not in any of the ways that I was predicting. If I die immediately, it will be from something I never saw coming. I will now detail all my near death experiences in case you are nearing death in the same way. Or, not nearing death, whatever the case may be.

Near Death Experience Number One: Immediate and Total Kidney Failure

My back hurt the other day, and so naturally I assumed that something was wrong with both my kidneys because I read somewhere that they are located near your lower back and sometimes people just think they have back pain when both their kidneys are actually failing. So, the safe thing to assume when you have a pain in your lower back is that both your kidneys are failing. Since the pain was only on one side, I thought I might have a chance of still having one kidney, but I don’t like to take unnecessary chances, so I decided to go to the doctor. Of course, I hate dealing with people, talking to people, and having people touch areas where my kidneys may or may not be failing, so by ‘go to the doctor’ I mean ‘type symptoms into Google.’

My search results on Google told me that since the pain was dull and corresponded with movement, rather than being constant and sharp, that it was probably a muscle hurting rather than my kidneys getting ready to bail on me. Also, I wasn’t running a fever. I forgot what the other symptoms were. After I confirmed my kidneys weren’t falling out, the back pain kind of went away on its own.

Near Death Experience Number Two: Slow and Fatal Heart Attack

Then, as if the kidney failure issue wasn’t enough to deal with… yesterday afternoon… my hand goes numb. Not my entire hand, but the side of it. Well, not the entire side of it, more like the edge. The edge of my left hand and the side of my left pinkie went numb.

My first step in diagnosing any serious medical condition is to wait and see if it goes away. The next step is to jump to the worst case scenario. By midnight last night, the numbness had not gone away. Therefore, I assumed I was having a heart attack and I began contemplating whether I would die immediately or become a comatose vegetable.

Other serious medical questions came to mind in the middle of the night:  Are heart attacks immediate? Is this one already done, or looming? Maybe this is one of those slow heart attacks. Are those a thing? Should I take a baby aspirin? Sometimes they tell you to take a baby aspirin. Maybe it is a stroke. I wonder if I will lose use of my left side if this is a stroke. Which side do you lose use of where you can’t speak? Can I still speak? There is no one to talk to right now. Maybe I should call someone to see if I can still speak.

Finally, I made myself look up symptoms on Google. I was a bit worried that Google would tell me something was seriously wrong,  I really don’t want to rush around at midnight to an emergency room announcing that my hand feels funny. That would be the worst. If I have to go get medical help for something, I want to be bleeding profusely. I want it to be freaking obvious that I need medical attention, not walking around with my hand being half numb.

The Google results told me that since I am right handed and the numbness was in my left pinkie/ring finger area, and since I constantly sit at my desk like a slouchy person, that I was NOT having a heart attack. Apparently there is some sort of nerve in your arm that runs amuck if you sit around leaning on your elbow too much. I don’t know much about that because I pretty much lost interest once I found out I wasn’t having a heart attack.

Now that I have recovered from my serious health issues, I can begin contemplating the fact that I might be a hypochondriac. If not that, I have had this cough for over a week that I am pretty sure is the bird flu. Maybe I’ll type my symptoms into Google.

For Further Research:

Cure your heart attack with simple arm exercises and by not being slouchy:
Okay, fine… they call it ulnar nerve compression… heart attack is more dramatic and much easier to spell.


About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

31 Responses to Are you currently dying? The answer may surprise you.

  1. This is most interesting! I’ve had similar incidents in the recent past. Once I was convinced I was suffering from kidney stones due to severe pain and cramps in the kidney area. Turned out it was just the muscles surrounding the kidneys that were cramping. Still hurt though.

    And just a few months ago I had recurring heart palpitations. I wikipediaed it hoping it would be nothing serious, but it turns out heart arrythmia could be the symptom of severe and possibly fatal heart conditions – I probably only had days to live. Or it could’ve been stress. Turned out it was stress.

    And recently I noticed that I sometimes had blue lips. I knew enough to realise the blue colour was the result of poor blood circulation, and poor blood circulation is sometimes caused by certain serious heart conditions. So I was preparing myself for an untimely death. But within a few days I figured out I only had blue lips in the mornings – more specifically just after I’d brushed my teeth. As it happened, my lips turned slightly blue from the toothpaste. So no untimely death just yet.

    These things are all still very stressful though.

  2. Rosie says:

    I think I totally have a hysterical pregnancy.

  3. Gigi says:

    Currently, I am CONVINCED Hubby is trying to off me (If not him, then who else?) because I’ve had three very near car accidents at the hands of someone else. Surely, he’s got it out for me. Obviously, I will take him out first.

    I stay away from Google for any of my bodily symptoms; simply because the response is always “You are ALREADY dead! Quit bothering us.”

  4. Gigi says:

    Oh, and I meant to say “…because I’ve had three very near, SERIOUS, car accidents at the hands of someone else RECENTLY.” (obviously)

    • lgalaviz says:

      How is hubby trying to off you with the car accidents? Is he driving recklessly while you are in the automobile?

      Have you tried the clutch and gasp move? Everytime he does something scary, clutch at secure areas of the car and gasp. Well… what am I saying, you are probably doing that anyway just as a normal response.

  5. You and my dad would get along well. The other day he told me he thought he was dying of colon cancer. When I asked him why, he said, “I don’t know, it seems like a thing a lot of people die from, doesn’t it?”

    I think I have heart attacks regularly but the doctor assures me they’re just stress. Well, the day I die of a heart attack SHE’S going to feel pretty stupid, now ISN’T she? I hope one of you rubs that in, because, well, I’ll be dead.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I sometimes worry about colon cancer. I’m sure if my colon was more visible, I would worry about it more. My hand is like right here, so if anything happens with it, I’m quite troubled.

      How will we know if you have a heart attack so we can rub it in with your doctor? We need some type of alert system, I think.

      • I would assume if I stop blogging without any sort of notice, I’m dead. Whether of a heart attack or maybe a slip-and-fall incident, who knows. Someone should come check up on me if that happens, probably.

        Or maybe if I just tweet “gack” that could be a sign of an impending heart attack. Keep an eye out for the gack-tweet.

  6. Oh, I so relate! With me it’s all stress. Stress & anxiety, those fun sisters. This reminds me of what medical & nursing students go through! It’s called medical studentitis. Maybe you have that. Are you in med school?

  7. debihen says:

    I knew what you had when I read about your numb side of hand. I’ve had Ulnar Nerve Entrapment. Not only does it hurt, if you ignore it long enough and then you can’t dress yourself or brush your hair without help. And when I say “help” I mean my husband and what do husbands know about brushing hair and dressing themselves? Nothing.
    WebMD has made me a victim of everything from heartburn to a stage four brain tumor. Lets just hope my prostate doesn’t start acting up (fingers crossed!).

    • lgalaviz says:

      So far, I have been concentrating on NOT leaning on my elbow. As I was reading your post, I had to stop myself leaning on my elbow. I do that a lot apparently. The NOT leaning seems to be working. I would hate not to be able to dress myself.

  8. lgalaviz says:

    I think WebMD just tells you everything could be a heart attack in order to save time. I type my symptoms directly into Google.

  9. lgalaviz says:

    A friend of mine was out of town recently and had to depend on her husband to fix their little girl’s hair for picture day at school. I have the photo on my fridge. It was a major fail. Quit worrying about your prostate and take care of that Ulnar Nerve. Without it, you are screwed.

  10. Lisa says:

    If you really want to be a hyperchondriac I have some sites to look at, given that every time I use google they tell me I am in fact either dying or already dead… If the latter is the case then I can categorically confirm that ghosts do exist and that being dead feels pretty much like being alive… Also that death doesn’t cure hyperchondria because I have this twinge in my chest that I’m convinced mean my lungs are failing.

    • lgalaviz says:

      The other day I came into work and the motion detector lights didn’t work. I was moving around and everything. I am pretty sure this means I am already dead.

      Don’t ghosts have chains they are supposed to walk around with? When do I get my chains?

      • Lisa says:

        Well, according to google, I’ve been dead for about a year and I haven’t yet received my chains… So I guess you have a while to wait. I’ll let you know when I get mine so you have a baseline for time etc

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