How successful people do NOT start their mornings

Today, I felt like a success. I started the day early, dropped my kid off at school (on time, I might add), then took a few minutes to tune into Twitter. That is when I saw that @RageMichelle had posted a link to “11 Ways Successful People Start Their Morning.”

I thought, “What a great link to follow! I’m successful. I can now see how other successful people like me start the day.” Here is a link to the article:

Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for Productive Living
11 Ways Successful People Start Their Morning

To facilitate your morning success, I will review each item, then give you a quick summary of how it should be implemented. You will get started a lot faster than the people who are reading the entire article, thus maintaining your competitive edge. If there is anything I am all about, it is the competitive edge.

Disclaimer: I only actually make it through seven of the steps, because, to be honest, success is exhausting. I don’t know who these people are, walking around with productive lives, but they must be tired as hell.

1. Get an early start. The more time you’ve had to digest the day’s news and obstacles ahead, the greater advantage you’ll have over your competition.

Done. I got up early, got my kid to school and gave myself time to get caught up on the day’s news and obstacles. Like most people, I accomplish my news and obstacle awareness via Twitter. Today’s news from Carl‏@CarlRzo had me worried about stripper tips. He states, “Why do strippers give themselves fake names? You’re showing your asshole for $1, nobody cares if your real name is Jen.” Really, the going rate is a dollar? On considering a stipper career, I thought I would get lots of dollars. Also, strippers will be showing other parts of anatomy, not just that one particular area, so they deserve way more than a dollar. I don’t know what kinds of stripper bars you are going to, Carl, but they sound really weird.

2. Review your Focus list. What is your number one goal right now?  

Well, it was going to be picking out a stripper name, but according to Carl, that is totally useless. You don’t even need one because you can just go by ‘Jen.’ My other long term goal is to win the lottery, but you need to buy a ticket for that. If only I could figure out an easy way to get a dollar.

3. Review your TO-DON’T list. A ‘TO-DON’T list’ is a list of things not to do. It’s an incredibly useful tool for keeping track of unproductive habits, like checking Facebook and Twitter.

Well, damn. Major fail on this one already. Twitter was the only reason I am even reading this article on how to be successful. Now I am caught in some type of vortex where I can’t read the article on being successful because I wrote down on a list somewhere not to read the thing that caused me to read the other thing. I will NEVER be successful.

4. Exercise. Movement increases brain function and decreases stress levels. Apple CEO, Tim Cook, is in the gym by 5 A.M. every morning.

Well, bueno for that guy. You know what ELSE increases brain function? COFFEE.

I bet Tim Cook, CEO, wasn’t up at 12am writing his blog, was he? I am going to write my own article about being successful, and it is going to suggest that you stay away from ALL people who get up at 5 A.M. to run on a treadmill. Because you know who else does that? Hamsters, that’s who. Everyone knows that hamsters cannot be trusted.

5. Eat a healthy breakfast. Your brain and body speed are a function of what you intake. Try a spinach omelet one morning and let me know how much better you feel.

Who the hell has time in the morning to make a spinach omelette? Not even Apple CEO, Tim Cook is making spinach omelettes. I wonder if people are really making spinach omelettes and writing in to tell the author of this article how they feel. If you are getting up at 5 A.M. to run on treadmills and make spinach omelettes , don’t even tell me about it. I don’t want to hear it.

6. Kiss your partner goodbye. Most truly successful people have a great home life.

Okay, I know some of you are thinking, “But, I don’t HAVE a partner.” I am here to tell you that making these types of excuses is EXACTLY what is holding you back from having a successful start in the morning. If you don’t have a partner, then find someone else to kiss. It is probably the kissing part that counts anyway. That crazy man on the subway should be up to the task.

7. Connect with the right people. Connecting with positive people in the morning can set you up for a positive day.

I’m not sure if you are aware of this, but positive people are really hard to deal with in the morning. I have been around these people and they are going to be loud and cheerful and very talky. There is a high probability that if you are under-caffeinated, they will suck your soul right out of your body. The last thing you need is to be spending the rest of the day looking around for your damn soul.

8. Throw away all steps listed above. Because I’m not sure how successful this list will actually make you.

By the time you get up early to read on Twitter that your stripper career is entirely unsuccessful, then go through your focus list while somehow managing to avoid the vortex you create by telling yourself not to read Twitter once you already have, you still have get on the treadmill and make an omelette. You are going to be totally exhausted. You won’t even have enough energy to kiss strangers on subways and talk to positive people.

For a successful morning start, you should get up, eat whatever, kiss someone if you want to, and avoid treadmills and positive people until at least noon. Also, I don’t care what Carl says, you need a stripper name that is something besides just ‘Jen.’ At least go with Candi or Bambi. Some people know nothing about managing stripper careers. They are probably too busy making spinach omelettes to see the bigger picture.

Lastly, this t-shirt is for Mark and Angel, the life hackers. I have a feeling they are going to need it.

It will also help anyone who would just rather not hear from people who are making, or have had made spinach omelettes.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

15 Responses to How successful people do NOT start their mornings

  1. lahikmajoe says:

    I’m going to bed early, so I can get up at 5 and run on a treadmill while eating my spinach omelette.

  2. handflapper says:

    I have not done any of those things. I have not, in fact, gotten out of bed today. That may not make me successful, but several people have told me today that they are jealous of me, so that means I win, right?

  3. jbrown3079 says:

    I bet Carl is also upset that strippers keep giving him fake phone numbers as well. A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to, Carl.
    A treadmill at 5:00 means you have one at home. Which is silly. Nobody uses a home treadmill more than once. After that it is a coat rack.

  4. Rich Crete says:

    Many strippers pick names of cars like Mercedes or Lexus or Escalade. My favorite is Buick.

    Breakfast should have fruit, juice, veggies and flavor to properly wake you up and get you started. I suggest a Bloody Mary with extra olives.

  5. Gigi says:

    I will never be successful apparently. Although I do get up early – it certainly isn’t to run on a treadmill, cook an omelette or kiss anybody – it’s usually just to ingest just enough coffee so that I don’t kill the first person I see. Wait……I haven’t actually killed anyone yet so that MUST mean that I am successful at something!

  6. Blogdramedy says:

    I start every day thinking about strippers…and names. I never thought to PUT THE TWO TOGETHER!

    See? This is why I read your blog. Genius. 🙂

  7. DogsDontPurr says:

    I felt like you needed a little help with this, because you were sooo close to being successful. So I’ve amended your list just a bit. You’re welcome!

    1. Get an early start: That’s right, the big tippers usually don’t arrive until the clock rolls over into the A.M.

    2. Review your focus list: Find the biggest tipper.

    3. Review your To-Don’t list: Don’t strip for only a dollar, pick a better stripper name!

    4. Exercise: Work that pole!

    5.Eat a healthy breakfast: Make that big tipper take you out to a diner when your shift ends at 5am…and eat a spinach omelette.

    6. Kiss your partner goodbye: After he buys you breakfast, kiss him goodbye and give him a fake phone number with your fake stripper name.

    7. Connect with the right people: You already have! That big tipper who bought you breakfast will come back to the strip club and tip you some more because he thinks he wrote your number down wrong.

    SUCCESS!!

    (Focus list for tomorrow: Don’t forget what your fake stripper name was.)

  8. MsDarkstar says:

    Unfortunately, if I start my day with a spinach omelette, the rest of the day I will be incommunicado. I won’t even be available via cell phone. I may, however, take my phone with me where I disappear to and do some tweeting… (is tweeting whilst engaged in, ummm, other activities… frowned upon?)

    Exercise will certainly be taken care of if I have a spinach omelette for breakfast… I’ll be “on the run” all freakin’ day. Need for treadmill will be zero.

    If I had a happy home life, I wouldn’t be reading articles on how to be successful. And I’m with you, Lisa… perky morning people are to be avoided at all costs.

    I am not sure what the people who wrote the article are successful at, but if they are perky morning people, it’s not something most people are going to be able to pull off. I’m pretty sure perky morning treadmill using spinach omelette eaters are the bane of society. Or our evil overlords…. either way, get me up at the crack of noon and hand me an iced latte and a sausage biscuit. I may not be successful, but I’m well-rested and caffeinated!

  9. 12 am? What’s that in real money? Midnight (a.k.a. 00:00)?

  10. I wouldn’t worry too much about that spinach omelette; everyone knows that oatmeal porridge is way more healthy, and that it can be made in 2 minutes by nuking a bowl in the microwave.

  11. I don’t kiss my partner goodbye – mainly because she’s still asleep when i leave for work and most likely wouldn’t appreciate being slobbered on.

    (Also, side note: being asleep when other people are going to work somehow sounds really successful to me; who wouldn’t want that?)

  12. Cheerful positive people always trigger my ‘sect member’-alarm. Which makes it difficult to relax since it’s quite loud, like a klaxon or something. Luckily it’s so loud I don’t have to worry about listening to the sect members and therefore never run the risk of being converted.

  13. Roxie says:

    Isn’t Mark Angel that creepy magician dude?

  14. THESE ARE A LOT OF RULES.

    I don’t want to kiss people in the morning. Or at all. People are germy and you can’t rub strangers’ mouths with Purell before smacking one on ’em. They look at you weird.

    I’ve been getting up at 5am for work for the past couple of weeks and listen, there is nothing good about it. It’s dark, I always trip over the cat, and the other day I got toothpaste in my eye. IN MY EYE. This is a very bad rule.

    My whole life lately has been a to don’t list so I’m so solid on that one it’s like I win. I WIN.

    Getting out of bed and avoiding tripping over the cat counts as my exercise. And my breakfast is healthy enough. SHUT IT LIST. I don’t cook that early in the morning, I’d burn down the house.

    Screw this, I’m going to start stripping. I used a stripper name generator and it told me my name is now Cinnamon Sizzle. That sounds like a breath mint. I like breath mints. I guess it’s ok.

  15. elaine4queen says:

    7. in the morning i take poppet out to the park via the towpath. i “connect” with a random bunch of dog walkers, commuters on bikes, the crazy lady, the park attendant, and various neighbours. none of them, not even crazy lady is rude enough to be “positive”. later on in the day we might stop and have a little chat, but the morning is strictly for 1950’s film style “Good Morning”s.

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