How to be an Extrovert

Are you worried about dying alone with hoarded magazines and cats? You may be an introvert.

In order to be happy, it is well documented that you have to be an extrovert. Well, in order to be the happiest person, according to the New York Times, you have to be Alvin Wong (Discovered: The Happiest Man in America).

The problem is that we can’t all be Alvin Wong. No amount of blog posts I can write can even get you close to being Alvin Wong, so don’t even ask me about it. Of course, if you already are Alvin Wong, you don’t even have to keep reading this. Just go back to being an Asian-American Jewish man living in Hawaii, if that is what makes you happy (Apparently, that is EXACTLY what makes people happy).

Of course, the other thing that makes people happy, according to Fox News and Professor Randy J. Larsen, is being an extrovert.

Why Extroverts Are Happier Than Introverts – Fox News

Being Extroverted: Key to Happiness – Washington University in St. Louis Magazine

I know you are thinking, “I’m not an extrovert, and I’m totally happy.” Well, that is not true. According to Fox News and Professor Randy J. Larsen, all introverts are miserable and living with hoarded magazines and lots of cats. Extroverts, on the other hand, are happily prancing around with their many friends through their magnificent lives.

No one ever argues with Fox News or people with the word ‘Professor’ ahead of their name, so I will give you a minute to allow your introverted misery to sink in.

Miserable yet? Great.

Don’t worry, I would not have written a blog post telling you that you are miserable without a plan to do something about it.  The good news is that while we can’t all be Asian-American Jewish men, we can all be extroverts! I guarantee that by the end of this blog post, you will be an extrovert.* Soon, you will be joining the millions of happily converted extroverts in their extraordinary lives**

*Guaranteed in a way that is neither measurable nor refundable.
**I don’t actually know where these people are. Also, there may not be millions of them.

Time to Become an Extrovert

wikiHow (How to do anything) has a very practical article on becoming an extrovert. They even include pictures of extroverts so you can spot them in the wild.

Look at this guy. He’s an extrovert!

Seeing as how you probably want to start being an extrovert right away, I will summarize some of the more relevant steps. After all, reading is for introverts.

Step 1. Talk to people.

And by talking to people, I mean REAL people. It is well established that people who are introverts often communicate online through social media, like Twitter. It is also well established that the people on Twitter aren’t real. I know you are shocked. You would think these people are real. After all, they have pictures of their dogs, and very convicting anecdotes about their jobs and what they are making for lunch. However, these people and their amusing anecdotes are totally fabricated. You know, like the people in the Matrix. They may even THINK they are real, but they are not. Ask anyone who is not on Twitter, and they will tell you that Twitter isn’t real.

Warning: Don’t attempt question the people on Twitter regarding the fact they are not real. They are so deluded they will earnestly insist on their own reality and you do NOT have time to argue with people who don’t exist.

In the interest of talking to real people, you should find two of them to talk to every day. I know the people who are actually around you are not as high-quality as the fake ones you can generate on the Internet. As an extrovert, these are sacrifices you will have to make. It is statistically impossible that extroverts are even remotely satisfied conversing with the people they are talking to, so buck up. Enjoy your conversation at Wal-Mart with the woman in the halter top sitting in the electric shopping cart. She has a riveting story about kicking her boyfriend out of her trailer that I KNOW you haven’t heard.

Step 2. Give yourself permission to act without reflecting beforehand.

According to wikiHow, “Thinking before you act is an introverted trait.” The reason you are going to die alone with cats is because thinking is for introverts.

You are wasting so much time considering the consequences of your actions when you could be plowing ahead forward with no repercussions. Extroverts never worry about the outcome of a situation. For example, I once had an extrovert explain to me in detail the concepts of ‘planking’ and ‘owling.’ Upon request, he even squatted into an owl-like pose with absolutely NO reflection beforehand that this would be a completely ridiculous thing to do. This is how you should be conversing with people, by making owl poses.

Step 3. Talk more and listen less.

Listening is for introverts. You should be spending most of your energy blurting out whatever it is you are going to say next. Don’t worry if it is pertinent to the conversation at all.

Also, if the conversation starts to bore you, change the subject. There is no need to waste your time listening to people droning on and on about their kid’s soccer game. I recommend bringing up trivial stuff people do on the internet, like ‘planking’ and ‘owling.’ This will give you a great opportunity to try out your new owl poses.

Step 4: Give up on the whole thing and wear my t-shirts

I realize all of this seems like a lot of trouble just to avoid dying alone in a pool of your own vomit. However, I may have an easier solution. Feel free to skip all of the steps outlined above in lieu of wearing one of the following t-shirts.

By the time people figure out you are not an Asian-American Jewish man, you will be long gone.

This way you can be an extrovert without even talking to anybody.

At least people will THINK you are happy. Sometimes that is good enough.

For Further Research

A different perspective on whether extroverts are happier than introverts:
Are Extroverts Happier Than Introverts? Yes, But…There are many different ways to define happiness.

Are you happy? Not if you live in West Virginia. Check the Gallup Poll:
Hawaii No. 1 in U.S. for Wellbeing, and West Virginia Last

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

18 Responses to How to be an Extrovert

  1. How many cats, exactly, is the danger threshold? I need to know if I’m getting close to being too introverted. I can get rid of one if necessary… probably the hungry one that likes meat, she would be the first to eat me.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I’m not sure what the cat threshold is. I feel confident no one should have more than 10. You should probably go ahead and get rid of the one that likes meat, regardless.

  2. Maryann says:

    as usual, you are hilarious and clever and have made me laugh, so go you, extrovert or not!!

  3. This has been most enlightening. Feeling totally miserable now. Should try that owl pose I guess, but I’m tired from being so miserable. Perhaps I can just sit here and stare at the screen like a disillusioned owl? That might work.

  4. Handflapper says:

    My monster-in-law must be the exception to this rule. Or the fly in Alvin Wong’s ointment. Something. (Also, I refuse to believe that anyone named “Alvin” or “Wong” can really be happy. And both together? No fucking way. He has to pretend to keep from shooting himself in the head.) Because she is both a hoarder AND an extrovert. SHE is the person in the electric cart telling you about kicking her boyfriend out of her trailer. And then she buys 50 more magazines and a broken crockpot or two.

    • lgalaviz says:

      This is a good point. No one with a name like ‘Wong’ can be happy.

      However, I would have to argue that you can never have too many broken crockpots.

  5. Blogdramedy says:

    Love the first tee but I’d like one with your caption on it…not his name. 🙂

  6. Squally says:

    Crap on a cracker… I have a small box full of magazines I haven’t gotten rid of yet, and I just adopted another cat… I think I’m in need of an intervention.

    *wanders off to read World of Warcraft stuff* Hey, I can pretend that the people I play the game with are real, ok? Leave me alone…

    *curls into an introverted ball*

  7. debihen says:

    It’s too much work. I’m sticking wih crazy cat lady.

  8. Rich Crete says:

    It is now my life’s goal to be as extroverted as the guy in the photo and to be comfortable wearing a sweater that clearly fits a person with much longer arms.

  9. Mano says:

    Conversion to Judaism, CHECK!
    Conversion from Hspanic to Asian American, crap! Guess that’s where I went Wong…

  10. Gigi says:

    Give me one of those t-shirts so I can pretend to be one. I just don’t have the time or the patience to actually BE an extrovert…..besides, they get on my nerves.

  11. I’m an introvert with theater training so I can pretend to be an extrovert really well. Where do I fall on the Wong spectrum?

    Also, I like the pretend people more than the real ones. The real ones always want to borrow things, like Twizzlers or money. I don’t want to be lending my licorice. I might need that someday.

  12. Roxie says:

    I think the real reason Alvin is happy is that he can afford to live in Hawaii! When I win the Powerball Jackpot, I’ll move to Hawaii, and will be “Alvin Happy”, too!

  13. Roxie says:

    Not just happy — Alvin Happy* !!!

    *patent pending

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