How To Go To The Mall: A Photo Guide

The most important part of a successful mall-shopping endeavor is to take people with you. Also, you should have lots of drinks beforehand. Therefore, the first thing you do in preparation for a trip to the mall is find a few friends, then go out for sushi and some cold sake.

Who am I kidding? Sushi is optional. Get some drinks.

Being someone that dresses in clothing purchased from Target along with spiral notebooks and cartons of milk, I was a bit unprepared for the mall. To spare my fellowman the same fate, I will now describe what you should expect from the mall experience.

Upon arrival at a department store, you will most likely be accosted with garishly striped dresses.

Does ANYONE wear these? I have NEVER seen anyone wearing these.

Usually, I dress in solid colors to avoid the matching dilemma. The last thing I need is to wake up in the morning with some Rubix cube puzzle task of finding clothes that go together. If that Rubix cube thing was all one color… BAM… problem solved. People say I’m a genius. I’ve never actually heard them, but I am sure they are saying it out of earshot to avoid embarrassing me.

So, being a person that dresses mainly in solid colors, you can imagine how intimidated I was by these bold patterns. You too may feel pattern-anxiety when confronted by stripes at the door. However, if you did as instructed you will have your friends with you. There is safety in numbers. That must be why women go shopping together, to avoid being attacked by stripes. However, if you don’t have safety in numbers, take a Valium. That will work too.

Some of these dresses will be placed on mannequins to demonstrate what the dress would look like if you were wearing one without your head.

Waving stripes as demonstrated by mannequin

I can use a dress that looks good on me without a head actually, as I am often tempted to take off my head for brain storming sessions and other treacherous situations in which people want to misuse my brain.

Next there will be pants in primary colors.

Pants. In primary colors.

As someone who mainly wears earth tones, so as to blend in with the earth, I’m shocked that a store would only be offering pants in primary colors. Attention people who design pants, there is so much more to the color wheel… branch OUT.

Animal prints… you know, for swimming.

Okay, I admit that I didn’t like the primary color pants because they didn’t blend well enough, but the animal print swimwear is going a bit too far in the other direction. I really don’t want to go to the pool looking like a drowning giraffe. Thanks, anyway.

By the way, you know what is better than drowning in giraffe print? Drowning in giraffe print with glitter heels.

Glitter Heels

I usually feel strongly that shoes should not have jewelry; however, these shoes would go nicely with the giraffe swimsuit above. See how they are similar in color? They would totally go great together.

You could wear them to a beauty pageant, as that is the ONLY place I have ever seen anyone wearing swimsuits in heels. You hardly ever see anyone in swimsuits and heels at the beach or the pool. This is because people are aware that the zombies will most likely come out of the water during zombie apocalsype. You don’t want to be running from them in a giraffe suit and glitter heels. You will be the first to go.

Aside from giraffe suits, you know what else people don’t wear enough of? Chartreuse, that is what.

Chartreuse Heels

I know you are thinking that you probably have a chartreuse outfit somewhere that these shoes will go with. If that is indeed what you are thinking, why stop at chartreuse? You know that great leather outfit you have with the ball gag? The mall has the perfect shoes for that.

Sadomasochist Heels

Please note how the spikes on the lower part of the shoe are in the shape of a bow. Just because you are wearing pervert shoes, does not mean they can’t have that feminine touch.

My friend’s foot in a Mardi Gras shoe

These shoes especially seemed over the top. Bright colors AND glitter. I almost wish I had a place to wear them. Where do people wear glittery shoes? The sales person said people wear them on cruise ships, but I really can’t afford to buy a cruise ship just so I can wear glittery shoes. I’m way too practical.

This is me in fancy shoes, trying not to fall down.

This is NOT the camera angle… the floor really was this slanty. I don’t know how I was able to walk and not fall down. This is also probably how I would actually be wearing these shoes, with shorts and a tank top. It is a good look for me, I think.

Me in garish yellow shoes (I got tired of asking people how to spell chartreuse).

These are the perfect shoes for your stripper career. Some of you may remember the requirement of glass heels in How to Choose a Career. If you are job hunting, these are the stripper shoes for you. When I told the salesman I needed some shoes for stripping, he assured me that these shoes are an INVESTMENT. “You will make back the $80 you spend on these shoes within an hour,” he told me.

Next time you need some stripper shoes, or a dress to wear when you are headless, call me. I’ll show you around the mall. You are paying for drinks, however. I can’t spend all the cash I am making with my new stripper shoes just anywhere.

Just in case I happen to be unavailable for mall shopping on the day you are going, I am leaving a few t-shirts to help you out.

Hopefully this shirt will work better than the one that said let’s go sober to the department of motor vehicles. NOBODY went for that one. I had to go all by myself.

Sometimes the sales staff responds better when you can tell them exactly what you want.

See… I’m altruistic. People say that all the time. I’m assuming they are just saying it in places where I can’t hear them.

For Further Research:

Browsing for something a little less garish? Try The Bellbottom Blog: The Mall. You may learn that before malls, they had the stores located OUTSIDE.*

*I know… I don’t believe it either.


About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

21 Responses to How To Go To The Mall: A Photo Guide

  1. jbrown3079 says:

    My wife has the unfortunate task of taking me along when a mall trip is necessary.
    I like to think I am helpful. Following along, saying,”What about this one?” at perfectly spaced intervals is sort of helpful, right?
    Remembering not to say that when I pass a paisley print could be considered supportive.
    Where I draw the line is in the shoe department. That is when I say, “I’ll be over there” with a vague wave of my hand.

  2. “The most important part of a successful mall-shopping endeavor is to take people with you.” Damn it. First sentence and I suck already. I’ve usually gone alone.

  3. I too dress in mainly single colours; not only is it convenient, but I’m convinced that wearing understated apparel would make people take me more seriously. This is essential if you try to appear vaguely scientific. Or want to take over the world.

  4. Also, I find it odd that only certain animal patterns are used for prints on clothes. Why don’t we see any owl pattern prints? Or salamander patterns? What’s with this species-ism really?

  5. Gigi says:

    I say we just skip the mall and go get margaritas.

  6. I like the spiky dominatrix-shoes. I think those would also be helpful in a street fight. You could flail your feet and inflict many wounds. So really, they’d double as both dominatrix-shoes and street-fight weaponry. They’re really worth the money.

  7. emmawolf says:

    I would not wear those shoes (or any open-toed shoe/sandal) to Mardi Gras. There is too much frat boy vomit to avoid stepping in.

  8. debihen says:

    Did those Giraffe print swimsuits have ANYTHING to do with the unfortunate accident that rendered the giraffe a paraplegic?
    And is chartreuse in the same color family as puce? I make it a habit not to wear colors I cannot spell or if the color name sounds like a hideous disease.

    • lgalaviz says:

      What color IS puce, anyway? I might like it. Maybe I’m a fan of disease related colors and just don’t know it yet.

      I’m not sure if the swimsuit and the paraplegic giraffe have a connection, but it seems too much of a coincidence otherwise.

  9. Blogdramedy says:

    I shop the way you shop…drinks beforehand. But, the first thing I do before hitting the mall…it hit the bathroom. 😉

    Love that second wavy dress. Headless or not it suits you.

  10. Aviva Rubin says:

    While I love to laugh when I read, It’s particularly thrilling when I laugh and learn at the same time. People too rarely refer to chartreuse and show it too, so because the word evokes a brothel or a boudoir to me, I always assumed the colour was scarlet or something in the bright red department. Even though I’ve been corrected in the past, I can’t seem to hold onto the greeniness of it. And I’m not assuming that no brothels use green decor elements. So thanks for this hilarious and educational post.

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