How to go to the Gym

In my recently developed quest to try new things, I have successfully joined a gym. I actually joined yesterday online. If you don’t want some muscle head touring you around the equipment and showing you where the towels are, then online is the way to go. Online is the new way of doing everything. I was actually going to work out online, but I guess they don’t have that part set up yet.

So, yesterday I joined a gym, printed out a sheet of paper declaring my official membership, and headed to that location. I arrived at the gym a little after five, which is apparently the time all of the members of the gym choose to park all of their cars and go inside. While I was looking for any scant amount of parking available, I noticed a curious development. Everyone was headed from their cars to the gym, all carrying duffle bags, and all with miserable looks on their faces. The look of despair on these duffle bag laden individuals made my heart bleed. It also made me run for the hills.

So, if you too are interesting in going to a gym, here is a walk through for gym membership day one:

  1. Join gym
  2. Tour parking lot
  3. Flee in terror

Day two, I was determined to actually go into the gym. After all, they are probably looking for me, their newest member, by now.  There is probably some kool-aid I need to drink or something.

Showing up a little earlier than the day before, parking is not as difficult. Plus, as an added advantage of scoping the place the day before, I now know the procedure for walking in.  Grabbing my duffle bag, I look as down trodden and miserable as possible and head for the front door. Some muscle-bound guy in a tank top even opens the door for me like I belong there. I am already winning at going to the gym.

When I get to the front desk, there are three muscley guys standing around speaking to each other in some sort of language I don’t understand. It sounds like grunts and half finished words, and from what I can tell, seems to be about some sort of substance called Hydro Muscle Bulk. I was confused at first, but then remember our resident sciency guy, Andreas (Heinakroon.com) mentioning something about stickleback gonads being of enormous size, leaving no energy left to waste on building an expensive big brain. These dudes must be reallocating their resources. See… science can explain EVERYTHING.

One of the guys notices me standing there with a document in my hand. I give him the document and announce my membership into their tribe. I can tell they are duly impressed. Also, I had NO IDEA this is a SECRET SPY gym! They scanned both my index fingers with a laser and gave me a secret code. I am not even exaggerating on this point. I am pretty sure I am getting called on a mission any day now.

I found the changing room okay, and had all the gym clothes in my duffle bag. But, then I remembered Diana (@haircuter) telling me about the huge sweaty manly muscley women clan and I am afraid they will walk in while I am changing. So I have to change in a bathroom stall with the new fear of dropping various items directly in the toilet. I rationalize that dropping things in the toilet will probably be easier to deal with than whatever it is the manly muscley women will do to me. Diana didn’t really say what they would do to me, but she did use the word ‘scary.’

Now, it is time to attach myself to one of those machines. You know, like in the matrix. I go and find a machine. The machine tells me to press a program or the green button. I press a program. Nothing happens. So, I press the green button. Nothing. DAMMIT! I JUST GOT HERE! I can’t believe I am failing already. After pressing more buttons several more times, I decide to try another machine. Much to my relief, this one works. They are never going to let me operate the secret spy equipment if I can’t get a damn treadmill to work.

Much to my dismay, I am not actually attached to the machine. Before I was worried about becoming a scene from the Matrix. Now, I am worried about falling off. Falling off seems much worse. I start the machine and it feels really strange. I don’t know if any of you have ever walked or run before, but usually when you walk or run, it is you that is moving over the ground. This treadmill system is exactly the opposite. The ground moves out from under your feet in a callous attitude where you had better either move along with it, or get flung off into the remote corners of the universe.

I notice in the course of my very successful not falling off of the treadmill that several other people are coming over to the broken machine and pressing a series of buttons with no success. I think to myself what terrible spies they will be. I also think that this situation could be easily resolved with some sort of sign that says, “Broken.” I hate to suggest it though. The guys at the front really seemed to be focused on the Hydro Muscle Bulk.

It took a little getting used to, but after about half an hour, I was finally able to keep pace with the machine without the constant fear of the thing flinging me off into the recesses of space to hang out with the dark matter. Then, it very considerately informed me it would be stopping. Great, mission accomplished, right? No. Not even close.

Now that the floor has been spinning beneath you, your new mission, if you choose to accept it, is to go back to regular walking. After spending a good half hour with the floor spinning, my feet graciously decide that is the way the world would be from this day forward. From now on, the ground moves. Got it. Trouble is… feet… this situation was only temporary. We need to go back to the system of the real floor now.

I don’t know if any of you have ever walked on a floor that feels like it should be moving and isn’t moving, but it is really disorienting. I had to sit down for a bit. After successfully NOT falling off the treadmill, I’ll be damned if I am going to fall off the damn floor. Not today, floor. Not today.

In case you are interested in joining a gym, here is the walk through for day two:

  1. Walk through the parking lot with a duffle bag and miserable expression
  2. Enter the gym with your secret spy code and finger scan
  3. Avoid the huge sweaty manly muscley women clan
  4. Avoid falling off the machines
  5. Avoid falling off the floor

And… done. Easy, right?

So, now you know how to go to a gym. I just wish I knew where everyone was getting those towels. That is what happens when you join a secret spy gym online without anyone to tell you where the towels are. I’m thinking they are probably next to the hidden wall of secret spy guns and weapons.

Here is some workout gear to prepare you for your gym experience. I can’t even imagine how grateful you must feel to me for helping you with your health and well-being.

By wearing this shirt, you can blend in with the muscley women clan until they gradually accept you as one of their own. There is a documentary here begging to be made.

This one is for me. I plan to try the elliptical machine next time and want to be prepared.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

21 Responses to How to go to the Gym

  1. jbrown3079 says:

    If you use the machines that you sit on, there is a whole cleansing ritual that is a part of it. Kind of like wiping the grocery cart handles off at the supermarket.
    I stopped going because it seemed only people who looked like “after” pictures were really welcome.

    • I stopped, too. I’m going to try the xbox Kinect instead. I hate getting my exercise on in front of people, especially now that I’m so weak from years of hermitude.

    • lgalaviz says:

      They think I belong there because I walk in looking pissed off. If you ever feel out of place, just try looking annoyed and pissed off. I am excellent at it.

      I also tried very hard not to sit on anything while I was there.

  2. LOL. This is great – and it fits right in with me this week/last week.

    About a month ago (or longer) a gym FINALLY opened up in this area. There’s seriously not another gym within 20 minutes and there’s no way I’m getting up and going in traffic to those places at 5am or after work when I’m le pooped already.

    Anyway, it FINALLY opened on Thursday last week. Each time I’d be going, I was scared there would be thousands of people hanging around and working out like the muscle people do. Well, I went last night at 8-9 and not too many were there. But, my 5am work out schedule rocks because I’m like the only other person plus five in the gym. It’s amazing having it to myself. And, I don’t have to look like a fool if I happen to fall face down on the treadmill! Ha.

    • lgalaviz says:

      It seemed like there were lots of people in the gym who were all looking directly at me, waiting for me to fall off the floor. They happened to be really good at looking preoccupied with other things when I tried to catch them at it, but keep in mind… they are all trained spies.

  3. Treadmills shouldn’t be so callous. That’s really rude of them. They don’t seem to know you’re a spy. Maybe they didn’t get the memo.

    You should talk to Andreas about how best to fit in with the other spies. According to my dad, he’s totally a spy. Now that you’re in the club, I think he can share his secrets. And if you need to assassinate anyone, you have Ken for reference. It’s nice that we have such important people as friends, isn’t it?

    • lgalaviz says:

      You know, I forgot about my powerful group of spy and assassin friends. In the future, those treadmills will realize I am someone to be reckoned with.

  4. First of all: I’m so glad you’re resumed blogging! The blogosphere wasn’t the same without you.

    Secondly: Call me Amish-boy if you like, but I prefer the ground to remain stationary and me moving along above it.

    Thirdly: I’m assuming that with the Icelandic Stickleback gonads reference, you’re extrapolating the theory of resource management to include muscles vs brain, not just gonads vs brain? As I’m guessing they didn’t have enormous gonads? Yes, that’s an interesting theory..

    • lgalaviz says:

      Firstly: Thank you!!!

      Secondly: Amish Boy.

      Thirdly: You assume correctly. I couldn’t figure out how to explain that they were developing their muscles rather than their brains or gonads, so I left it open. It does read kind of vague.

  5. I’m so afraid of gyms. I just feel like an idiot just walking in the door!

    My favorite line: These dudes must be reallocating their resources. HA!!

    • lgalaviz says:

      I was terrified. Trying not to be afraid of ordinary things. Like gyms.

      I have conquered the gym! However, automatic car washes still have their evil hold on me.

  6. debihen says:

    Thanks for reminding me how fun it is to belong to a gym. I prefer my home gym for all the reasons mentioned above…when I can find it beneath all the luggage and laundry I store on it.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I had one of those once. It stayed out in the garage. At least the gym isn’t around your house accusing you of not using it with its physical presence.

  7. Rich Crete says:

    Perfect. I think you nailed Day 1.
    You might brush up on your Chewbacca sounds for the front desk types.
    Do you have to supply your own spy trench coat and fedora? How about a shoe-phone?

    • lgalaviz says:

      Good advice on the Chewbacca sounds. I am pretty sure that is where I was going wrong.

      I forgot to ask about the shoe-phone. Definitely a must.

  8. a says:

    Yeah, the enormous gonad vs brain issue – it’s probably not quite that in the gym. It’s the enormous muscles due to substances that shrink both your gonads and your brains issue, I’m guessing. Beware the ‘roid rage – but you should be safe on the elliptical and the treadmill. You can’t make enormous muscles there.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I wasn’t planning to take steroids, but I’m pretty sure they had them at the front desk. I’ll stick to the elliptical and avoid the ‘roid rage. Thanks!

  9. Edwin Drooooooood says:

    The floor has to more, or else you run (pun!) out of space. 🙂 How expensive is it to join a gym? Could you buy a treadmill of your own for the same price? That way you could put it in front of your tv.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I don’t think I have room for a treadmill in my house. It would just sit there glaring at me for not being on it. I can’t handle the guilt of ignoring appliances. I already have an espresso machine that is totally pissed at me.

  10. The gym? The GYM?! Here’s a work out for you… bake cake, flex while cutting cake, curl fork with cake to mouth. You’re welcome. Related, I want cake.

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