The Rick Perry Luncheon Part Three: The Luncheon

We arrive in Austin. I somehow manage to get my impossible shoes back on my feet and exit the van. I then cross the street in a timely enough manner so I am not hit by oncoming traffic. Major success. This is around the time we find out Rick Perry isn’t going to be at the Rick Perry luncheon. I know you are probably upset that you read this whole thing only to find out that Rick Perry never even makes an appearance, but at least you didn’t have to wear pinchy shoes. So, quit complaining.

In all honesty, Rick Perry was never even formally designated to show up at this luncheon. I merely assumed Rick Perry would be at the luncheon because he was at the luncheon last year. That is called prediction based on previous events. It is very scientifical.

Turns out, Rick Perry sent a perfectly suitable replacement. I should have known something was up when the guy took the stage and I saw he was wearing cowboy boots with his business suit. I didn’t even know you could do that. Then, he opens his mouth and starts trying to be funny. Except, his idea of being funny just pisses me off. He starts off talking about bumper stickers on trucks. I am naively sitting in my chair with shoes on because that is what people do, looking at him and pretending to be interested while wondering how long this is going to take when he blurts out, “Piss off a liberal. Get a job, work hard, and be happy.”

At first I am confused. Why would a person get on a stage and say that? That is a really dumb thing to say. Before Lucy’s Football blog, I would have had no idea how to react to this guy. But, Lucy’s Football blog has prepared me for this day. The guy is an ASS HAT. Capital ASS, capital HAT. Now when he starts telling us we need to close off the Texas borders to keep out everyone coming over from Mexico, I am fully expecting it. I am a bit surprised he leaves out the heat seeking laser missiles.

About two minutes into the ASS HAT speech, I suddenly realize that if I had wanted to listen to this sort of thing, I would have grabbed a bottle of vodka and turned on the Republican debates. Instead, I have no vodka and I am in impossible shoes. I am trapped.  Rick Perry’s evil twin finally ends his speech with a rant about small government and big business. There is a long invocation in which I bow my head respectfully for so long I need a chiropractor. Then, at long last, we get to eat our lunch.

All throughout lunch and the long speeches, I have had my shoes on. This is what people do. They sit at lunch with their shoes on, especially if their shoes require a major amount of effort to apply in the first place. The trouble with eating lunch and listening to a bunch of speeches with your shoes on is that your feet get sweaty. When your feet get sweaty in pinchy shoes with heels that slip a little, these shoes become shoes with heels that slip a lot. They are still very pinchy though. Go figure.

Now my walking requires double the concentration and a way of stepping in which I put my shoe on the ground heel first and never bend my foot. I am sure it is very graceful. It is also excruciatingly slow. Another problem is that the plan after lunch is to hurry and get to the picture taking area first, so we don’t have to stand in line. That’s right: I said, HURRY. I can’t hurry. I can barely make it across the street without getting hit by a car. This snail pace is my top speed. No, making that waving motion with your arm is NOT going to help me walk any faster. Damn, what would Holly Golightly do?

Turns out Holly Golightly would painfully walk around, take the damn picture, readjust the gel pads in the shoes in the bathroom, then somehow stumble back to the van and take off the shoes from hell. The only reason I even had to channel Holly Golightly in the first place because of those damn shoes. I wore my back up shoes for the rest of the trip. I did carry around one of the tall heels in case of zombie attack. You can never be too careful.

The main take away from all of this is: if you get invited to a Rick Perry luncheon, there are a few things you will need to take care of in advance. First, make sure Rick Perry will actually be at the luncheon. Second, make sure you have shoes that fit. Accomplish those two things and you will be fine. You can also make up some sort of excuse where you don’t have to go. That might be preferable.

Oh… and be sure you take this t-shirt:

Because you never know when you might run into an asshat.


About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

14 Responses to The Rick Perry Luncheon Part Three: The Luncheon

  1. In Texas, I believe it is referred to as a 10-gallon asshat. I could be mistaken.

  2. I’m very excited you thought of me when the asshat appeared. It’s like I was there with you! At a fancy luncheon! I hope I didn’t spill food onto my blouse or knock over the water pitcher onto a rich old lady. Which are both things I’ve done at fancy luncheons in the past.

    Also, I’m very excited you met someone’s evil twin. Maybe you should tell Rick Perry he has an evil twin? Do you think he knows? I don’t know how excited he would be, knowing an evil twin’s going around, appearing at venues where Perry was promised to be. I think the best way to contact him would be to send him a letter, with all the words cut out of magazines. That’s sure to get someone’s attention, rather than a boring old letter typed on a computer or something. Or, barring that, maybe stand outside his house screaming “YOUR EVIL TWIN IS TRYING TO KILL US ALL WITH ‘HUMOR.'” Perry will appreciate your efforts, I’m sure.

  3. “Beware of the ass hats” should totally be the motto when I take over the world.

  4. Edwin Drooooooood says:

    My evil twin just wrote a stand-up act with only one line: “Women be wearin’ shoes.” Shut up, evil twin, I can totally see your shoes, too! Sorr- about my evil twin, everyone! Ooooh, can I get a shirt that says that? 🙂

  5. MsCleanslate says:

    I am actually fairly certain that Rick Perry is a synonym for “AssHat” . And his Evil Twin sounds like either an AssHat or a DoucheBag… And I do not even like the term “douchebag” due to having asked “what’s that” at a time in my youth when it really would have been best not to know what “that” was when I saw it hanging in the shower.

    Slightly vinegar scented memories aside, did you ever recover your cereal bar? (From the last installment of your story… I know I should have asked there but I didn’t think of it until now because I was too busy wondering how the Rick Perry Cliffhanger was going to resolve.

    And, in the event you don’t want to carry around heels but still want to be able to ward off zombies and the like with pointy objects, get yourself one o’ these…

  6. I’m pretty sure that this means that Rick Perry owes you lunch. And that he should probably spring for either comfortable shoes or whatever chiropractic adjustments you need as as result of wearing pinchy shoes to a luncheon he couldn’t even bother to show up for in person. Sending an Evil Twin underling is just the sort of dirty pool I would expect politicians to engage in.

    Also, I am sorry I missed the latest sarcastic movie night. Life has been sortve chaotic lately and I got home late and didn’t even have the movie. Clearly, my priorities are askew and I apologize.

  7. a says:

    I would not have assumed Rick Perry would have been at the luncheon, as he has been very busy taking his own Asshat behavior to the national level. Sounds like his replacement was adequately prepped, though. (Disclaimer: I am generally a liberal. But I do not object to people getting jobs. In fact, I encourage it…or I would if the damn big business owners would stop sending their jobs overseas.)

    Have your coworkers never heard of the concept of “Save me a place in line?”

  8. Gigi says:

    I have to say, I’m most confused. Did you, or did you not, retrieve your cereal bar?

    • Oh yeah. What happened to the Granola bar? Did you use your newly found Holly Golightly charm to make one of the men get it for you?

      • lgalaviz says:

        I was finally able to open the back of the van and retrieve my breakfast bar. However, this event coincided with our brief stop at a kolache place. As fate would have it, although reunited with my long lost breakfast bar, I now have a kolache. So, I told the breakfast bar that IT abandoned ME and tossed it aside with disregard.

  9. Gigi says:

    Oh, and I REALLY need that t-shirt. I am surrounded by Asshats of every political leaning. Even when they aren’t talking politics.

  10. Brenna says:

    No offense, but I kind of think you should have known that the words “Rick Perry luncheon” were synonymous with “lunch with asshats.” But I commend you for your optimism, and I hope your feet fully recover.

  11. Satan says:

    you were in AUSTIN and i missed it??!?!?!??

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