Accomplishing Valentine’s Day

In the spirit of the self-help t-shirt line, I am going to offer you t-shirts that will help you through Valentine’s Day… whether you like it, or not. I mean, whether you like Valentine’s Day, or not. Not if you like my t-shirts. How would you even know if you like them or not, you can’t even see them because they don’t exist.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I should let you know these shirts will not be having pictures of hearts and teddy bears. These are not those kinds of Valentine shirts. These are way more practical.

As you may or may not be aware, Valentine’s Day is typically the required day for men who are mating (or hoping to mate) to woo their woman (or women) of interest with expensive, but essentially useless gifts, like beautiful flowers and shiny diamonds (for more information on shiny things, see Heinakroon.com). Well, I shouldn’t describe all of these items as useless. Diamonds are actually quite good for drill bits, but no girl wants to get a drill for Valentine’s Day. Except maybe that lesbian who tried to beat up @lucysfootball outside the video store. She would probably love one. But she might beat you up, so I wouldn’t mention it.

For the Valentine’s Day Renouncers

Enough about lesbian drill bits, it is time to help you with your Valentine situation. First, let’s assume you hate Valentine’s Day. I have learned from vegans that if you don’t want to do something, the best strategy is to pick a moral high ground then use it to tell everyone else they are doing all the wrong things. If you don’t want to eat meat, for example, you should explain to everyone with a slab of dead animal on their plate how they can get all the protein they need from tofu. Deep inside you will know that even though the carnivores are staring at you, and still chewing bacon, they truly appreciate your conviction.

Let’s apply this tactic to Valentine’s Day. If all the flowers at the office annoy you either because of the constant interruption they create, or simply because no one is sending you any, take the moral high ground. Here is your t-shirt and sample rant:

Sample Rant:

Why are you people killing flowers just to display them on their desks for a few days? Has anyone even considered the serious abuse of these flowers? You have dozens of helpless plants slowly dying in front of you and all you care about is checking your email! Those flowers were outside growing happily, until someone slit their stems and stuck them in a vase under fluorescent lighting. Is this how you would want to be treated? There are roses out there growing thorns to protect themselves. THORNS! You should be ashamed.

For Valentine’s Day Participants

If you want the entire Valentine’s Day experience, you should take steps to ensure that all items required for your Valentine happiness are secured well in advance. Don’t put yourself in the position of telling your significant other that nothing is wrong while you cry and hold your Valentine’s Day bowling ball. A lot of problems can be avoided by setting the right expectations.

Things to Purchase Me for Valentine’s Day:

Simply check off which of the standard Valentine Gifts you would like to receive, and let the shirt do the work for you. It is so much easier than dropping subtle hints. Subtle hints can be totally ignored. No one can ignore this t-shirt (I’m making the font really big).

There it is… another holiday crisis solved. Everyone enjoy your chocolates and/or moral indignation. You’re Welcome!

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

28 Responses to Accomplishing Valentine’s Day

  1. Carmen says:

    I am thrilled that you are always here offering sound advice. My life is complete. Thank you. In other news, I hate Valentines day, but I better get a present

  2. Edwin Drooooooood says:

    My Valentine’s Day shirt will read “Joan and Melissa are on WE TV tonight. 8PM Central”

  3. Rich Crete says:

    You could help save some time and pre-check the Jewelry box if it’s a wish list.

    Next shirt can be a list of what she’s likely to actually get:

    Medium Slurpee
    Biggie Fries
    Scratch Off Lottery Ticket
    Stuffed Animal With a Pink Bow (that the grocer put next to the counter with a “Did You Forget?” sign so he could impulse it while paying for his beer)
    2 Tickets to the Monster Truck Show
    Drill Bits

    • lgalaviz says:

      Yes, you are absolutely right. THAT should be the next shirt.

      Side Note: In the future, please refrain from making comments that are both funnier and more clever than the actual blog. Thanks.

  4. jbrown3079 says:

    Subtle hints are a married man’s kryptonite. We need large, obvious hints. The t-shirt is a great idea. But maybe a banner on the front of the garage would be helpful.

  5. Very informative and useful post!

    Am I right in assuming that the more expensive and useless the gift the better it will be received?

  6. P.S. Thanks for linkback!

  7. julierosesmk says:

    I will choose to save the flowers and share my righteous indignation. Thanks for giving me the words to say. (Roses really do grow thorns to protect themselves.) 🙂

    I so hate Valentine’s Day. I think I’ll go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and bitch about it there, too.

  8. Lahikmajoe says:

    My wife loathes this concocted holiday.

    Her policy is: I love flowers. Give me flowers any other day of the year.

    The less that the holiday is mentioned, the better.

    Most years that means I can give her flowers 364 other days, but because this is a leap year…I have 365 other flower-giving possibilities.

    Ooh, will there be imaginary shirts for leap year?

  9. Have you ever considered the plight of unborn t-shirts? Thousands of novelty t-shirts are conceived each day, but sadly, only a small percentage of these innocent garments will ever reach term and be delivered to a loving family of their own. Won’t someone think of the shirts?

    • lgalaviz says:

      I tried to make an actual t-shirt once, but failed because Zazzle hates me. Therefore, Zazzle is killing all of the unborn t-shirts. I’m pretty sure that is very bad karma.

  10. a says:

    I am clearly missing out – I have neither moral indignation nor a wish list. Can you make a t-shirt that says something on the order of “I can tell you’re being insincere. Knock it off.” because I hate all the fake romanticism? In fact, I should really get an actual tshirt with that, so I can also wear it on my birthday and at funerals, as well as on Valentine’s day. It would be all-purpose!

  11. Things I like about Valentine’s Day:

    That the day after Valentine’s Day, you can get good dark chocolate 50% off.
    This blog post.

    Things I hate about Valentine’s Day:

    Everything else.

    Things that still make me laugh:

    The lesbian who wanted to beat me up in the parking lot of the video store and how worried my best friend was that I was actually going to show up and get in a fight with her because she was totally scary. I mean, she had a PIERCED EYEBROW. She was NOT screwing around.

    • Midianite Manna says:

      YES! I love Cheap Chocolate Day (Feb 15th). I fucking hate that I have to help my mostly illiterate son fill out cards for all his little friends to mark a holiday on which our people regularly got slaughtered in the past. (Ok, so he’s only 5, it’s still annoying. Especially since his friends have names that are impossible to spell. Te-aisha. Keyvion. Suzy.)

      Although I’m pretty much always in favor of getting diamonds. In jewelry OR drill bits.

    • lgalaviz says:

      People with eyebrow piercings are not to be trifled with.

  12. I only want one thing for Valentine’s Day. A tiara. And for the last 20 years or so, the top gift on my wish list for any and all gift-giving occasions has been a tiara. You know what I don’t have? A TIARA!

    And no, I am NOT going to go out and buy MYSELF a tiara. Tiaras are bestowed, they are not purchased for oneself. Hell, I thought for a minute back in the 80’s about trying to get the attention of (shudder) Prince Charles (shudder) just so I could be a princess and WEAR A TIARA!

    I’ve also not gotten flowers, chocolates, jewelry or even a card on Valentine’s Day. You know what I *HAVE* gotten? Decades of shattered expectations…

    So, I believe I will be taking the “moral indignation” route. Maybe hijack a couple of floral delivery trucks and I may order myself a few pounds of chocolates. And I will declare loudly to anyone who will listen that I don’t even LIKE or CARE ABOUT Valentine’s Day.

    P.S. I was so excited because I belong to a writer’s group and we meet on Tuesdays and for the first time in my life I was going to have a Valentine’s Date (ok, so my groupmates don’t know that they were going to be my Valentine’s Dates but I have secret husbands who are so secret that they don’t even know my name or that I even exist, so, stealth dating should be easy). Well… guess what isn’t happening that Tuesday? That’s right, no writer’s group. Which means that Valentine’s Day has kicked me in the balls that I have for arguments sake once again. Can I get a T-Shirt that says that, Lisa? “Valentine’s Day Has Kicked Me In The Balls Again” or is that too long for a t-shirt? Maybe a tunic? (Cuz they’re longer…?)

  13. elaine4queen says:

    a lot of flowers are actually FLOWN around after harvesting, which is ECOLOGY DISASTER win!

    i also looked up skiing once in a miserablist ecology book, because i didn’t ever want to have to wish i had ever been skiing because i am afraid of broken legs. in it it said that regular skiing is bad for the water table (presumably it forces snow down hill? i don’t get it, but i suspended disbelief for my own purposes) and off piste skiing is bad for wildlife. ECOLOGY DISASTER win!

  14. zippy219 says:

    Sorry I’m late to your Valentine’s Day post. No excuses, I’m just perpetually running late in life. Anywhoo- I for one would love a drill and/or drill bits for Valentines Day or any of the gift giving holidays. A table saw would be awesome or some red tulips, yes I’m a flower killer! Either way, I think I’m relatively easy to please. Not that anyone tries, I’m 36 and have never had one romantic Valentines Day. I’m no blushing virgin by any stretch; I’ve just always been single in February; which also means no romantic birthdays but that’s for another t-shirt.

    It’s on my bucket list now, just to have one romantic V-Day before I die. Yes, its a stupid holiday but I’m secretly a blubbering, sentimental romantic.

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