The new year: full of things that have never been

I came over today to watch a New Year’s Day football game at a friend’s house. Which really means drink glass of champagne while reading Lucy’s Football blog on my phone.

There is a kid over here who just told me, “I got a discount! Check it.” I had him repeat it to make sure I heard him right. I still don’t get it. I am stopping being nice to annoying children. It only leads to trouble. For example, over the holiday break, I was watching my kid and a friend of his, and decide I want to read my Kindle. I don’t know what sort of weather the rest of you are having, but it has been very pleasant here in Texas. I decide to take the kids to the playground at the park. I visualize myself happily reading as they cavort around, glancing up every once in a while to check on them.

So, I pack up the kids, a couple bottles of water. Kids always whine that they are thirsty. If you EVER take a kid anywhere, do yourself a favor and grab a couple bottles of water. You will thank me. So, the kids are happily playing at the park, and I am reading my Kindle as planned. Then, like a shark, this other kid comes up out of nowhere and starts TALKING to me. I’m cool with it for a while, but then I realize I really don’t feel like chatting about Nerf guns with a total stranger. I am thinking, “Look kid, I just got RID of two other kids. I don’t need your ass sitting here talking to me.” Then, I pause to consider what it is I really want out of this situation. I want to read my damn Kindle in peace. So, I tell the kid point blank, “Look. I want to read my book. See that slide over there? Go slide on it.” Problem solved.

Resolution: be less nice to children.

If anyone else has the same resolution as me, I have tried to make some t-shirts to help you. These haven’t been field tested however. If you could let me know how they work out for you, that would be great.

This could make children cry, or elicit a lot of questions. Probably won’t work.

This could work, or it could be problematic in attracting kids who like homework. Plus, you will most likely have no actual homework to back this up.

You know, a predator like a leopard or something, only sexier. It probably isn’t that funny, but at least it will encourage a more proactive response by the parents to keep their kids away from you.

My other resolution is to drink whipped-cream-flavored-vodka with @lucysfootball. I am hoping she will let me know when she is buying hers. I can stop off on my way from work and pick up a bottle. Then, we can drink our vodka and have drunken blogs and drunken Tweets and, for one sweet and glorious night, we will RULE the Internet. It is going to be so awesome.

Resolution: Drink more whipped-cream-flavored-vodka.

I want to read more books. Don’t get me wrong, I like my Kindle. I can get books on it instantly, the moment I think I want them. They should invent a device like this for snacks, actually.

I don’t have a lot of time to go running around buying books. If I did, I would have already forgotten what books it was I wanted to buy. Therefore, I have to resort to stealing books from my friends then never returning them. Then I constantly feel terrible for never returning them. It is a horrible system. But, the fact remains that I miss books. I want to read more books, actual ones, with pages.

Resolution: Read more actual books.

In her blog, I Thought This Would Be Easier (didn’t we all?) Jamie describes going to Recycled Books and Barnes and Noble with her birthday book budget. She comes out of this with pictures of books that look like I could love them. There is a humor book about the bible, one about the cosmos, and a book about science experiments. I wonder if the book about science experiments will be like all the recipe books I read and never actually implement. There is also a book about the sexy bits of history and a tour of the 10th dimension. I have never heard of the 10th dimension, but I like the idea of it.

Don’t go to her actual blog though. Here is the URL so you will know where not to go: I would hate for you to stumble upon it by accident. Her blog is way nicer than this one. It has beautiful swirly things all over it. I wish I had beautiful swirly things. Maybe I should get an actual real URL first though, before I start worrying about swirly things.

Resolution: Get a real URL for the blog.

I should note here this I stole this title from Lucy’s Football blog. She got it from Ranier Maria Rike. I thought it sounded nice.

Resolution: Steal more things that sound nice for my own benefit and to make me look smarter.

I also want to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s again. I need to buy it, I guess, on a DVD. Do people still do that? Maybe I should see if they have it on NetFlix, or iTunes. Do people still buy DVDs? Damn. I feel old. Maybe I can watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s during my @lucysfootball vodka night. She never actually agreed to a vodka night, but why wouldn’t she? What could go wrong with that?

Resolution: Figure out how to buy a movie. Then watch it.

So, my resolutions for the New Year include buying a movie, drinking more vodka, being less nice to children, reading actual books with pages, getting a real URL for the blog, and stealing more. I think this turned out rather well.


About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

13 Responses to The new year: full of things that have never been

  1. elaine4queen says:

    so what you need to do is livetweet breakfast at tiffany’s while drinking this vodka that sounds like it may be the very food of the gods at the same time as @lucysfootball. this all seems quite manageable, though you mention CHILDREN and would i be right in saying a time difference?

    i really don’t get time differences. i would make a very poor master of the universe.

    however, what i can do is repel children. having been a teacher i perfected a look of scorn. i can testify that this works on random annoying children, since i used it instead of asking some parents to reel their kids in. worked a treat. obviously, the wind could change, but *meh* what if it does?

  2. lahikmajoe says:

    This is great Lisa. You’ve given me some brilliant ideas.

    For example, if I don’t know what to blog about, just take someone else’s blog idea. Then run with it.

    I had a really funny thought recently, and I wonder what you think of it. Many of us bloggers are a bit introverted (not Amy over at Lucy’s Football, she’s clearly extroverted) and we let ourselves really shine here in this format.

    My suspicion is that with your closest friends you’re not quite so introverted, but on twitter or here you talk about wanting to be left alone. It’s something I deal with in real life, as well.

    So my thought was: wouldn’t it be funny if two of this sort of blogger got together and realised it was much easier to express one’s self in blog form? So my picture is of the two bloggers meeting, trying valiantly to actually talk to each other and eventually sitting side by side while each of them typed away furiously on his/her device.

    No idea if that picture is as funny to you as it is to me, but I’m sure I’ll be blogging about it soon enough.

    • MsDarkstar says:

      I’ve actually met some bloggers in real life and almost none of them are anything like you would imagine from reading their blogs. I’m never sure whether to take it as a compliment when someone says “You’re just like I imagined from reading your blog”..

      • lgalaviz says:

        I’m trying to imagine you now, so that if I meet you in person, I will know what to tell you. I keep envisioning you at the Galleria demanding to know where the Teavana tea-hippies are keeping the monkeys.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I am pretty good about pretending to be social. But I like the idea of just hanging out and typing. The pressure of generating constant chatter would be alleviated to some extent through a common goal. We could also have snacks.

  3. MsDarkstar says:

    I rather like the idea of vodka flavored whipped cream… I’ll have to work on that. Then I can put it on things like chocolate cake without sauerkraut in it. I also like the idea of tea flavored vodka…though I am not sure if you serve that in a teacup or a shot glass. Again, apparently more research is needed. Also, I say we just invite @lucysfootball to Texas and then we can all drink whipped cream flavored vodka & eat vodka flavored whipped cream on Chocolate cake and do vodka-tea shots. Antioxidant AND Intoxicating!

  4. JamieRene says:

    I am so overwhelmed and overjoyed!! So I am reverting to “ADD Management 101” and making you a list:

    (A) I don’t have babies yet, but I do have dogs with intrusive noses, paws, and barking – they don’t have slides at the dog park, but you are much more creative on the diversion front than I am, so please Jedi master, what should I do??

    (B) WHIPPED CREAM FLAVORED VODKA!?!?! I’m drooling slightly…It’s like a shortcut to Nirvana!! Someone should tell the Buddhists about this amazing time-saver (also, based on my experience (experiments?), you can create a vodka to body ratio that induces almost instant meditation- I’m thinking efficiency’s where it’s at in 2012)

    (C) I am so utterly flattered that my blog is mentioned on your blog, huge hug to you! And I will be more than thrilled to provide book-club like commentary on all the bday readings – or maybe just start a book club called “The 10th Dimension”? I think I’m about to go off on a tangent, must regroup…I love that you love the swirlyshines on my page (as I call them) and am so super stoked that someone feels the same way about them that I do =D

    (D) Breakfast at Tiffany’s is in my TOP 5 Movies of All Time!! If you ever feel like randomly blurting out quotes or singing Moon River, look me up, I will fully rock out with you

    (E) I think your resolutions kick ass. And I cannot WAIT to read the related blog posts throughout the year!!

    • lgalaviz says:

      A. What kind of ghetto dog park is this with no slides? Slides are my go-to diversion. I can’t help you.

      B. Upon further reflection, I am a little concerned about this whipped cream flavored vodka. How can you tell if the cream has been actually whipped?

      C. I am very much looking forward to the book-club like commentary. I will try to avoid becoming entranced by the swirlyshines in order to read it.

      D. Good news on the Breakfast at Tiffany’s front… it is available in Instant Queue on NetFlix. Now all I have to do is find time to watch it. I will totally be randomly blurting out quotes.

      E. Thank you very much!

      • JamieRene says:

        Come to think of it, our dog park IS GHETTO – There’s just grass and a fence!! I’ll be googling who to bitch at down at City Hall…
        Also, thought of your Whipped Cream Vodka when I had a Marshmallow-Flavored Coffee last night. Umm, marriage made in heaven??
        And thanks so much for the blog mention. For reals. I had the highest blog-hit day since I started writing. Using my new favorite adjective: You are amazeballs my bloggy friend =)

  5. The whipped-cream flavored vodka is a thing. And I’ve actually had it. It was in a drink that tasted like a creamsicle, but then also got you drunk. It might have been one of the most perfect things I’ve ever imbibed in my life.

    I’m completely down for ruling the internet at any time. Also for drinking.

    And @lahikmajoe, it’s funny that you think I’m an extrovert. It depends on the day. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I hide under tables. That sounds like an exaggeration, but I assure you it happened, and recently.

  6. Pingback: My dog is an ass. Adorable. But an ass. « I Thought This Would Be Easier

  7. a says:

    Someday, I’m going to have to work at work, instead of following links all over the internet. Do you think I should make that a resolution, or could you resolve to add fewer links to aid in my continued employment?

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