How to Win at Christmas

Here are the things I perceive people doing at Christmas time. If you do these things, you are winning at Christmas.

Path A

1. Prepare and distribute cookies. @lucysfootball has several tried and true recipes and many family favorites. There are also books with recipes in them and well as eight billion recipes online. If you are choosing the online recipes, you should probably give yourself a week or two to sort through them. I’m sure there are lots of Food Network people baking cookies. You could spend a month or two watching those shows on your DVR. I would just go to Lucy’s Football: C is for Cookie and see which ones she is making though. That seems like the simplest approach.  You will also need to place cookies in some sort of container to distribute them to friends, co-workers and family.

2. Take a professional picture of you and your family doing various things and make it into a card with some sort of holiday greeting. A lesser alternative to this is buying some cards with doves on them and the word “Peace.” Although I don’t know why.

This is an actual card I received.

Doves don’t seem all that peaceful always flapping around. Plus, people hunt them here in Texas. Shooting at things gives us a reason to own the guns, but I digress. You will now need to address all your cards to people you know, apply stamps, and mail them. If you are me, you won’t have all the addresses, or the stamps, but you aren’t me so I’m sure everything will be fine.

3. Go shopping months in advance, buy items, then stash them away in a safe location to wrap and dole out at Christmas. If you are me, you will forget you bought the thing, and wonder about it a decade later when you finally clean out the hall closet, but you aren’t me. So you will be fine.

4. Get your kid’s picture taken with Santa. If you are me, you never do this because you realize you will have to stand in line at the mall. And also, you will have to go to the mall. Of course, this is Texas. @whoremongers informed me that you can go to a hunting goods store and the line for Santa isn’t nearly as long. Also, there are actual reindeer. Stuffed, of course. Taxidermy performed by elves, I assume.

5. Wear a Christmas sweater or sweatshirt with bells and/or snowmen.

Of course, if you choose to win at Christmas by doing these things, you will need a huge head start. Actually, you should have read this and started your preparations about two months ago. Sorry.

Path B

1. Don’t make cookies. @lucysfootball has some serious cookies injuries. You must avoid injuring yourself during the holiday season at all costs. Take that container of hard candies and nuts your neighbor left on your front porch to the office instead. It is much safer… for you at least.

Actual hard candies I received from my neighbor. Note how they are all sticking together.

2. Don’t even pretend to have the intention of sending cards. Definitely don’t buy a box of them at the store. You will be able to never hunt down all the addresses. Plus, where are you going to find stamps these days? Everyone pays all their bills online now. Do stamps even exist?

3. Shop only for the people you will actually see at Christmas time. Out of sight, out of mind. This will save you a ton on shipping costs. Also, don’t go anywhere to shop in person. Buy everything online. You can track it from the comfort of your computer desk rather than trying to find parking at the mall. No shops will be safe to go into for the entire month of December anyway. It is best stay home from November to January. If you need to, feel free to dip into the supply of creamed corn you have stashed away for zombie apocalypse.

4. Skip the visit with Santa. My kid thinks Santa has telepathy. He doesn’t need to see Santa, or write a letter. Somehow, right after he tells us what he wants for Christmas, Santa figures it out. Of course, this year Santa is having trouble finding certain Pokémon toy that seems to be more of a collector’s item then an actual toy, but that is what Santa gets for not checking in on the situation sooner.

5. Don’t bother with the snowman attire, just wear red. Red is plenty festive enough. If you don’t have red, wear black. Black is the new everything.

If you don't have black, try this shirt. It declares your festive intentions so you don't have to.

Whichever path you choose for your celebration, or lack thereof, I hope this time of year finds you well.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

22 Responses to How to Win at Christmas

  1. I think I’ll choose Path B, as our oven isn’t working and we won’t be able to cook or bake anything for Christmas.

    Also because I’m really lazy.

  2. elaine4queen says:

    zombie apocalypse.

    it’s at times like these that i am glad my family were mormons throughout my teens.
    and at no other times.

    we may be having nail soup for xmas dinner, but there’ll be plenty of it, and we won’t have to leave the house til the all clear sounds in march.

  3. jbrown3079 says:

    I am mailing pictures of @lucysfootball cookies to people on my list. With a note that says Wish you were here to share these.

    I took my grandson to see Santa. Santa can spot a 9 month old beard puller a mile away. So we were done fast.

    The movers played a great Christmas trick on us. A box clearly marked wrapping paper had absolutely none in it. So, kudos to them.

    I think we are wrestling Christmas to a draw here.

    Thankfully, I can read this wonderful blog.
    And may all your Christmases be calm. Because we don’t need the snow, do we?

    • lgalaviz says:

      We definitely don’t need the snow. Or the drama. May all your Christmases be calm.

      So, was there anything in the box remotely resembling wrapping paper? How does one come up with that as a label?

      • jbrown3079 says:

        There were shirt boxes but no wrapping paper. We also have wise men but no manger for them to arrive at. All the singing and dancing Santas gone. The movers really hate the holidays. And lampshades. They broke four.

  4. Joules says:

    I knew that you would be the one to school me on how to win at Christmas. I knew this because you taught me how to win at Thanksgiving(ie avoid as much human contact as possible).

    But, unfortunately, this came two months too late to prep for Type A Christmas and too late to not do any prep at all(ie Type B Christmas).

    Fortunately, I am mad prepared for next year. Unfortunately, I will likely not remember that I have the guideline for success in my starred folder. I kindly request that some sort of remembering process be put into place for those of us squarely inside the Type B camp. Probably put into effect by those Type A bastards.

  5. MsDarkstar says:

    Ok, well… of both of the paths it seems the one thing I have down is wearing black. Which I do every day. Because it saves me from having to make any decisions that might even remotely be related to fashion. I totally fail at fashion. Even worse than I fail at Christmas.

    I have cards. I buy cards every year. As a result, I have 6 or 7 boxes of cards that I’ve never sent out to anyone. Because everyone I like is on the Internet and I don’t have actual snail mail addresses for them. (Which I am pretty sure is because people, like… Lisa (for example) would really rather not let me know where they live.. or work…) Meanwhile, I freely distribute my mailing address because I love getting cards and having the illusion (delusion) I am beloved.

    The only problem with baking is that then you have all those cookies. And I live alone. And don’t want to get into a situation where they have to take the roof off my house and lift me out with a crane because I spent weeks eating all the cookies I baked and washing them down with eggnog (and tea… because I’m pretty sure if you eat alot of cookies, the oxidants build up in your body and… DEATH TO OXIDANTS!!) and then gain a bunch of weight and can’t wedge yourself out of the door. Don’t look at me like that, I see that stuff in the tabloids every darn day and they couldn’t print it if it wasn’t true, right?

    Santa Claus is pretty much a Christmas Clown who lives at the mall (so…REALLY SCARY) and if I go to the mall then the Teavana people are going to waft tea at me and I already have tins and bushel baskets full of tea but I get mesmerized by the alluring aromas and tantalizing tastes of tea samples. Plus, going to the mall makes me sad because I’ve still been unable to locate and procure a tea monkey.

    So, can I get the “Festive” t-shirt in black??

    • Lahikmajoe says:

      You know, it won’t surprise you that I say this, but the only conceivable way to eat all those cookies is with prodigious amounts of tea.

      Wafting tea leaves or not.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I don’t know why I didn’t think to make the festive shirt in black. It is almost a requirement. Black is a very flattering color. Especially for people like me who tend to spill things on their clothing. It is the most stain resistant of all the colors.

      Wouldn’t it be funny to grab a phone book (they still have those, right?) and randomly address the cards to people you don’t even know?

  6. blogginglily says:

    Oooh! I LIKE that Festive tshirt!

  7. a says:

    My girl will not go near Santa – this year, we didn’t even bother going to the mall at all. She’s 5 and has yet to take a picture with Santa. I’m sure this will come up in therapy later.

    I opted for Plan B this year – I usually bake cookies for the neighbors, but I’m just too lazy this year. I’m thinking I may be able to bake some bread and cupcakes, which are also delicious although less Christmasy. Whatever.

  8. I ended up with a lot of extra cookies. I might have overestimated this year. I should have some sort of cookie lottery. Maybe I could make some money from this to go toward my injuries.

    My grandmother puts out those type of candies every year. I’m pretty sure they’re the same ones, actually. No one ever touches them. It’s a very cost-effective treat, as the same bowl of candy has lasted at least two decades. Once, my young cousin tried to take one, and every candy in the bowl came with it. Just a whole gigantic ball-like clump of sticky candy. I gave her a crazy-eyed “no no no” look from across the room and indicated that she should take something to snack on baked in this decade instead. I like to think I saved her life that day.

  9. Edwin Drooooooood says:

    I go to the import store and buy German Christmas cookies and “Lebkuchen”! YUM!!!

  10. Lahikmajoe says:

    You can get your photo with Santa at a gun shop? Really?

    That’s the only comment I want to make at this time. That’s really enough for me to think about.

  11. Lahikmajoe says:

    Gifts only for people you can see? Well, what about blind people? They’re always off the hook in your scenario.

    And it’s actually rather nice that Santa has telepathy. Really, that makes the whole ordeal just a bit easier. A bit.

    I used to have a sweater that my mother had knitted in very vibrant red & white. The pattern made it look like there were red arrows pointing *down south*. I’m amazed that sweater never got me arrested.

    That sweater was no problem with blind folks, though. Not a bit.

  12. Blogdramedy says:

    Thanks for clearing this up for me. Now I can really get into the holiday spirit(s). 😉

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