How to Improve your Karma

If you have not read Good at Heart, @lahikmajoe’s post on his new non-tea blog about obnoxious Americans, I suggest you do so immediately. I should note that @lahikmajoe insists that the post was NOT about obnoxious Americans, but a quest into the human soul. His goal of writing the post was to ask the question of how people combine their rude behavior with the self-created story of their own inherent decency. However, all I heard was the part about obnoxious Americans ruining a Wilco concert in Munich.

I have a story of my own. It is about obnoxious tea drinkers. You see, I was at a venue very similar to a Wilco concert. There were, of course, a few minor differences. Instead of a concert, it was a tour of the Natural Bridge Caverns. Instead of a band, there was a college kid with a microphone. I am trying to learn about cave formations and these tea people were running around all hopped up on anti-oxidants and ruining the whole experience for me. Among them was a bearded fellow with an orange tea flask. He was clearly their leader, urging them on to take over the caverns in the name of Oolong monkeys.

Okay fine. That didn’t happen. Actually, there was a large group of Asian people who kept holding up our progress through the cavern by constantly stopping to take pictures, of EVERYTHING. They were also talking during the entire tour so that I could barely hear the college kid telling us the difference between stalactites and stalagmites. Now I will never be a geologist. Is discussing that picture you just took of a rock really more important than my future geology career? Is it ??

Some of you saw this one coming.

Rude behavior is like truck balls, really. These guys don’t think twice about how I would rather not be stuck in traffic looking at the ball sacs they have carefully centered at the rear of their pick-ups. It is clearly all about them and their desire to prove they have huge balls. Or to prove that their truck has huge balls. Really, in proportion to the truck, these balls are rather on the small side. Maybe one day, when I meet one of these truck ball people, I will point this out to them. I am sure they will appreciate a little constructive criticism.

Looking at this from another angle, there are times when I am probably rude and don’t realize it. Or possibly that I am rude and don’t care. Let’s take shopping, for instance. Since I work during the week, I use the weekend to acquire supplies for my family.  In the hunter-gatherer days, I would have been out picking berries and hauling water around in some sort of animal bladder, but in this timeframe, it means a trip to Wal-Mart.

I have the layout of every Wal-Mart in this vicinity memorized. I carefully order my shopping list and divide it into sections (produce, canned goods, dairy) so I can go through the store as quickly as possible. I know the exact brands of toilet paper, cereal, yogurt, and laundry detergent we require. I can locate and grab these items from the shelves in a matter of seconds. I am a shopping machine.

The only problem with this scenario is that everyone in The Wal-Mart insists on standing directly in my way. There is no need to stand right there in front of the toilet paper like you are perplexed by it. There are no cryptic messages incorporated in that cartoon bear, just put it in your cart, or not, and GET MOVING. And when I say move, let’s all be moving at a rapid clip, and not creeping along in the middle of the aisle. Also, I don’t care if you are eighty, get that damn motorized cart you are sitting in out of my way. As you can see, I am probably not very well-liked in the cereal aisle.

So, back to the obnoxious Americans, Lahikmajoe seems to think that despite their rude behavior, these people deem themselves to be good, playing the role of hero in their own story. I beg to differ. You see, @whoremongers loaned me this book called Assholes Finish First. The ‘author’ of this book, Tucker Max, plows through life with no regard for other people. He cruelly makes fun of everyone he doesn’t deem worthy enough to have sex with or get drunk with. He does, however, end up hung over in jail cleaning his own vomit from the floor.  No matter how many people I am rude to at Wal-Mart, I have never found myself in this situation.

In Lahikmajoe’s blog post, the guy acting like a jerk suddenly realizes he is about to miss his train and has to beg some people to let him have their cab. @jbrown3079 attributes this to Karma: “You get what you give sometimes.” Personally, I am glad @jbrown3079 brings the concept of Karma into the discussion. Lucky for me, I can now be as rude to people in Wal-Mart as I want. Thanks to my friend @heinakroon, I have an inside track on this Karma thing. In fact, I get to be reincarnated as anything I choose. I am choosing octopus, by the way. Life is shorter and you don’t have to brush your teeth. Imagine a life without plaque! My next life is going to be awesome. In the meantime, back to this one.

While you are all waiting to be reincarnated as octopi, allow me to help you a bit with your Karma by way of t-shirts.

This shirt is for those of you who are unintentionally obnoxious but genuinely good at heart.

 

 

@jbrown3079 has a good point. Where are my manners?

 

This shirt is for those of you plowing through life with no regard for others. By wearing the shirt, you will alert people to move out of your vicinity, thus reducing the total number of people you treat badly, therefore improving your karma. I guarantee this will increase your Karma by at least 35%. Of course, there is no way of proving my claim, so you will just have to trust me. Also, I will give you extra Karma if you will go take those damn balls off your truck. Thanks.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

20 Responses to How to Improve your Karma

  1. shoutabyss says:

    I think people with these adornments are doing a great public service. Note the size of the truck. Note addition of the “truck balls.” As Freud might ask, “Compensate much?”

    “I like big things. The size of them impresses me.” ‘Nuff said. Gotcha!

    Assholes Finish First has got to be one of the most accurate book titles of all time. You see, what he did there was take a common phrase (nice guys finish last) and do some clever extrapolation. D’oh! It seems so obvious now.

    • lgalaviz says:

      I too have spent time pondering the title of this book. The guy himself doesn’t seem that clever. I’ll bet his publisher thought of the title. The actual author would have probably called it, “Crap I did” or something equally endearing.

  2. Debihen says:

    When I started to read this I was hoping it would include plastic ball sac references. Imagine how thrilled I was to also see pictures of my favorite ridiculous truck accessory ( followed closely be the chrome naked ladies and the Yosemite Sam mudflaps). Well done, and might I add, octopus is an interesting choice, but after reading your reason for picking it I can only say “Bravo”.

  3. a says:

    Following my vacation post regarding a trip to Crystal Cave in Sequoia National Forest, I was treated to the following valuable maxim regarding the difference between stalactites and stalagmites: Tits hang down. Therefore, the stalactites are the ones hanging from the ceilings. Also, stalagmites look like stone dildoes when they’ve been forming for a couple hundred years. The internet is a wonderful place, isn’t it?

  4. jbrown3079 says:

    I need that 2nd t-shirt. I watched a couple argue about which offer was the better bargain. Three 12paks of pop for 12 dollars or a case of 24 for 6.99. Just so I don’t have to wait for you to do the math, the answer is the case of 24.

    It is depressing to see how the ability to do simple things can elude people. Manners as well need work. I am going to try to help here. My t-shirt will say ,”please get the hell out of my way”

  5. lahikmajoe says:

    There are so many things I want to say, but the first is that I almost wanted you to go on about the ‘obnoxious tea drinkers’ and specifically the ‘bearded fellow with an orange tea flask’. That sounds like a great story.

    You know, this little band of bloggers does such a good job of making light of the absurdities of life, and I was a bit concerned that my rather serious topic (I thought potentially too much so) might be horribly out of place.

    I’m very touched that you pulled it into your realm and gave it *the business*. It’s a pleasure to be one of the tribe, as it were.

  6. Any post that refer to the old hunter-gatherer days is automatically a brilliant post. By mentioning octopuses you made it even better. I also appreciate being seen as an authority on reincarnation – especially as it’s my pet hate subject (and a recurring nightmare).

    • lgalaviz says:

      Have you checked your Klout lately? Reincarnation is probably right up there with typos. This always seems to happen to you.

      • lahikmajoe says:

        The entire Klout thing is truly surreal. So many people are offended by the topics in which they’re influential, but the ridiculous topics are the *whole point* of Klout.

        That’s what makes the world go round.

  7. Also, your way of describing how you shop at Wal-mart’s is an almost exact replica of what I do when shopping at Tesco’s! I’m convinced we’re really twins that were secretly separated at birth and sent to different continents, because otherwise the world wouldn’t be able to deal with our combined AWESOMENESS!

    You’re welcome, world.

  8. MsDarkstar says:

    Ok, I am pretty sure that anyone carrying a flask is not carrying tea in it. But then I think about the people who work at Teavana and maybe working with tea monkeys does something to your brain so that anything you drink besides tea ends up tasting like monkey whizz. But then you would think that alcohol would overcome the monkey whizz taste unless it was a banana alcohol because I am pretty sure that monkey whizz would have a banana undertone to it. Lord help me if on Klout I all of a sudden start coming up as an expert in “monkey whizz”. I am pretty certain that it is not something I want to be an expert in. In fact, I find myself regretting thinking about it at all.

    I have noticed that Truck Nuts seem to be installed on vehicles I refer to as “so sorry about your penis” vehicles. Meaning that when I see one of those monstrosities, Truck Nuts or no, I automatically assume the driver is trying to compensate for a less than adequate package in his pants. I have yet to meet someone who drives one of those beasts that strikes me as someone I’d like to get biblically familiar with.

    I will have to contemplate the wisdom of being reincarnated as an octopus. Somehow, the thought of perhaps ending up on a Japanese dinner plate beside a seaweed salad seems less than optimal. But perhaps a good strong pot of chai maté (not to be mistaken for real tea but perhaps with antioxidants nonetheless) will clear my head and help me see the light.

  9. Joules says:

    I am starting a ballot for a Fucking Balls shirt as a companion shirt to the real life Fucking Bells shirt. The back of the shirt should read – Get Tough, Grow A Vagina.

  10. Blogdramedy says:

    Tell me that the name of the guy who drives that truck is Dick. 🙂

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