How NOT to Make T-Shirts on Zazzle

Does everybody remember when @Handflapper won the How to be funny on Twitter contest hands down? Well, the prize for that contest was a virtual t-shirt, which @Handflapper immediately stated she was going to WEAR. I was a little concerned about how someone would wear an imaginary t-shirt, but I live pretty far away from @Handflapper, so I figured the situation was indisputably out of my hands. Then, to my complete surprise and delight, @Handflapper created an actual t-shirt, with “Fucking Bells” in bold print, and wore it… in public! Here is my proof:

FUCKING BELLS, motherfuckers. It’s the new “Happy Holidays.”

So when @0Brenna0 said, “You really need to open a Zazzle store to sell your T-shirts for real,” I had to take pause. People have told me several times in the past that the shirts should really exist. I usually tell these people that no one is going to shop for, purchase, and then wear a shirt with absurdities written all over it in black letters. Clearly, I was wrong.

So, with @0Brenna0’s support, I go over to Zazzle to make a t-shirt. The Zazzle homepage immediately presents me with some compelling reasons to join their site. The first of which is that they are free. Good start, Zazzle. They are also the “ideal way to showcase my artistic presence.” Awesome! Zazzle thinks I have “artistic presence.” This is almost as good as how I got that WordPress site! I click the “Sign Up” button sitting under bold letters which read, “Start making money today!” I look at my computer wondering where the money will start pouring out. The CD-ROM drive seems the most logical place.

Getting started at this stuff is never as simple as they make it out to be. The first thing they want me to do before pouring money into my CD-ROM drive is to pick out a store name. I have learned from starting Twitter and making a blog, that thinking of a name is the most important thing. Name selection may be the most important thing, but right now it is the main obstacle in getting this t-shirt made before for my attention span fades.

I know this name has to be memorable, descriptive, and easy to type. “Fucking Bells” comes readily to mind. But surprisingly, it is unavailable. Could it be taken? What person on this planet would wear an entire “Fucking Bell” clothing line? Oh yeah, we have already established that.

I tell @0Brenna0 that my first name choice is unavailable. She is equally dismayed: “No way. Maybe it’s not available in a, ‘You can’t use swear words in your store name, you idiot’ kind of way.” Now THIS makes total sense. That is why if you don’t have someone like @0Brenna0 in your life, you need to go to Twitter and follow her immediately. If you are not already on Twitter, you need to go to Twitter, start an account, pick a meaningful username that is easy to remember and doesn’t take up a lot of characters… forget it. Let’s go on.

In the meantime, @ocean1blue has suggested the alternate names, “Fucking Store” and “Buy Something, Dammit.” Since @0Brenna0 found the flaw in using curse words as store titles, these suggestions are useless. And besides, I am pretty sure “Buy Something Dammit” would be gone all the same. That name is a gem!

I finally decide on “Helping Shirts.” I am after all, providing a valuable service. I try to get “Helping Shits” as well, in case someone makes a typo, but it proves to be unavailable. Either @0Brenna0 is right about the curse word theory, or someone has cherry picked all the really good store names.

Now that I have a valid store name, I am finally in Zazzle. It is amazing what they have in there that you can print curse words on. There are so many items waiting to be ruined by me writing words on them. They have binders! Think of all the ways you could inappropriately customize a binder! The possibilities are endless.

Realizing I am getting sidetracked, I decide to get right to the job at hand, making the t-shirt. I find the image size requirements, and type “Fucking Bells” in bold black font. –Wow, Zazzle was right, I DO have artistic presence!– Now I am ready to put this thing on a t-shirt. I select “T-shirt” and the entire light colored product line. Three seconds later, much to my horror, I am confronted with THIS:

I had NO IDEA I was designing “Fucking Bells” children’s wear!  Despite the fact that I am shocked at my new line of children’s clothing, I decide Twitter has to see this. I take a screenshot and post it, along with a statement about my angst in a designing a “Fucking Bells” onsie for babies.

@0Brenna0 takes this all in stride. Despite the baby smiling up at us while wearing the word ‘fuck’ in bold print, @0Brenna0 is very supportive, telling me that the “looks on the models faces paired with those shirts are just perfect. The young girl looks sheepish, the boy pissed off. Perfect!” She does show some concern about the onsie, admitting, “I’m pretty sure a parent dressing their kid in that might be investigated.”

In the meantime, I am wondering why they are showing the baby there in the first place. How do you know you won’t get an entire baby along with the onsie? Just when I am convinced Zazzle is cloning children, @Handflapper gets wind of my project, posting: “I am so excited about this Zazzle site my stomach hurts and I might have diarrhea.”**

Now I am appalled that not only is Zazzle cloning children, but I am promoting purchase of said children. To make matters worse, not only am I asking that people go to Zazzle buy cloned babies, but cloned babies with obscentites on their onsies. I immediately tell @Handflapper to cease and desist her support of my product line, “NO! Don’t promote this! I think they are making babies along with the shirts! There is no other explanation.”

@Handflapper realizes the gravity of the situation immediately and begins yelling, “Abort! Abort!” Not the babies, of course, but the Zazzle site. The problem is that I live in Texas, and you can’t go around yelling abort anywhere near the topic of babies. Everyone is hugely against aborting anything here, and they also all have guns. They will save the babies, but they will take you out no problem, so watch yourself. Unless, of course, you are a baby, then you are in the clear. I am not sure how long it is after you are born when it is okay to shoot you. There is probably some guideline that comes with the gun.

So that is how I almost died making cloned babies on Zazzle. Here is my proof:

Who needs 24 hours to make a t-shirt? They are going to send you the ENTIRE baby, people. Mark my words.

If you want to go to my Zazzle Store, knock yourself out: My Zazzle Store – Helping Shirts. Just be aware that there are babies in there wearing some questionable onsies. Sure, Zazzle might only send you the outfit and not an entire cloned baby, but putting this clothing on a child could definitely land you on a Child Protective Services watch list.

If you feel like shopping at Zazzle without being offended, @0Brenna0 has a Zazzle Store where babies are not wearing obscene onsies. You will like it much better over there.

** Please do not worry about developing intestinal issues while visiting Zazzle. It is possible these are symptoms of eating bad pasta and not Zazzle store side effects.

Side Note:  At first I couldn’t see the shirts on Zazzle, and I was very distraught about this. Also distressing was the fact there no money seemed to be falling out of the CD-ROM drive. I looked under the desk and everything. There is, however, an explanation. Apparently the fact that Zazzle declared my holiday line of t-shirts to be rated R means that you can only see them if you start an account and click the ‘Porn’ setting.

To remedy the appearance of an empty store, I will be getting a line of cute kitten t-shirts online immediately. This action will simultaneously cause money to commence falling out of CD-ROM drive. Problem solved.

Side Note: Does anyone have a picture of kittens I can borrow? Preferably cute.

About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

16 Responses to How NOT to Make T-Shirts on Zazzle

  1. Handflapper says:

    FUCKING BRILLIANT. I am thrilled to have had some small part in your new business venture. You owe me lots of drinks.

  2. Ach! I went to your shop and all it said was: “Sorry, no products found.” That’s not very commercially aware, is it? How am I supposed to purchase obscenities if there are none available?

    • lgalaviz says:

      I think it may be because the shirts are Rated R. I couldn’t see them at first either. I had to go reset my account as if I were looking for porn. Because of this, I may not be able to reach my target audience. I can either tone it down with some kittens, or add more sex and violence. I am undecided as to the direction I should take.

  3. (I also now have a zazzle account. Those cunning bastards lured me in..)

  4. DogsDontPurr says:

    “They will save the babies, but they will take you out no problem, so watch yourself. Unless, of course, you are a baby, then you are in the clear. I am not sure how long it is after you are born when it is okay to shoot you. There is probably some guideline that comes with the gun.”

    OMG….you are killing me! That has got to be one of the most brilliant paragraphs ever written!

  5. lahikmajoe says:

    I am so excited about my stomach hurting and having diarrhea, I might go visit your Zazzle site.

  6. Maryann says:

    I have to agree: the stuff you write is BRILLIANT!!
    And HILARIOUS, and PAIN-INDUCING!! (Yes, I’m pretty sure you have caused me actual pain by being so funny!!) Keep it up!!

  7. Em says:

    My son is getting married in August. I think a baby wearing a Fucking Bells t-shirt would be the perfect wedding present.

    This is soooo awesome.

    Also, I loved the whole Texas/gun/abort conundrum. I have often wondered when exactly that line gets crossed myself.

  8. Brenna says:

    I’m honored to have played a part in the awesomeness that is this blog!

  9. thebakerbee says:

    I was kind of wondering why you hadn’t done Zazzle already. Awesomes.

  10. Brenna says:

    Look! I blogged about you blogging about me! I’m afraid I’ve caused some sort of wrinkle in time.

  11. Duncan says:

    You should totally have a shirt that says “No Products Found”! 🙂

  12. Frank Grayson says:

    I was reading your post and thought it was pretty funny… until you went into your anti-gun, anti-life rant.

    You may be interested to know(or maybe you wouldn’t, who knows?!) that just because you own a gun, doesn’t mean you go around shooting people. You can’t believe everything you see on tv, or anything on MSNBC.

  13. Frank Grayson says:

    BTW, I stopped reading your article after your rant.
    I guess you could do an article on “How NOT to keep readers reading your articles on WordPress.”

  14. Pingback: How NOT to keep readers reading your articles on WordPress | The Best Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever!

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