How not to be an asshat on Twitter – Lucy’s Football

The next t-shirt prize goes to Lucy’s Football for this invaluable Twitter Guideline: Rockin’ Robin went Tweet, Tweet, Tweet? Birds Have Internet or as I like to call it, How not to be an asshat on Twitter.

If you break these rules, @lucysfootball will personally hit you with a hammer. I actually went through the list doing each thing deliberately. You can imagine my distress when I got through the entire list and THEN found out about the hammer.  I am going to do you a favor and summarize all of the rules for you. You might consider going over and reading them for yourself though. @heinakroon has told me that sometimes I lack attention to detail.

  1. No spamming. I thought I would be really good at not spamming. However, I just found out from WordPress that if I keep putting people in my blogs all the time and then asking them to go look, that it basically amounts to spamming. I don’t think WordPress understands that this is the only way I can get @lahikmajoe to read my blog. He always seems to be out on trains with the madmen.
  2. You have a limit of 7 RT’s, so watch your step. Unless, of course, @lucysfootball finds them entertaining. Then you have a pass. I suggest you check with her immediately upon RT so you know how many you still have.
  3. Don’t get drunk on Twitter. Or don’t get drunk and erase your tweets. Or don’t say you are getting drunk if you aren’t. I am a little hazy on this one as I was drinking.
  4. Ashton Kutcher is going to quit the Internet and give away eleven billion followers. I don’t know about you guys, but I want IN on this!
  5. Don’t say stupid things like, “I am listening to a song.” You should say interesting things, like what you are eating
  6. Don’t sell things on Twitter unless you have 64-pack of crayons you can trade for colanders. Or unless you and @edrafalko have started a banjo Etsy site with @SteveMartinToGo.
  7. Don’t make typos. For example, @heinakroon once said “Nuclear Pants” instead of “Nuclear Plants” and now he is winning at typos on Klout. So, everyone go give @heinakroon +K in typos. Do it now, I can wait.
  8. Don’t constantly tweet famous people as if they are your friends. However, I should add that I am exempt from this rule. @lucysfootball said that @SteveMartinToGo is going to follow me back any day now. Wait until I tell him he is in my blog! I’ll bet you can all hardly wait to be reading the same blog that Steve Martin is reading!
  9. Stop trying to get celebrity retweets. Again, @lucysfootball says this one does not apply to me. Especially since Steve Martin and I may or may not have that Etsy Banjo project down the line.
  10. Trolling people is not funny. That may be true, but making other people troll for you is freaking HILARIOUS! Right @blogginglily?

Now that I am at the end of the list again, I notice that no one is HITTING with the hammers, because the hammers are THROWN. And also, I notice that @lucysfootball gave me hammers to throw as well. This is awesome! Why am I hanging around here when I have hammers to throw?!?

Oh, before I gather up all my hammers and get out of here, @lucysfootball… here is your shirt. Wear it with pride.

You will save so much time by wearing this in not having to explain to people to not be asshats.

Actually, I had to give you more than one shirt. Three if you count “They’re YOUR friends, Jesus.” I am still totally stealing that. I don’t care what Neil Simon says.

I have hammers too, you know. Admittedly, I am a little apprehensive in throwing them.

If you don’t have to rush off anywhere, check out the Lucy’s Football (and friends) new web project:
The Loser’s Table: Sarcasm is an Art Form. Where she redefines crazy. Literally… I saw Webster taking notes.


About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

15 Responses to How not to be an asshat on Twitter – Lucy’s Football

  1. I am so excited about my shirts that I might retweet this eight times. Because I can. It’s about me. Also, I made the rules, so I can break them. I highly recommend making a list of rules to anyone who has a very famous WordPress blog. Because then you can feel free to break them, and also you can throw hammers at people who break them, or give out hammers to people you like. It’s really a win for you and a lose for everyone who sucks.

  2. Next time I accidentally catch a moment of a GOP Debate, I am going to imagine them all wearing “Don’t Be An Asshat” t-shirts.

    Do the celebrity rules apply to minor celebrities as well, or just the big ones? Is the Man vs. Food guy in the same category as Steve Martin, for example.

  3. Awesome! This is like the CliffNotes for Lucy’s Football’s great post (not that I would imply that she was rambling on and needed clarification or anything!).

    I really try to live by these rules but I occasionally find it difficult, especially rule #2. I’ve only just started retweeting and I find it exhilarating and useful if you want to bring other people in on a conversation. So I’m going to disregard the hammers and keep on retweeting!

    Also, I blame my phone’s autocorrect for my proficiency in tips. Damn it! *typos

  4. lahikmajoe says:

    WordPress certainly seems to be watching us more carefully over here.

    I’m sure Blogger knew what we were doing, but they didn’t ever get up in our business.

    Now I’m thinking of what I can do to get a warning from WordPress.

    • lgalaviz says:

      It was actually in an article I read that WordPress helpfully popped up after I had published something. Now I wish I had bookmarked it, because I have been looking all over and can’t find it again. It is crucial that we find this document so we will know specifically what to do to get warnings from WordPress.

  5. Debihen says:

    I need the second shirt for work. And wearing to the grocery store. And to the Drs office. Better get 7; one for every day of the week.

  6. Blogdramedy says:

    All this attention from WordPress. Isn’t it nice to know you’re being watched? 😉

  7. I am going to assume that none of these apply to me as I have broken almost all of them. I do like the idea of throwing hammers though. Perhaps I will do so in real life. In only an emergency situation, of course. Like someone totally pissing me off.

  8. Melinda says:

    LOL! I need a closet full of your shirts although deciding which one to wear would be a difficult decision because some people required two “clues” to what drives me crazy about them. 🙂 Your take on Twitter spam is hysterical!

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