Special Medical Alert: Surviving Hemorrhages

I went to the eye doctor last weekend. The doctor dilated my eyes, which I always find a little ironic because the dilation makes it almost impossible to see with your eyes. Seeing with my eyes is specifically the reason I go to the eye doctor. Therefore, I am actually paying a person to accomplish the opposite of my initial goal for seeing them. There are a lot of messed up things in the world I would like to fix, and I believe I would start somewhere around there.

Anyway, I’m blind and my dilated eyes look like I am in a Disney movie. The eye doctor, not satifisfied with this, is making me look to the right and the left while shining bright lights at me. I am trying to cooperate, even though I am beginning to suspect foul play, but I keep getting mixed up. To make matters worse, he keeps telling me your OTHER right and your OTHER left, like I am not doing it right just because I am deliberately looking the opposite way of what he says. I am getting pissed off because I just wanted more contact lenses and I didn’t know this appointment was supposed to be some sort of review on my knowledge of directions. He is already making me look at all these letters and numbers. I suppose next, he will be telling to look East and West.  Then, yelling at me, “NO! Your OTHER East.!”

Finally, he tells me that my retinas look good and that my eyes are NOT hemorrhaging internally. I had to double check on that last one, because when someone says the word hemorrhaging, I want to be clear. So I repeat to him, “You said I am NOT hemorrhaging from my eyes, right?”

That was fine and good. It is always good to find out you are NOT hemorrhaging. But, now I am overly worried about about hemorrhaging. What if I am hemorrhaging at this very moment? I can’t go back there every day to make sure my eyes are not hemorrhaging.  That would be odd.

Of course, I can’t be the only person in this situation. You too might be worried about your eyes suddenly hemorrhaging…. or anything else suddenly hemorrhaging, actually. I don’t know how many things there are on the human body just waiting to bust out into hemorrhaging, but there must be several.

While I am not a medical professional, I may have the solution.

Avoiding unnecessary hemorrhaging is simple and easy, with t-shirts from my blog.

This handy t-shirt will automatically cause the people around you to watch for hemorrhaging. If they observe any hemorrhaging, they are instructed to notify you so you do not die.

I should attach my blog to some news alert system. It is a public service, my blogging. The people promoting National Good Deed Day advised that when you do something altruistic, that it makes you feel better as a person. I must say they are right. Saving all of your lives right now has really made my day. You are so welcome!

P.S. Do I have to admit I only did it so you will be around to adore me? I don’t, do I? If you guys leave me, honestly… who ELSE is going to read this stuff??? Please don’t hemorrhage.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

14 Responses to Special Medical Alert: Surviving Hemorrhages

  1. lahikmajoe says:

    Hey, not only is there a *like* button over here on Word Press, but now that I have liked this post, there’s even an option to unlike it.

    Who came up with this stuff?

    Oh yeah, you and your eye test.

    I think it’s fantastic that you’re going for the whole altruism angle. And that you’re up front about an unnatural desire to please…that shows just the right amount of humanity.

    You’ve been reading more of those ‘how to blog’ sites, haven’t you?

  2. blogginglily says:

    I have to return to this one. I’m leaving work early today. . .

  3. Handflapper says:

    I’ve been trying really hard not to hemmorhage, but until I get the t-shirt, no promises.

  4. Shelia says:

    Ah, shit, now I’m worried about unintended eye hemorrhaging going on behind my back. (Is that physically possible?)

    Anyway. Here’s my medical story: I saw the doctor because of abdominal pains. Not the kind that sends you to the ER in the middle of the night and having you leaving minus one appendix. These were dull aches that wouldn’t go away, which were not excruciating but kept me from exercising, which caused me to not keep my weight in check, which made my clothes get too tight. And now we have an economic crisis. Still with me?

    Ok, so I get to the doctor and he pokes and prods and says he’s sending me to have an ultrasound to see if it’s gall bladder, and if it’s not, we’ll have to do more tests.

    So now I’m facing tests and possibly MORE tests … and I’m thinking how bad is living with a dull ache and no exercise … and I’m weighing all this medical attention against the cost of a new wardrobe.

    I’m telling you, healthcare in this country is really a bitch.

  5. What’s the deal with all this hemmorhaging, anyway? I thought blood was supposed to stay inside our veins? Isn’t that what a closed circulatory system is all about? Otherwise we might as well be crickets or dung beetles.

  6. Shelia says:

    Oh, by the way: Thanks for the good deed. Appreciate it.

  7. Lisa says:

    Okay. I actually want this T shirt really badly. Can I have it please? Every time I feel I sharp pain anywhere in my body I automatically think “oh my days, I’m haemorrhaging! Get an ambulance!” this will save me a lot of stress. Please post it to my address… Lisa, England, United Kingdom. They’ll know who to send it to.

  8. Gigi says:

    Well great!! I *wasn’t* worried about hemorrhaging until now!

  9. DogsDontPurr says:

    When my parents used to get into arguments, or us kids were freaking out about something, my dad’s favorite go-to phrases were: “Don’t have a hemorrhage!!!” or “You’re mother’s gonna have a hemorrhage when she hears about this!!!” etc.

    Thanks for bring back the memories!

  10. Maryann says:

    HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!
    >Please don’t hemorrhage.

    Once again, you rock!!

  11. blogginglily says:

    There has been too much eye-area-hemorrhaging in my life of late.

  12. Joshua says:

    Great shirt. I could have used it when my eyes hemorrhaged last time, though. I hate when that happens and no one tells me.

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