How to be funny on Twitter

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know how to be funny on Twitter.

For example,  @I_am_Just_Marc, writing me on Twitter to tell me that you left your phone at home is not funny. Even though I do know you in person, and it was a little funny that you left your phone and hence had to resort to communication through social media. I am sorry that I have to tell you this in my blog, but I left my phone in the other room.

Another example, is @AlexBlog93, who unfortunately, chose the wrong people to notify about his new political blog.  His writing was clean and he had some good points, but the whole thing was very serious, and very political, and just not very funny. However, we did make fun of him for spamming us. Also, Lahikmajoe Drinks Tea got some good tea blog material out of it (tea for the long slog of a campaign), but that guy can write a tea blog about ANYTHING.

Anyway, back to my point. It isn’t that hard to be funny on Twitter.  It helps if you pick a topic and go on and on about it. People really love this because it shows you are dedicated. For today’s topic, I will select the Salvation Army bell ringers.

For those of you who may not know, the Salvation Army is a charity. Every holiday season they send people out with red buckets and bells to stand in front of EVERY SINGLE store in the United States.  The idea is that the ringing bell will attract you to the bucket and convince you to place your spare change inside.

It isn’t even mid-November yet, and the bell people are ALREADY out there. Some of the bell ringers seem incredibly cranky, while others are good tempered. Some will even sing and dance to entertain the passers-by. There is no guarantee what type of person will be ringing the bell. The only guarantee is that the person will be there, and the bell will be annoyingly loud.

I will now give you some pointers for ranting about the bell ringers so you can begin being funny on Twitter immediately.

Technique 1. Overdramatize the situation. 

While bell noise may not literally be killing you, it is most likely diminishing the quality of your life in a crucial way.

The Salvation Army people are already out in force with the ringing bells and it is not even Thanksgiving yet. The plague of the holidays is upon us, making the air heavy with the sound of bells and pervasive cheer.

Technique 2. Use curse words.

Damn bell ringers.

Note that you don’t really have to make a point when you place a curse word appropriately.

Fucking bells.

See, the right word will do all the work for you.

Technique 3. Bring people in to support you.

I’ll bet @whoremongers wouldn’t put up with these stupid bell ringers.

Do people in Germany go around ringing bells, @lahikmajoe? I’ll bet they don’t.

Technique 4.  Threaten violence.

I couldn’t get past the Salvation Army bell ringer to get into Wal-Mart, so I stole the bell and the bucket and stomped on them and cursed. Small children were also crying which I pushed aside with indifference.

Note: I really just put in a quarter and the guy said ‘thanks,’ but this is NOT the type of thing that entertains people on Twitter. You should always go with the stomping.

Technique 5. Try Sarcasm.

It fills with me with Christmas joy to go CostCo and find the Salvation Army guys out there with the bells ringing.  Good thing I get my toilet paper in bulk.

Now that I am done, this list seems incomplete.  The person who comes up with the best, or the most, suggestions on how to be funny on the topic of Salvation Army and bells, will win the imaginary t-shirt below:

This shirt diminishes unsolicited holiday cheer and will automatically exempt you from most volunteer committees.

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

22 Responses to How to be funny on Twitter

  1. lahikmajoe says:

    You know, I know this is all helpful…but isn’t it sad that it has to be spelled out for some?

    Clearly, there are some people who see twitter specifically and social media generally as a platform to market their product. I get that and even grudgingly respect it.

    But this is a new frontier folks. Without even a semblance of a sense of humour, you’re lost in the desert. Without Quadaffi’s tent.

  2. Handflapper says:

    You forgot sex. Sex is always funny on twitter, as in “I gave the Salvation Army bell ringer a blow job because I was all out of change. I really rang his bell.”

    Now gimme my fucking t-shirt.

  3. Brenna says:

    Damn. Handflapper already won.

  4. Blogdramedy says:

    Man oh man…not fair. I’ll be bitchtweeting about this now. 😉

  5. Maryann says:

    Hilarious! The comments as well!! And I love this: “See, the right word will do all the work for you.” Hehehehe, indeed it will!!

    On a side note: sorry that my name said “mom” on my last comment. I tried to email you to tell you to delete it, but it bounced. Hopefully, this time I got that part of my name fixed. 🙂

  6. Yes! Like it! You’ve returned to “How-to”guides with a bang! Very useful and instructive!

    I don’t have a contribution for your competition, even though we suffer the same indignity here in the UK, but since Handflapper (deservedly) already won, it doesn’t really matter.

    I do however live two doors down from a couple of Salvation Army soldiers, and since they are alcoholics, comedy often occurs.

    Like that late Saturday night we got a visit from the police, asking if we had seen a Salvation Army uniform jacket. Apparently, the woman in the couple had hung out their uniforms to dry on the washing line, and now one of the jackets had gone missing! Convinced someone had sneaked into their garden and stolen it, she phoned the police. To be fair, the poor Bobby having to go door to door at 11 pm enquiring for stolen Salvation Army garments looked suitably embarrassed, but, it wasn’t until the morning after the whole mystery was solved: Our next door neighbour told us that she’d found a Salvation Army jacket lying in her garden, where it had probably blown from off the previously mentioned washing line. See? It’s all go here with our drunken Salvation Army neighbors!

    • lgalaviz says:

      The story would have been funnier if you had answered your door in the ill-gotten coat. Maybe you should start checking the yard once in a while for Salvation Army coats.

      • Think I might have to. (Although the jacket was actually found in our next door neighbours garden, not ours – you really need to start paying attention to those little details, Lisa!)

        Also, as I’m no medical professional, I can’t vouch for my diagnosis that the Salvation Army couple actually do suffer from alcoholism, but it certainly is funnier to think so..

      • lgalaviz says:

        Oh, I caught the details. I think you need to show a little more initiative in getting these jackets in order to entertain us with your escapades.

  7. shoutabyss says:

    Ah, hells bells. I just tell ’em I’m gay then they don’t want my money. If they doubt my veracity I show them my earring. Works like a charm! (God bless that thing.) If they still insist, then I just tell them I already gave to the Boy Scouts.

    Hella funny shirt and great post! And that’s coming from a fellow t-shirt designer. (Unpaid.)

  8. Pingback: This will not make any sense at all unless you read the whole thing, and everyone wants things to make sense, right? Well, actually, it still will not make much sense, but I never claimed to be sensible.

  9. Goddammit, I hate it when I miss contests.

    POUT

  10. Pingback: FUCKING BELLS, motherfuckers. It’s the new “Happy Holidays.”

  11. Pingback: The much-anticipated post-Thanksgiving post is finally here.

  12. Pingback: This will not make any sense at all unless you read the whole thing, and everyone wants things to make sense, right? Well, actually, it still will not make much sense, but I never claimed to be sensible.

  13. Art Plrang says:

    5 years late, still fun to read

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