Rapture Preparation

Is it just me, or is this Rapture Apocalypse not as good as the last one? I was shocked when @mylifelyrics sent out a reminder earlier this week that we had a Rapture scheduled for Friday, October 21, 2011. Why did I not hear about this sooner? The last Rapture Apocalypse was hyped up for months. I haven’t even seen any billboards for this one.

A good Rapture is like a movie, we need propaganda and previews, something to build the suspense. You’d think, given the feeble effort in promoting this Rapture that everyone had already spent all their money on billboards for the other Rapture. I found out today that no one has even scheduled a time! This is not how you run a Rapture, people! At the rate you are going, there might not even BE a Rapture.
The Naysayers: You are the problem with a good Rapture Apocalypse.

I find it disappointing that some of you show a certain lack of enthusiasm for Rapture related activities. @debihen states “The Rapture and killing crazed dictators have all been done before people. Do we not have ANY original thinkers out there?” Well, @debihen, the answer is NO. We will keep having Raptures until Zombie Apocalypse happens, so you might as well get used to it. However, we may be out of dictators to kill. I’m not sure.

Some of you aren’t even going to the Rapture! For example, @daralynnieloo says, “I’m not going because I’m sure there’s gonna be a ton of republicans and super Christians there.” You are right, @daralynnieloo, the place will likely be littered with them. Do you think the super-Christians will be getting capes? I wonder if it is too late to transfer over to that group.

@lahikmajoe is not helping matters. He is probably worried there is no loose-leaf tea in the afterlife.  He seems to think that the “last rapture really was the one to be remembered, wasn’t it? This one’s supposed to stay quite. Keep it down will you?” No, @lahikmajoe, I will NOT keep it down. A quiet Rapture is a boring one. Are we all just supposed to sit around while people are naked skydiving and demons are running around? I don’t think so. Oh, you haven’t heard about the naked skydiving option?

In case you are unaware, @larwe will be “skydiving naked during the rapture so the ascending ones will think I’m going with them and have second thoughts.” See people, THIS is how you do a Rapture. Thank you, @larwe for embracing the spirit of the occasion. To show my appreciation, I made you and anyone who would like to join you in naked skydiving, a free t-shirt.

Yes, I realize that making this shirt was a complete waste of time. Thanks.

As if I don’t have enough to deal with, @heinakroon is on the verge of ruining everything, “I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s my army of killer robots helping me to take over the world. Don’t worry and stay calm.” Great, @heinakroon, I am having enough trouble generating excitement for this month’s Apocalypse already. I don’t need you sending out killer robots to distract everyone. You need to get these things on the calendar in advance. How’s February for you?
Of all the naysayers, @IbecameMyDadis the worst of them, suggesting the whole thing is the result of old pipes, “I think you’ve been misled; this time around it’s the “Rupture.” It’s just a plumbing issue. Get some boots and you’ll be fine.” He’s probably right, but I like to stay optimistic and think the end of the world is at hand. Plus, I just had the plumber out last week and I really don’t want to pay for another service call. So, let’s get ready for this thing.

Rapture Apocalypse Dress Code: No, we are not going naked (except for @larwe, obviously)

Since the day of Rapture Apocalypse is at hand, I will at least help everyone with the dress code. Some of you, like @rebecca_ods, are not satisfied with just dashing off into the sky naked. “I need more info! Once again I have no idea how to dress! Should I sleep in my clothes just in case?”  Rapture Apocalypse is, after all, a special occasion, and some of us would like to be able to dress for it. Also, I am on the same page with @BanterBurbia, “if that means I have to spend my last day on earth shaving, I’m out.”

@jbrown3079 definitively stated that the dress code for the upcoming Rapture will be “Disaster Casual.” But just what is Disaster Casual? Let’s consider our options.

@_viouslymaggie suggests, “Dress for Halloween in case we don’t make it. Also, it will be easier to sort the saint and sinners that way.” This is a terrible idea by the way. I have only had the chance to blog about two of my Halloween costume suggestions. Three if you count the meth lab t-shirt. Everyone is going to be wearing shirts about being drug addicts, serial killers, and having meth labs. There is no way Jesus is going to let someone past the gates wearing a meth lab shirt. Sorry @_viouslymaggie, nice try but we will NOT be wearing our Halloween costumes.

@daralynnieloo will be wearing “my new slippers, new jeans, favorite t-shirt, my new pea coat and scarf. Don’t wanna miss out on getting to wear the new stuff.” There is nothing worse than buying a new pea coat and never getting a chance to wear it because of Rapture Apocalypse.

@debihen is going with “flowing robes and pipe cleaner halo.” She suggests you “check the Halloween dept for wings. That ought to be appropriate.” Can you bring some extra pipe cleaners, @debihen? I don’t have time to go to the craft store, and I really want to get in. I have some questions I want to ask God.

@me_mumstheword says pajamas, “my favorite attire for all important events,” are the way to go. Pajama attire also solves @rebecca_ods’ dilemma of whether to sleep in your Apocalyptic attire. Two birds, one stone. Well done, @me_mumstheword. Except, you probably shouldn’t be throwing rocks at birds.

So, do you hear that, Rapture Planning committee? “Disaster Casual” is any recently purchased clothing, wings, pipe cleaner halos, and pajamas. Write that down.

Packing for the Afterlife

Another little known fact about Rapture Apocalypse is that you can pack a bag. You are allowed one carry-on item of any size. A hand basket is a nice choice, in case you end up going to hell in it later. It is always more convenient to go to hell in your own hand basket. A trip to hell couldn’t be that much worse than a shopping experience at your local Wal-mart. Just pack whatever xanax and wine you would ordinarily take for that type of outing.
Have a Nice Apocalypse

So, when you see @larwe skydiving naked with a pipecleaner halo, you will know the big day has arrived. If you see killer robots, then @heinakroon has ruined everything.

Happy Rapture everyone!

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About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

6 Responses to Rapture Preparation

  1. Debihen says:

    I like the idea of my own Hell Hand basket. I have a friend who says she is so bad that she figures that when she gets to Hell, she'll be assigned a seat behind a pillar and won't even have a clear view of Satan. If she has her own hand basket, at least she will be comfortable on the ride down. Are there snacks at the Rapture? I would think rice crispy treats would be good as I have often commented (with a lot of authority) that Rice Crispy Treats are Food of The Gods, so if they are not appropriate, I don't know what would be.Also, will that Zombie Apocalypse be happening anytime soon? I need to brush up on Zombie Apocalypse survival as I am a bit late jumping on that bandwagon…

  2. Funny lady! You make us all look very witty.I'd like to add wings to my pajama attire. I'm just not sure how comfortable they would be to sleep in.

  3. I don't mean to ruin your apocalypse, but honestly: those killer robots have been a long time coming. After all, it's not like it could get any worse. Oh. Actually, scratch that.Sorry, I'm not making much sense today. I'm blaming being in bed with some kind of annoying flu.

  4. Well, as always, I practically shot my oat meal out my nose reading your post. And it's not that runny 5-minute instant stuff, so that's kind of a big deal.First, regarding the handbasket thing. I agree that it's not a bad way to go. I actually wrote about that (shameless plug warning) a while back: http://ivebecomemyparents.com/2011/05/02/hell-in-a-handbasket/I know I'm not going northward today. Two very nice people came to my door recently and told me so. Apparently they read somewhere that because I'm Jewish I'm not going to be allowed on that bus. It seems they feel they won't either unless they convince me to believe what their little pamphlet says. They're welcome to share my handbasket.But I still hold firm to my conviction (actually, I was acquitted) that what we're dealing with here is the Rupture, not the Rapture. Seriously, only plumbers need be concerned. Well, actually, I guess that does mean we'll have our own version of Hell on Earth: an overabundance of plumber's butt cracks assaulting our senses from under the kitchen sink. Shit. This is worse than I thought.

  5. Joshua says:

    Given everything that happened this week, I would have welcomed the Rapture.

  6. blogdramedy says:

    It must be you. Quite a few of my neighbours disappeared yesterday. There was this big rapture potluck bon voyage party down the lane last night. This morning all that's left is scorched earth.I'm thankful for the silence.

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