Your Conference Survival Kit

As some of you may be aware, based on my vociferous complaints on Twitter, I recently attended a conference. To be honest, I thought it would be more fun. If you are attending a conference in the near future, I want you to be prepared. Here is a list of things you will need with a picture below for reference.

Please do NOT place this picture into a PowerPoint presentation and force people to listen to you drone on about it for forty-five minutes. I will find out about it and hurt you.
1. Johnny Depp Pirate
While most items crucial for maintaining sanity are located within the conference itself, you will need to bring your own tiny Johnny Depp pirate.  According to @Debihen, a tiny Johnny Depp pirate is essential for “sending out periodically to pilfer and plunder bags of Cheetos.” Also, you can talk to him when you discover that everyone at your lunch table will be discussing the keynote speaker and the operating systems of their phones.
2. Name Tag
The name tag is your key for obtaining snacks and free pens. You can take the name tag off to operate under the radar when skipping the keynote speakers. You can also use the rope around your name tag as a noose for strangling people who cut in the lunch line or presenters who go ahead and take questions even after their time limit is over.
3. Duck with a Computer
You should try to pick up as much free stuff as possible. Pens will be prevalent, but if you can get a rubber duck with a computer, that is ideal. I like that this duck not only has a computer, but is also is giving me the ‘thumbs up’ sign. Ducks with computers generally approve of me. I rate highly among plastic ducks, especially ones with computers.
4. Perrier Bottle
You should be aware that the conference will most likely be filled with grown-ups. Some of them will be wearing suits, while others will have tiny phones in their ears. Absolutely none of them will think you are funny. If they do not think you are funny, you can cover by pretending you are insane. Do this by repeatedly muttering a prepared catch phrase. @lahikmajoe recommends, “Bee in my bonnet.”
In case you get tired of muttering
You can also try to blend in with the grown-ups by carrying around a bottle of Perrier. This is what grown-ups drink. I carried a bottle while muttering, just to be safe.
5. Zombie Defense
People at the conference will be talking in monotone voices and shuffling around with dazed expressions, making it impossible for you to tell whether they are actually zombies.Therefore, you will need to be on high alert and ready to defend yourself from likely attacks.
For zombie defense weaponry, @heinakroon recommends a katana since “those things will split any zombie’s head.” If you fail to find any Japanese samurai swords over at the SWAG table, try surrounding yourself with extra chairs you can use as weapons. The stockpile of chairs will also keep away people who want to hand you their business cards and chat once the presentation is over.
Regarding zombie defense strategies, @jetts21 states strongly that you must “wait till they are undead.” However, I recommend you start flinging chairs out during the question and answer session, just to be safe.
Please feel free to contribute below with your own zombie defense recommendations for the corporate conference environment.
Next post… Surviving the PowerPoint Presentation.

About lgalaviz
All of this hardly seems necessary.

6 Responses to Your Conference Survival Kit

  1. lahikmajoe says:

    Another good one is, 'I am not a medical doctor.'I think that's a line from Richard Linklater's film 'Slacker', but I'm not sure how accurately I remember it.

  2. Zombie defence is tricky at the best of times, but finding yourself in a hotel conference room surrounded by potential hostiles makes the situation critical. Even if I wholeheartedly agree with @jetts21's advice to "wait until they're undead" you can't risk being too cautious: I'd suggest that you test any suspect individuals by gently stabbing them with something sharp.

  3. Debihen says:

    I work in a hospital imaging department so I've seen my fair share of dead people. That being said, I have never, (thankfully) seen a zombie. Not to worry; I have not become complacent; I have memorized every dance step demonstrated in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video. I figure, if I can't beat them; dance with them.

  4. Gigi says:

    And this is why I NEVER sign up for anything at work willingly…..why torture myself?On the other hand, the few times I've been coerced into doing something I didn't want to do, these tips would have come in handy.

  5. Joshua says:

    Rule #1: Cardio.I went to a conference in Toronto a few years ago for three days. I don't remember a thing about it, but there was so much free booze, so that's probably why. And I brought my Playstation with me, so I was in my room a lot.

  6. Xibee says:

    I have only attended one such conference, sans duck or pirate, but found that the following mutterance: "Mi prczny Krujiak borgen mashta, dra?" worked pretty damn well. Go ahead, look.

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