Halloween Costume Series: Robot Zombie Killer

This costume is based on my new Pulitzer prize-winning novel about the future and robot zombies.  I’ve been the future you see, and the phones that we created to drive our cars have turned against us.  They are now zombies that must be taken out by any means necessary.  This book will probably win for the best non-fiction since it is about facts in the future and I don’t think anyone has written a book yet about facts in the future.  Therefore, being the one and only book in the category, it HAS to win.

Actually, I am writing the book in the future as we speak.  The best thing about this method is that I am not procrastinating. I am waiting for future self to deliver the book via time machine, or by UPS.  I am not exactly sure how these things work.

Everyone who wears this shirt will be promoting my future book and you will be well compensated when I hit the bestseller list any day now.  I will also be famous, so bonus points to you for knowing someone famous.

Halloween Costume Series: Pulitzer Prize Winner

I heard someone say once, and this has always stuck with me, “Most people don’t want to write. Most people want to have written.” The truth about writing is that unless you are writing some ridiculous blog about non-existent t-shirts, it is a lot of hard work. You pretty much have to do all of this hard work whether or not the crap you generate wins a Pulitzer prize. A lot of people just aren’t cut out for that. I’m not cut out for it. Why would I do all that work and NOT get a prize?

This costume is your chance to enjoy the fame and admiration of winning a Pulitzer for your best-selling novel, without the time and energy it would take to actually write a Pulitzer prize-winning, best-selling novel. The beauty of this plan is that you won’t even have to sacrifice the time and energy it would take to create a non-Pulitzer prize-winning crappy novel.

You will still need to think of a fake name and part of a plot for the book that won you this celebrated prize, but that is small price to pay. I would help you think of a name and plot, but it sounds like a lot of work. If I were going to do all that, I would just go ahead and write the damn thing and win my own Pulitzer.

I will, however, be willing to give you some tips based on my own extensive experience of not writing books. One tip is that your plot should be about zombies. They are hot right now. Oh wait, better yet, robot zombies… from the future. Get to work.

Halloween Costume Series: Time Traveler

I’ve seen the future. It’s pretty much like the past only later in the day.

The beauty of this costume is that no one can prove you are NOT a time traveler.  To prove that you are not a time traveler, the person would first have to become a time traveler, then travel to the future to find that you are not actually in the future.  Then the person would have to travel back to the past, which is now the present, in order to actually prove you wrong.  Even if they do all of these steps, you can always nullify their efforts by saying you had that day off.  If you can tell that someone is about to go through all of this effort just to publicly invalidate your costume, you should tell them not to bother.

However foolproof this costume may be, it does require a bit of preparation.  People will be asking you what the future is like, so you will need to know how to describe it.  Don’t tell go around telling everyone there are floating cars, it is an amateur mistake and @heinakroon has already rejected that idea. Besides, people are terrible drivers now that they are one the ground, you wouldn’t want them up flying in the air.

In the future, our phones will be driving. They already have navigational systems, it is only one extra step to just plug them into the car and take off.  However, the driving phone really doesn’t solve my problem that I want to be able to text and drive. I would hate to distract my phone while it is driving by using it to text. Maybe in the future, we will all have multiple phones.

But having multiple phones isn’t really ideal either, because the whole point of having the phone combined with your music playing device and your Twitter machine is so you don’t have to keep up with so many things. No one is going to want to carry around two phones so they can text and drive. That would be ridiculous. Don’t worry. I’m positive I’ll have this worked out by Halloween. Be sure to check back later.

Halloween Costume Series: Drug Addict

On seeing the title of this post, you are probably thinking:  What kind of costume is this where I either admit to being, or suddenly become, a drug addict? Drug addiction is a serious issue and not a laughing matter!

Well, relax. I am not suggesting that you go out buy rows of cocaine or start a meth lab. I mean, if you feel you need to do these things to make the shirt more convincing so you can win some sort of misguided Halloween contest, there is nothing I can do to stop you.  Just know that it is a bad idea.

What I am suggesting is that you become addicted to drugs you do not have to make for yourself in a lab or buy from guys in the street. I don’t think I could help you buy drugs in the street anyway. I have walked around on streets quite a bit and no one has ever offered to sell me drugs.

I am probably missing the drug vendors because I am too distracted trying to navigate crosswalks and not get hit by cars. You see, I live in Texas, and you are not supposed to walk anywhere in Texas. People know this, so they are in their huge SUVs and four-door trucks, ready and willing to take you out for the slightest misstep. If I wasn’t so worried about dying, I’m sure I would be able to focus better on which of my fellow pedestrians are selling the drugs.

In the meantime, I have decided to become addicted to Claritin D. I have become quite good at skulking around the pharmacy. Then, when the time is right, with shifty eyes and a quiet tone, I ask the pharmacist to get my drugs from behind the counter.  While I admit that my daring adventures may seem exciting, in reality, the life of a drug addict is fraught with hardship. Withdrawal symptoms for my addiction include watery eyes and get ready for it…. the dreaded phlegm.  If you are smart, you won’t come to my intervention. I’ll be going through a lot of Kleenex and it won’t be pretty.

On the plus side, I think @zippy219 would agree that a little drug trafficking is worth ridding the world of phlegm.

This shirt is in case you decided NOT to follow my advice, and you went ahead with the meth lab.  I like to think I am open-minded about these things.

UPDATE: If you have indeed decided to start your own meth lab, I am including a link to an article by Bill Rempel, author and award-winning journalist (NO, I am NOT making this up… this guy actually has credentials. You should be honored to be reading my well-informed blog. Well, not honored, relieved maybe, that you have not completely wasted your time).

The article, “7 Secrets of a Highly Efficient Criminal Organization,” contains everything you need to know for all your meth lab related activities. Through his investigation of Columbia’s Cali drug cartel, Bill reveals sage advice like the importance of buying a good reputation. He doesn’t mention how much a really good one costs, but what do you care? You are making money hand over fist with your meth lab. Also, did you know you can look innocent simply by driving a Mazda??? No one ever tells me these things!

The last bit of advice is to “Always have a Plan B.” My Plan B is to have someone set up to pay for my snacks in jail. I hear they are really expensive.

 

Halloween Costume Series: Serial Killer

I forgot that the entire reason I wanted a t-shirt catalog was too make up a bunch of t-shirts for Halloween so people wouldn’t feel the pressure to dress up. Now we are halfway through October, and I suddenly remember my original goal. That is just like something I would do. I also have great plans for a Thanksgiving blog that I will most likely get around to posting after New Year’s.

Anyway, my point about Halloween is that I am not a kid anymore. When I was a kid, I had to go door to door in a cheap plastic mask with tiny little holes for breathing so that I could be oxygen deprived the entire night. And also there was an elastic string attached with the cheapest staple possible so that it inevitably detatched and had to be fixed on the fly MacGyver-style. See example below:

Check out The Ghost of Halloween Past at EncinoMom to learn more about the plastic mask experience.

I am an adult now. I can buy a Snicker’s bar anytime I want one. I don’t have to be stuck with the ‘fun’ size either. I can buy the non-fun size that actually seems more fun because there is a bunch more candy involved.

Seeing as how I am in full control of my own candy supply, I should not be required to wear a costume. To make matters worse, you can’t get those masks with the holes cut in the eyes anymore. Adult costumes involve wigs and fishnet panty hose and strange shoes. You also have popular culture to look into in case you want to be someone from the cast of Jersey Shore. The whole thing is a mess.

Dozens of you are probably on the verge of wandering around in a Halloween store run by stoned college kids just so you can find something appropriate to wear for a costume contest or office party.  Luckily, this blog has saved you. In the next few days I will present a line of t-shirts focusing on changes you can make on the inside so you don’t have to wear odd clothing on the outside. You won’t even need to buy strange shoes. You will simply become a strange person.

Let’s start off by looking at serial killers. People live next door to serial killers for years before they describe them to the news team as ‘reserved’ while detectives dig for bones in the backyard. So, logically, you won’t have to wear anything distinctive if you suddenly decide to become a serial killer for the day.

You may be thinking that is almost like my idea for the ‘NOT a Serial Killer’ shirt, but it is actually the polar opposite of that idea, and therefore totally unique.

I’m planning to sell this shirt with a vial of fake blood so you can casually leave the room and return with strategically placed splatters. Keep in mind you will have to do this more than once. You are, after all, a serial killer. If you can have people disappear mysteriously from the location, this will further improve the efficiency of the costume.  You should probably be caught at the end of the night digging a hole in the backyard to fill with bones.

The next costume will be a surprise. I have to get these out quick before Halloween is here or the rapture comes. Someone told me it has been rescheduled for this Friday, the rapture, not Halloween. Hopefully, none of you have made other plans.

Side Note: EncinoMom, along with the nostalgic mask story, also has a great recipe for Halloween Pancakes. I urge you to try this recipe if you have kids and aren’t an epic fail in the kitchen. I would like to try the recipe myself, but you need Halloween pancake forms and I only have Christmas cookie cutters that I never even got around to using for cookies at Christmas. You are probably way more organized that me though, so here is the link:
http://encinomom.com/pumpkin-pancakes/

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