How NOT to keep readers reading your articles on WordPress

Oh dear. It seems I have pissed someone off with my blog. I TOTALLY did not see this coming.  Don’t worry… I took screen shots of the comments so you can all enjoy my moment:

Comment 01

Wow… I had a RANT? Awesome. Wait… I had a rant on my guide to making t-shirts for Zazzle? That is terrible place for a rant. What kind of blog am I running here?

Comment 02

First of all… pretty funny? I am incredibly insulted. Secondly, how can a person get upset over gun and baby hating comments on a blog post about making t-shirts? Why on earth would anyone even bring up guns and babies while talking about making stuff on Zazzle? Oh, wait… this is MY blog. Frank is probably right, I do tend to drift from the topic at hand.

Dear Frank: Please allow me remedy the anti-gun and anti-life rant on the Zazzle T-shirt Guide by explaining my stance more clearly. It is NOT that I am pro-abortion. It is that I am against making women have babies. You see Frank, I have had a baby. I had a baby nine years ago. That was NINE years ago and he is STILL following me around asking for stuff like food, and clothing, and hermit crabs. You wouldn’t believe it Frank, it is like a NIGHTMARE. For a while, he was even making me watching this show with him about these trains that talked. TALKING TRAINS, Frank! I would never push that on anyone. It just seems cruel.

This is just to prove that I am not making up the whole thing about the talking trains.

This is just to prove that I am not making up the whole thing about the talking trains.

About the guns, I have to admit that they do make me uncomfortable. However, that is not because of MSNBC or ESPN, it is because of the messy cleanup. Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Those guys accidentally shot some dude in their car and there was brain mess EVERYWHERE. It took forever for them to clean it up. You probably don’t know me very well, Frank, but I am VERY accident-prone. If I am carrying a gun around, I will definitely end up shooting someone in my car.

pulpfiction

See… look at the front of John Travolta’s shirt. No amount of OxyClean is ever getting that out.

As far as believing everything I see on MSNBC, can you please tell me what channel that is on? I mainly use my television for watching documentaries about cats. Also, I’m not that good at running the menu guide or telling what channel stuff is on. Also, I hate that Matt Lauer guy. Is he going to be on the MSNBC channel? Because, if so… I’m OUT. I don’t even know why I hate him. He is probably a totally nice guy. Not that I would sit down and have lunch with him or anything. I really don’t have time for all that. It must be the hair.

Matt Lauer's hair. It is VERY unsettling.

Matt Lauer’s hair. It is VERY unsettling.

So, to recap, it is not that I meant to piss you off, Frank. I am really very open-minded about these things. Any rants I may accidentally post to my Zazzle Guidelines stem directly from the fact that I do not want to have lunch with Matt Lauer. Honestly, I don’t even know how this stuff comes up. Sorry you stopped reading my blog because of my undue dislike of Matt Lauer’s haircut. You are probably justified. However, I must confess that most people stopped reading this blog a long time ago because it hasn’t been updated in ages. Ironically… you, Frank, are like my BIGGEST fan!

This is for you, Frank!

Also… one more…

You can never be too careful.

You can never be too careful.

How to Volunteer at a Food Bank

Volunteering at a food bank is a great way to touch a lot of food and meet celebrities. Of course, if the celebrities are there, they are going to get to touch all high profile food, like the tomato juice. Don’t expect to get  your hands on any tomato juice.

I was in charge of this milk. ALL of it!

Because I am NOT a celebrity, all I got to touch was boxes of milk that don’t need to be refrigerated. Did you have ANY idea that there is milk that comes in boxes? I must live a terribly sheltered life, because apparently this is a thing.

Jesse Metcalfe holding tomato juice

This is a photo of Jesse Metcalfe holding tomato juice. At first, I didn’t recognize him because they said he was currently on the remake of Dallas. But then, someone told me that he was the guy who mowed the lawns on Desperate Housewives. That is when it all clicked together. Instead of holding tomato juice, imagine this person shirtless with a lawn mower. I met a CELEBRITY! Yea, me!

Look… this is Jesse Metcalfe’s tomato juice!

Of course, by ‘meet’ a celebrity, what I mean is touch the tomato juice of a celebrity with my boxes of non-refrigerated milk. But that STILL COUNTS!

Here I am packing milk into boxes and taking pictures at the same time. I’m a multi-tasker.

Non refrigerated milk is a lot harder to pack than it looks like. See how streamlined these boxes are? This is an arduous task. Plus, everyone got mad at me when I kept falling behind because I stopped to take pictures. I have a BLOG TO WRITE, PEOPLE!

Random picture I felt compelled to take. I’m an ARTIST. I have VISION.

Another advantage of volunteering at a food bank is that you can get pictures of celebrities holding random food items that you can then send to The Bloggess.

I have ALWAYS wanted to send a picture of a celebrity holding a random item to The Bloggess, because in return, you get a picture of… Wil Wheaton Collating Paper. Which I did, and which made  me FURIOUSLY HAPPY.

So… here are some helpful t-shirts for those of you who will be volunteering at food banks in the near future…

I can’t guarantee this shirt will get you near the tomato juice, but it’s worth a shot.

This will help explain why you are continually taking pictures of random things while you are supposed to be packing milk into boxes.

Also… one last picture. I would hate to feel like I held up the line taking all these pictures for no reason.

The final box of food. It’s important to get all the pictures of food while you have the chance.

How successful people do NOT start their mornings

Today, I felt like a success. I started the day early, dropped my kid off at school (on time, I might add), then took a few minutes to tune into Twitter. That is when I saw that @RageMichelle had posted a link to “11 Ways Successful People Start Their Morning.”

I thought, “What a great link to follow! I’m successful. I can now see how other successful people like me start the day.” Here is a link to the article:

Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for Productive Living
11 Ways Successful People Start Their Morning

To facilitate your morning success, I will review each item, then give you a quick summary of how it should be implemented. You will get started a lot faster than the people who are reading the entire article, thus maintaining your competitive edge. If there is anything I am all about, it is the competitive edge.

Disclaimer: I only actually make it through seven of the steps, because, to be honest, success is exhausting. I don’t know who these people are, walking around with productive lives, but they must be tired as hell.

1. Get an early start. The more time you’ve had to digest the day’s news and obstacles ahead, the greater advantage you’ll have over your competition.

Done. I got up early, got my kid to school and gave myself time to get caught up on the day’s news and obstacles. Like most people, I accomplish my news and obstacle awareness via Twitter. Today’s news from Carl‏@CarlRzo had me worried about stripper tips. He states, “Why do strippers give themselves fake names? You’re showing your asshole for $1, nobody cares if your real name is Jen.” Really, the going rate is a dollar? On considering a stipper career, I thought I would get lots of dollars. Also, strippers will be showing other parts of anatomy, not just that one particular area, so they deserve way more than a dollar. I don’t know what kinds of stripper bars you are going to, Carl, but they sound really weird.

2. Review your Focus list. What is your number one goal right now?  

Well, it was going to be picking out a stripper name, but according to Carl, that is totally useless. You don’t even need one because you can just go by ‘Jen.’ My other long term goal is to win the lottery, but you need to buy a ticket for that. If only I could figure out an easy way to get a dollar.

3. Review your TO-DON’T list. A ‘TO-DON’T list’ is a list of things not to do. It’s an incredibly useful tool for keeping track of unproductive habits, like checking Facebook and Twitter.

Well, damn. Major fail on this one already. Twitter was the only reason I am even reading this article on how to be successful. Now I am caught in some type of vortex where I can’t read the article on being successful because I wrote down on a list somewhere not to read the thing that caused me to read the other thing. I will NEVER be successful.

4. Exercise. Movement increases brain function and decreases stress levels. Apple CEO, Tim Cook, is in the gym by 5 A.M. every morning.

Well, bueno for that guy. You know what ELSE increases brain function? COFFEE.

I bet Tim Cook, CEO, wasn’t up at 12am writing his blog, was he? I am going to write my own article about being successful, and it is going to suggest that you stay away from ALL people who get up at 5 A.M. to run on a treadmill. Because you know who else does that? Hamsters, that’s who. Everyone knows that hamsters cannot be trusted.

5. Eat a healthy breakfast. Your brain and body speed are a function of what you intake. Try a spinach omelet one morning and let me know how much better you feel.

Who the hell has time in the morning to make a spinach omelette? Not even Apple CEO, Tim Cook is making spinach omelettes. I wonder if people are really making spinach omelettes and writing in to tell the author of this article how they feel. If you are getting up at 5 A.M. to run on treadmills and make spinach omelettes , don’t even tell me about it. I don’t want to hear it.

6. Kiss your partner goodbye. Most truly successful people have a great home life.

Okay, I know some of you are thinking, “But, I don’t HAVE a partner.” I am here to tell you that making these types of excuses is EXACTLY what is holding you back from having a successful start in the morning. If you don’t have a partner, then find someone else to kiss. It is probably the kissing part that counts anyway. That crazy man on the subway should be up to the task.

7. Connect with the right people. Connecting with positive people in the morning can set you up for a positive day.

I’m not sure if you are aware of this, but positive people are really hard to deal with in the morning. I have been around these people and they are going to be loud and cheerful and very talky. There is a high probability that if you are under-caffeinated, they will suck your soul right out of your body. The last thing you need is to be spending the rest of the day looking around for your damn soul.

8. Throw away all steps listed above. Because I’m not sure how successful this list will actually make you.

By the time you get up early to read on Twitter that your stripper career is entirely unsuccessful, then go through your focus list while somehow managing to avoid the vortex you create by telling yourself not to read Twitter once you already have, you still have get on the treadmill and make an omelette. You are going to be totally exhausted. You won’t even have enough energy to kiss strangers on subways and talk to positive people.

For a successful morning start, you should get up, eat whatever, kiss someone if you want to, and avoid treadmills and positive people until at least noon. Also, I don’t care what Carl says, you need a stripper name that is something besides just ‘Jen.’ At least go with Candi or Bambi. Some people know nothing about managing stripper careers. They are probably too busy making spinach omelettes to see the bigger picture.

Lastly, this t-shirt is for Mark and Angel, the life hackers. I have a feeling they are going to need it.

It will also help anyone who would just rather not hear from people who are making, or have had made spinach omelettes.

How to be an Extrovert

Are you worried about dying alone with hoarded magazines and cats? You may be an introvert.

In order to be happy, it is well documented that you have to be an extrovert. Well, in order to be the happiest person, according to the New York Times, you have to be Alvin Wong (Discovered: The Happiest Man in America).

The problem is that we can’t all be Alvin Wong. No amount of blog posts I can write can even get you close to being Alvin Wong, so don’t even ask me about it. Of course, if you already are Alvin Wong, you don’t even have to keep reading this. Just go back to being an Asian-American Jewish man living in Hawaii, if that is what makes you happy (Apparently, that is EXACTLY what makes people happy).

Of course, the other thing that makes people happy, according to Fox News and Professor Randy J. Larsen, is being an extrovert.

Why Extroverts Are Happier Than Introverts – Fox News

Being Extroverted: Key to Happiness – Washington University in St. Louis Magazine

I know you are thinking, “I’m not an extrovert, and I’m totally happy.” Well, that is not true. According to Fox News and Professor Randy J. Larsen, all introverts are miserable and living with hoarded magazines and lots of cats. Extroverts, on the other hand, are happily prancing around with their many friends through their magnificent lives.

No one ever argues with Fox News or people with the word ‘Professor’ ahead of their name, so I will give you a minute to allow your introverted misery to sink in.

Miserable yet? Great.

Don’t worry, I would not have written a blog post telling you that you are miserable without a plan to do something about it.  The good news is that while we can’t all be Asian-American Jewish men, we can all be extroverts! I guarantee that by the end of this blog post, you will be an extrovert.* Soon, you will be joining the millions of happily converted extroverts in their extraordinary lives**

*Guaranteed in a way that is neither measurable nor refundable.
**I don’t actually know where these people are. Also, there may not be millions of them.

Time to Become an Extrovert

wikiHow (How to do anything) has a very practical article on becoming an extrovert. They even include pictures of extroverts so you can spot them in the wild.

Look at this guy. He’s an extrovert!

Seeing as how you probably want to start being an extrovert right away, I will summarize some of the more relevant steps. After all, reading is for introverts.

Step 1. Talk to people.

And by talking to people, I mean REAL people. It is well established that people who are introverts often communicate online through social media, like Twitter. It is also well established that the people on Twitter aren’t real. I know you are shocked. You would think these people are real. After all, they have pictures of their dogs, and very convicting anecdotes about their jobs and what they are making for lunch. However, these people and their amusing anecdotes are totally fabricated. You know, like the people in the Matrix. They may even THINK they are real, but they are not. Ask anyone who is not on Twitter, and they will tell you that Twitter isn’t real.

Warning: Don’t attempt question the people on Twitter regarding the fact they are not real. They are so deluded they will earnestly insist on their own reality and you do NOT have time to argue with people who don’t exist.

In the interest of talking to real people, you should find two of them to talk to every day. I know the people who are actually around you are not as high-quality as the fake ones you can generate on the Internet. As an extrovert, these are sacrifices you will have to make. It is statistically impossible that extroverts are even remotely satisfied conversing with the people they are talking to, so buck up. Enjoy your conversation at Wal-Mart with the woman in the halter top sitting in the electric shopping cart. She has a riveting story about kicking her boyfriend out of her trailer that I KNOW you haven’t heard.

Step 2. Give yourself permission to act without reflecting beforehand.

According to wikiHow, “Thinking before you act is an introverted trait.” The reason you are going to die alone with cats is because thinking is for introverts.

You are wasting so much time considering the consequences of your actions when you could be plowing ahead forward with no repercussions. Extroverts never worry about the outcome of a situation. For example, I once had an extrovert explain to me in detail the concepts of ‘planking’ and ‘owling.’ Upon request, he even squatted into an owl-like pose with absolutely NO reflection beforehand that this would be a completely ridiculous thing to do. This is how you should be conversing with people, by making owl poses.

Step 3. Talk more and listen less.

Listening is for introverts. You should be spending most of your energy blurting out whatever it is you are going to say next. Don’t worry if it is pertinent to the conversation at all.

Also, if the conversation starts to bore you, change the subject. There is no need to waste your time listening to people droning on and on about their kid’s soccer game. I recommend bringing up trivial stuff people do on the internet, like ‘planking’ and ‘owling.’ This will give you a great opportunity to try out your new owl poses.

Step 4: Give up on the whole thing and wear my t-shirts

I realize all of this seems like a lot of trouble just to avoid dying alone in a pool of your own vomit. However, I may have an easier solution. Feel free to skip all of the steps outlined above in lieu of wearing one of the following t-shirts.

By the time people figure out you are not an Asian-American Jewish man, you will be long gone.

This way you can be an extrovert without even talking to anybody.

At least people will THINK you are happy. Sometimes that is good enough.

For Further Research

A different perspective on whether extroverts are happier than introverts:
Are Extroverts Happier Than Introverts? Yes, But…There are many different ways to define happiness.

Are you happy? Not if you live in West Virginia. Check the Gallup Poll:
Hawaii No. 1 in U.S. for Wellbeing, and West Virginia Last

How to Text Your Friends and Enemies

Below, you will find a set of urgent messages I texted to Michiel on a Thursday afternoon. I had no way to mark them as urgent, like you can in Outlook. If I was sending these to her via email, they would all have huge red exclamation marks on them. Maybe I should have sent them in all caps. Better yet, I should get Michiel to send me her work email so I can send the urgent messages marked as such. That seems like the most practical plan.

My Messages to Michiel:

“Hey… What was that joke that girl told us at the bar?”

“There were two of them, like a set.”

“A set of jokes, that is. Not just a set.”

“Maybe something about a paraplegic giraffe was involved?”

“Are you in a meeting?”

“If you are in a meeting, and you think of the joke, can you step out? I really need this joke. I’m already committed to tell it and now I can’t think of it.”

“I’m in big trouble here.”

Michiel’s Response:

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I finally thought of the joke by myself without Michiel’s help. By the way, Michiel… if you are reading… thanks for NOTHING. The joke had absolutely nothing at all to do with a paraplegic giraffe, but rather a quadriplegic deer. The whole thing would have fallen apart with a giraffe.

Because, sadly enough, they don’t.

How To Go To The Mall: A Photo Guide

The most important part of a successful mall-shopping endeavor is to take people with you. Also, you should have lots of drinks beforehand. Therefore, the first thing you do in preparation for a trip to the mall is find a few friends, then go out for sushi and some cold sake.

Who am I kidding? Sushi is optional. Get some drinks.

Being someone that dresses in clothing purchased from Target along with spiral notebooks and cartons of milk, I was a bit unprepared for the mall. To spare my fellowman the same fate, I will now describe what you should expect from the mall experience.

Upon arrival at a department store, you will most likely be accosted with garishly striped dresses.

Does ANYONE wear these? I have NEVER seen anyone wearing these.

Usually, I dress in solid colors to avoid the matching dilemma. The last thing I need is to wake up in the morning with some Rubix cube puzzle task of finding clothes that go together. If that Rubix cube thing was all one color… BAM… problem solved. People say I’m a genius. I’ve never actually heard them, but I am sure they are saying it out of earshot to avoid embarrassing me.

So, being a person that dresses mainly in solid colors, you can imagine how intimidated I was by these bold patterns. You too may feel pattern-anxiety when confronted by stripes at the door. However, if you did as instructed you will have your friends with you. There is safety in numbers. That must be why women go shopping together, to avoid being attacked by stripes. However, if you don’t have safety in numbers, take a Valium. That will work too.

Some of these dresses will be placed on mannequins to demonstrate what the dress would look like if you were wearing one without your head.

Waving stripes as demonstrated by mannequin

I can use a dress that looks good on me without a head actually, as I am often tempted to take off my head for brain storming sessions and other treacherous situations in which people want to misuse my brain.

Next there will be pants in primary colors.

Pants. In primary colors.

As someone who mainly wears earth tones, so as to blend in with the earth, I’m shocked that a store would only be offering pants in primary colors. Attention people who design pants, there is so much more to the color wheel… branch OUT.

Animal prints… you know, for swimming.

Okay, I admit that I didn’t like the primary color pants because they didn’t blend well enough, but the animal print swimwear is going a bit too far in the other direction. I really don’t want to go to the pool looking like a drowning giraffe. Thanks, anyway.

By the way, you know what is better than drowning in giraffe print? Drowning in giraffe print with glitter heels.

Glitter Heels

I usually feel strongly that shoes should not have jewelry; however, these shoes would go nicely with the giraffe swimsuit above. See how they are similar in color? They would totally go great together.

You could wear them to a beauty pageant, as that is the ONLY place I have ever seen anyone wearing swimsuits in heels. You hardly ever see anyone in swimsuits and heels at the beach or the pool. This is because people are aware that the zombies will most likely come out of the water during zombie apocalsype. You don’t want to be running from them in a giraffe suit and glitter heels. You will be the first to go.

Aside from giraffe suits, you know what else people don’t wear enough of? Chartreuse, that is what.

Chartreuse Heels

I know you are thinking that you probably have a chartreuse outfit somewhere that these shoes will go with. If that is indeed what you are thinking, why stop at chartreuse? You know that great leather outfit you have with the ball gag? The mall has the perfect shoes for that.

Sadomasochist Heels

Please note how the spikes on the lower part of the shoe are in the shape of a bow. Just because you are wearing pervert shoes, does not mean they can’t have that feminine touch.

My friend’s foot in a Mardi Gras shoe

These shoes especially seemed over the top. Bright colors AND glitter. I almost wish I had a place to wear them. Where do people wear glittery shoes? The sales person said people wear them on cruise ships, but I really can’t afford to buy a cruise ship just so I can wear glittery shoes. I’m way too practical.

This is me in fancy shoes, trying not to fall down.

This is NOT the camera angle… the floor really was this slanty. I don’t know how I was able to walk and not fall down. This is also probably how I would actually be wearing these shoes, with shorts and a tank top. It is a good look for me, I think.

Me in garish yellow shoes (I got tired of asking people how to spell chartreuse).

These are the perfect shoes for your stripper career. Some of you may remember the requirement of glass heels in How to Choose a Career. If you are job hunting, these are the stripper shoes for you. When I told the salesman I needed some shoes for stripping, he assured me that these shoes are an INVESTMENT. “You will make back the $80 you spend on these shoes within an hour,” he told me.

Next time you need some stripper shoes, or a dress to wear when you are headless, call me. I’ll show you around the mall. You are paying for drinks, however. I can’t spend all the cash I am making with my new stripper shoes just anywhere.

Just in case I happen to be unavailable for mall shopping on the day you are going, I am leaving a few t-shirts to help you out.

Hopefully this shirt will work better than the one that said let’s go sober to the department of motor vehicles. NOBODY went for that one. I had to go all by myself.

Sometimes the sales staff responds better when you can tell them exactly what you want.

See… I’m altruistic. People say that all the time. I’m assuming they are just saying it in places where I can’t hear them.

For Further Research:

Browsing for something a little less garish? Try The Bellbottom Blog: The Mall. You may learn that before malls, they had the stores located OUTSIDE.*

*I know… I don’t believe it either.

How to Break Glass

Today my friend made me go to a stained glass class. She said it was my idea, but I am pretty sure it was hers. Okay, I AM the one that signed us up, but I am pretty sure she said something about wanting to handle shards of glass with her bare hands. To start us off, the guy who owns the studio, henceforth referred to as “Glass Guy” picks up a panel of glass, describes its inherent glass-like qualities, and says, “Don’t hold it over your head. You will drop it and slice your skull in half.”

“Oh good,” I think, “A death hobby… just what I always wanted.”

These are the panels of glass you do NOT want to be holding over your head. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

After a very long diatribe of the different types of glass we should NEVER use because they are expensive and hard to cut and we have NO idea what we are doing, Glass Guy starts demonstrating the technique for creating a work of art in stained glass. Creating stained glass art turns out to be a little less dignified than I had imagined. It essentially amounts to breaking glass. Okay, the guy did explain he was influencing the glass, but really he was just breaking it.

In case you are interested in creating art, or in controlled vandalism, I will describe for you the steps in making a stained glass piece. First, you make a Mission Impossible style cut in the glass, like you are escaping enemy spies by slicing your way out of a plate glass window. However, the glass cutter doesn’t look like it can actually cut anything. It is more of a glass scraper. Glass Guy demonstrates proper technique by running the tool across the surface of the glass, creating a sound much like fingernails screeching along a chalkboard. He says it is important to apply about 12 pounds of pressure, adding that you can practice on your bathroom scale. He looks busy with his little glass scraper, so I don’t explain to him that I did NOT take this class so I could spend the day with my hands on a bathroom scale.

Then, something incredible happens. I am thinking for sure this panel of shards is about to go shattering everywhere. In fact, I have demonstrated my firm belief of that possibility by moving as far away from the glass wielding man as possible. I hold my breath as Glass Guy grasps the panel with his bare hands, pulls a bit… and snaps it cleanly in half. I’m amazed.

After describing how to not cut off your fingers while breaking shards of glass with your bare hands, Glass Guy proceeds to demonstrate several breaking and shattering techniques, including an impressive move with a tiny hammer that I was positive almost put out an eye.

After the demonstration, he begins the supply list. One of the main aspects of this list is a huge board with other boards nailed or attached to sides of it at right angles. He holds up the huge thing in both hands to demonstrate what the final product should look like. To anyone else, creating this board contraption might be within the realm of possibility, but not for me. I will not be going to the hardware store to obtain or cut wood. I don’t care how simple YOU think that is, it is incredibly complicated for me. Look, I know there is wood at a place somewhere, so getting a slice of wood is not the issue. You see, there are other sections of wood CUSTOM CUT to the first slice of wood. So even if I can find one slice of wood, how do I get the other ones to be the right size? Supposing, by some miracle, I get that far… what are those things holding all that crap together? Screws? Nails? Forget it… I’m out.

After noticing my obvious distress about the board-thing, or perhaps, noticing how my obvious distress is holding up his ability to get his class through the supply list, Glass Guy tells me he will make me one personally. He tells me that I can bring him $11.50 and he will have a board-thing all ready for me. While $11.50 seems an odd price for a bunch of wood nailed together, I am all about throwing money at the problem and readily agree to this solution. I consider asking if I can pay extra to have him paint it for me, as it would be fun to have a nicer board-thing than everyone else in the class.

Glad to have the wooden contraption dilemma behind us, I listen as Glass Guy begins describing the inherent dangers of soldering irons. This one, he holds up an example, you can get for $95. I look at it, impressed. Surely for that price, this thing might not kill me. Then, he begins telling us how this particular model can get too hot and melt or it might just skip the melting and explode. I begin wondering how much it is going to cost me to not explode. He then tells us, that we don’t have to run out and buy soldering irons. He says that we can simply bring the ones we have sitting around at home, along with any extra solder. Great… I thought we already established I don’t have stuff like that lying around. I don’t have plywood, and I definitely don’t have solder. Although, I can’t be too sure, because I haven’t checked the back of the fridge lately… there could conceivably be solder.

At that point, something happens that I least expect… (things are always happening when I least expect them). My friend states to Glass Guy that SHE has 3 or 4 soldering irons and wants to know if she can bring them in. I am about to give her an incredulous stare and say, “Who ARE you???” Instead, I pull myself together and ask her if I could borrow one. If I am going to be holding a device that can kill me, at least I won’t have spent $95 for it.

At long last, and with great anticipation (if by anticipation you mean dread) we finally get to cut something. I mean influence the glass. Fine, I mean break stuff. I am a little apprehensive about breaking panels of glass with my bare hands.

The glass can sense fear, apparently. Who knew?

The fact that Glass Guy has dumped an industrial size box of Band-Aids on our table does NOT instill me with confidence. I’m halfway pissed off that he felt the need to put the crate of Band-Aids on OUR table, and halfway grateful that I won’t have to bleed that far, so I decide not to give him a hard time about it.

The Band-Aids

Glass Guy hands out panels of clear, non-tempered** glass, and some glass cutters and we are on our way. I make a feeble scrape across the glass and look at it unconvincingly. I must be using way less than 12 pounds of pressure. Where is a bathroom scale when you need one? I press a little harder. This time, I am rewarded with a faint screeching sound.

Okay… step two… breaking glass with your bare hands. I take a moment to admire the unscarred nature of my hands, take a deep breath, and then… snap. The glass gives way easily, dividing neatly into two pieces precisely along my cut. I was expecting an inordinate struggle, but the glass was cooperating with me. I almost cry.

This sudden snap in the glass is the only thing that has felt like home to me in days. With glass, there is no uncertainty, no life altering realizations, no thinking in circles. With glass, there is only a score and a snap. I relish the solidity, the feeling of clarity, the very act of working towards something tangible… scoring and snapping puts my mind at ease. With single-minded purpose, I plan, and score, and snap. The surface area of the glass quickly shrinks. Glass Guy, looking a bit surprised, or maybe pleased, brings me more panels.

I almost finished the pattern that Glass Guy gave us to practice with. These shards of glass can either function as art, or zombie weapons. They are quite handy.

Maybe I’m not doomed after all, at least not today. I’ll let you know for sure when I’m wielding the ancient soldering iron my friend remembered she had somewhere in a closet.

Your shirt for the day… I thought you would enjoy wearing something that makes completely no sense out of context.

Side Note:

**It is very important to ONLY use non-tempered glass. Otherwise, you will be driving down the highway and a huge storefront window will come loose from the truck ahead of you, fly up into the air, and explode over your head. Don’t look at me, this came straight from Glass Guy. The world is a dangerous place.

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