New Zealand Snack Food

Today I will critique the snack foods of New Zealand. I know you are thinking that I have little or no qualifications to be a snack food critic, much less a New Zealand snack food critic. However, just because I have no food critiquing experience, have never been to New Zealand, and have done absolutely no research on this topic whatsoever, does not mean I can’t be an expert.

All you have to do to be an expert is talk a lot and eventually someone will believe something you say. For example, Amy (AKA Lucy’s Football), once went on a tour with this tour guide who knew absolutely NOTHING about the history from the historical tour. If you ever find yourself in this situation, all you have to do is ask rhetorical questions about miniscule beds and strange wallpaper. Done.

So… who is ready for an elaborate critique of New Zealand snack food?*

*Don’t answer that, Amy. It is RHETORICAL.

First, I would like to thank @sleepsinhats for the generous donation of New Zealand snack foods which she mailed from New Zealand to my house. Unfortunately, I forgot that everyone on Twitter is an assassin. Wait… is EVERYONE on Twitter an assassin, or just @lahikmajoe? I need to ask Amy to clarify that with her dad.

The selection of treats that will most likely cause my untimely demise.

Now that @sleepsinhats has my address, she can drop by and kill me at any time. However, she will have to come all the way from New Zealand first. And, she will also need a place to stay, so she will probably ask if she can crash on my sofa before she kills me, and then I will be totally on to her. So, if anyone else would like to send me snack food from foreign places and then kill me, that would be great. Just make sure I get the snack food items first. I would hate to be killed for no reason.

Wait… what was it I supposed to be writing here? –death by assassin? -strange wallpaper? oh… yeah… New Zealand snack food.

First, let’s start with the peanut butter chocolate. This stuff is to die for. If you have to be killed for snacks, this one is the way to go… literally the creamiest chocolate thing I have ever had. If you are having New Zealand assassins mail you snacks anyway, I highly recommend the peanut butter chocolate.

Next, chocolate covered kiwi. I would classify this treat as green goo encased in a chocolate shell. They remind me of chocolate covered cherries, except with kiwi. I assume there is actually kiwi in there someplace. I had three of these, and it was difficult to locate the kiwi. I may have to step up the research.

The next snack food item is the chicken chips. This was actually the main point of the entire endeavor as I needed strange chip bags to display at work. What else do people do at work besides collect chip bags?

Notice the bag states the chips are chicken flavored, but they are clearly made of penguin. Look… the penguin is RIGHT THERE on the potato chip. Of course, he is a lot less killed and ground up in the picture than he is while settling in on your crisps, but you get the point.

I tried the chicken chips, and they aren’t bad. They actually taste a bit like you are eating potato chips and chicken soup all at the same time. I wonder if people could eat these chips if they have a cold. It might be easier than having an entire bowl of chicken soup. You could actually market these chips in the cold and flu aisle, right next to the TheraFlu and the echinacea. Of course, you would have to take the penguin off. No one ever heard of eating penguin soup when you are under the weather.

As a special thanks to @sleepsinhats for the New Zealand snack food items, I am creating this special t-shirt. You can wear it when you come to visit so I will recognize you.

On further reflection, if you are on Twitter at all you should be wearing this t-shirt. We all might be assassins. Don’t think you aren’t just because you haven’t assassinated anyone yet. It is only Tuesday.

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All of this hardly seems necessary.

29 Responses to New Zealand Snack Food

  1. elaine4queen says:

    although i admire and applaud your lack of merchandise IN GENERAL i think this time you have hit upon A THING.

    no matter how funny i have thought your t shirts were i have never wanted one…. til now.

    • That’s what Zazzle is for, isn’t it?

      • elaine4queen says:

        it is indeed. and i think it works really well for the bloggess, for example. i’d have a zazzle myself if i had something to zazzle about. if this stuff had been around when i was younger i would have been all over it.

        what pleases me though, about @lgalaviz’s product is that it LOOKS like you can buy something BUT YOU CAN’T! which i think is rather wonderful.

        • lgalaviz says:

          I’m afraid if the shirts actually existed, it wouldn’t be as funny. Do I want to have shirts, or be funny? I’m so incredibly torn.

          • elaine4queen says:

            i feel your pain.

            it is a lot funnier without being able to buy them. it’s like the art world – for some artists, having a bunch of merchandising is a natural extension of their work, and for others it would negate what they stand for or undermine the work in some way. one way you could monetize without producing t shirts is to publish an actual t shirt catalog based on the blog – one which it is also impossible to buy the shirts from.

  2. Roxie says:

    Penguin; New Zealander for chicken! And possibly Blue Bird.

  3. Roxie says:

    Oh, and Laura Ledford is the internet assassin.

  4. I seem to remember having eaten chicken crisps once or twice. As you said, they’re not bad. Never had any kiwi or peanut butter chocolate, though. I have however had salty licorice chocolate and it is the most awesome of all chocolates*.

    * You are required to enjoy salty licorice in order to appreciate salti licorice chocolate. But everyone already does, surely?

  5. Here are the rules on internet assassining, per Dad:

    –only @lahikmajoe is officially an assassin.
    –@heinakroon is officially a spy.
    –the rest of you are just garden-variety stalker-murderers. Who might also kidnap if you have free time.

    I can’t throw my support behind penguin crisps because I like penguins a lot. I don’t think I’d like to eat penguins. It would make me sad. I would, however, like that peanut butter chocolate. I like anything with peanut butter. Including just plain peanut butter.

    We need to start a Twitter campaign for people to send you foreign snack foods. This was really a brilliant idea. How does one start a Twitter campaign? It sounds exhausting and like hashtags might be involved, doesn’t it?

  6. Rich Crete says:

    Penguin Scallopini is way yummy, but I’ve never tried the crisps. (Is North America the only continent calling them chips?)

  7. I love the idea of a twitter campaign to send you snackfoods! That is freaking brilliant!

    I’m trying to think if there are snackfoods I can send you from Palm Springs, but there really aren’t. If I still lived in Sedona, I would have lots of cactus oriented things to send. Here? Not so much.

    (The peanut butter things look really good to me and now I really want chocolate covered salty licorice.)

  8. Gigi says:

    I’m so confused. WHY are they called chicken flavored when obviously they are made out of penguin…..AND people are actually hunting penguins? And crisps not chips? Apparently, I need more wine.

    Oh, and I ALWAYS think “Well. it’s Tuesday (or whatever day) and I haven’t killed anyone YET….so it must be a good day.”

  9. Blogdramedy says:

    That penguin is neither a bluebird or a chicken. I think you should fly to New Zealand immediately and demand restitution for those chicken chips you didn’t pay for.

    PS I want that tee. In a small, please. I have some penguin-flavored chips from Iceland so we can swap.

  10. MsDarkstar says:

    Well, if you were to ask SOME people on the Internet they would probably tell you I am some horribly scary person but Lisa has actually met me in person and I didn’t even murder her a little bit.

    Of course, I didn’t have exotic snack foods to offer her, either.

    I think some people on the internet are just WAY too uptight about the possibility of being murdered by other people from the internet. You probably meet hundreds of people EVERY YEAR who are on the internet on the daily and you don’t even know it. And if you are reading this, you PROBABLY aren’t murdered.

    However, I’d wear the ‘Twitter Assassin’ shirt in the interest of full disclosure. Just because I haven’t offed anyone yet doesn’t, I suppose, completely preclude me from doing so in the future. I even have a notebook I ordered from The Bloggess’ Zazzle store http://www.zazzle.com/youve_made_my_list_notebook-130356669116786281
    That says “People to Kill” on it. There’s nothing currently written in the notebook, though.

    I’m reasonably certain that anyone who is afraid of/freaked out by me would never be able to pick me out in a crowd as “the freak from the Internet”.

    Anyhow, penguin chips sound vaguely disturbing yet oddly tasty. And chocolate peanutbutter candy sounds divine. I heard that there are now peanut butter Oreos, which, if true, is probably why the apocalypse will eventually happen… weren’t peanut butter Oreos one of those harbingers of the apocalypse from the Bible? I may be confused, I’ll have to do some research and get back to you…

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