Accomplishing Valentine’s Day
February 1, 2012 28 Comments
In the spirit of the self-help t-shirt line, I am going to offer you t-shirts that will help you through Valentine’s Day… whether you like it, or not. I mean, whether you like Valentine’s Day, or not. Not if you like my t-shirts. How would you even know if you like them or not, you can’t even see them because they don’t exist. In the spirit of full disclosure, I should let you know these shirts will not be having pictures of hearts and teddy bears. These are not those kinds of Valentine shirts. These are way more practical.
As you may or may not be aware, Valentine’s Day is typically the required day for men who are mating (or hoping to mate) to woo their woman (or women) of interest with expensive, but essentially useless gifts, like beautiful flowers and shiny diamonds (for more information on shiny things, see Heinakroon.com). Well, I shouldn’t describe all of these items as useless. Diamonds are actually quite good for drill bits, but no girl wants to get a drill for Valentine’s Day. Except maybe that lesbian who tried to beat up @lucysfootball outside the video store. She would probably love one. But she might beat you up, so I wouldn’t mention it.
For the Valentine’s Day Renouncers
Enough about lesbian drill bits, it is time to help you with your Valentine situation. First, let’s assume you hate Valentine’s Day. I have learned from vegans that if you don’t want to do something, the best strategy is to pick a moral high ground then use it to tell everyone else they are doing all the wrong things. If you don’t want to eat meat, for example, you should explain to everyone with a slab of dead animal on their plate how they can get all the protein they need from tofu. Deep inside you will know that even though the carnivores are staring at you, and still chewing bacon, they truly appreciate your conviction.
Let’s apply this tactic to Valentine’s Day. If all the flowers at the office annoy you either because of the constant interruption they create, or simply because no one is sending you any, take the moral high ground. Here is your t-shirt and sample rant:
Why are you people killing flowers just to display them on their desks for a few days? Has anyone even considered the serious abuse of these flowers? You have dozens of helpless plants slowly dying in front of you and all you care about is checking your email! Those flowers were outside growing happily, until someone slit their stems and stuck them in a vase under fluorescent lighting. Is this how you would want to be treated? There are roses out there growing thorns to protect themselves. THORNS! You should be ashamed.
For Valentine’s Day Participants
If you want the entire Valentine’s Day experience, you should take steps to ensure that all items required for your Valentine happiness are secured well in advance. Don’t put yourself in the position of telling your significant other that nothing is wrong while you cry and hold your Valentine’s Day bowling ball. A lot of problems can be avoided by setting the right expectations.
Things to Purchase Me for Valentine’s Day:
Simply check off which of the standard Valentine Gifts you would like to receive, and let the shirt do the work for you. It is so much easier than dropping subtle hints. Subtle hints can be totally ignored. No one can ignore this t-shirt (I’m making the font really big).
There it is… another holiday crisis solved. Everyone enjoy your chocolates and/or moral indignation. You’re Welcome!