Originally posted on Lucy’s Football:

So last night was Sarcastic Movie Night. Which you know, if you follow me on Twitter. You probably wanted to kick me in the head last night, actually, if you follow me on Twitter. SORRY. Sarcastic Movie Night! Only fun for people participating!

Here’s the genesis of Sarcastic Movie Night. I tweeted a while ago about whipped cream vodka, which I’d had in a mixed drink out one night with my friend C. The drink tasted like an alcoholic Dreamsicle, and was amazing. If I remember correctly, the food was not so amazing, but who cares! Alcoholic Dreamsicle! @lgalaviz and I started talking about whipped cream vodka, and she came up with the idea of how much fun it would be to watch a movie and make fun of it while drinking whipped cream vodka. WELL. I am never one to back down from a challenge. Well, no, that’s a…

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How to Confront your Fears

I would like to help all of you confront your fears, mainly to make up for the overly sciency nature of that quantum physics post. Especially after I mangled it all to hell and left out most of the actual facts. Did you know that Albert Einstein wore his socks inside out? I don’t actually know this to be a fact, but if it is, I left it out. I’m totally unreliable.

Now that I have sufficiently proven my unreliability, let’s get to helping you with your serious life issues. Since I don’t know what your fears are, we can start by confronting mine. By ‘confronting,’ I mean writing them down in a blog and then doing nothing about them.

Fear 1. Flying Alone

It isn’t really spending time at high speeds flying through the air that concerns me. I don’t like figuring out the airport. I never know what to do at any given time and crack easily under pressure. Security is no place for me to be. The high anxiety dance of taking off shoes, opening a lap top, and placing all the carry-on crap into plastic bins with the rush of people behind me doing the same pushes my blood pressure to a dangerous level. Even after all that, you still have to figure out where to go to get on the right plane.

When you finally make it on the right plane, you have to sit next to some random person. As if that isn’t enough, there is always the risk that person will want to chat with you. It is important to get headphones on as quickly as possible. Don’t worry if they aren’t plugged into anything, you can fix that later. Just wear the headphones all the time. Better yet, here is a shirt:

When you get off the plane, you have to negotiate more transportation to where ever it is you hope to end up. Rental cars, taxis, shuttles, and trains may be available. If you miss any of these, you will fall through the cracks and be trapped in transit forever. I’m pretty sure this is how people end up begging on the street for coins.

Fear 2. Eating

I can’t eat a proper meal in a public place by myself. I would rather just starve. For some reason, dining alone at a table makes me feel like people are staring at me thinking how socially awkward I must be not to be able to find someone to consume food with. While traveling alone, I tend to carry around a lot of granola bars. If you see someone sitting on a sidewalk somewhere begging for change while eating their last granola bar, that is probably me.  I must have missed my shuttle.

Fear 3. Automatic Car Washes

I keep telling myself that anyone of average intelligence can handle themselves in these automated car washes. There are lights that tell you to stop and go, and people motioning when you need to drive up and put your car in neutral. I am still terrified. I get things wrong all the time. Apparently, I need double the amount of explaining for a simple task that an average person. I don’t just need to know what to do, I need to know why. I need to know what will happen if I screw this up.

Running a large motored device through a small space with moving equipment does not seem like a thing I would be good at. There is a large percentage chance I will do something wrong that will directly result in my crashing my car inadvertently into the car wash. Then, I will be stuck in the car wash. My car will be stuck there too.  My broken car and I will be in the broken car wash, stranded there for everyone to mock for all eternity. I will just stick with the dust. Thanks anyway.

I hope you enjoyed confronting these fears. Now that the fears have been confronted, we can all go through our days not eating, and driving filthy cars while avoiding air travel. We will be so happy.

How to Solve Problems with Internet Piracy

Today, I felt the need to steal as much Internet as possible before the SOPA kicks in. I did post a Goofy t-shirt with an image I stole from the Disney Company, but they haven’t come after me for it yet. I have been listening for the sirens all day. I need to find victims a little closer at hand.

My blog doesn’t have any good pictures in it. Ken has a blog (lahikmajoe) with wonderful pictures in it. He is actually quite the photographer. So, I decided to steal some pictures from Ken’s blog. Imagine my disappointment when I get to his blog with the specific goal of stealing pictures, and all he has on there is some car that apparently had a run in with a slab of meat. I’m trying to STEAL things here. Very disappointing!

So then I think to myself, I will go to Jamie’s blog (I Thought This Would Be Easier). Her entire blog is beautiful, maybe I can lift the whole thing. When I arrive at Jamie’s blog, I realize that there is a blog post about an actual car IN a meat market. But, guess what… she has no picture! I think I see what needs to be done here.

Dear Jamie… here is your missing photograph from the car in the meat market:
where to store your meat « lahikmajoe

windscreen meat

Dear Ken… here is your missing explanation for the meat windshield:
There’s a whole CAR in the meat market!! « I Thought This Would Be Easier

THE BIG ASS BLUE JEEP SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ALL THE ACTION. CRAPS. Epic fail.

Enjoy your stolen Internets. I feel like freaking ROBIN HOOD! Yea me!

SOPA

Uh oh... I'm an Internet Pirate

I got this image from Google and put it up through WordPress. The Disney Company is VERY serious about this whole copyright thing. Don’t go painting Mickey and Donald on your daycare wall. They will make you take it down. I can feel them out there looking for me now.

Dear SOPA… do you know who else censors the Internet? Communist China, that’s who. They do, right? It is really hard to look this stuff up with Wikipedia down.

Quantum Weirdness

Most people who write scientific documents start off by letting you know you are in good hands. They will tell you all about their experience, education, and expertise in order to explain why you can safely read whatever it is they have produced. I am going to start this off by letting you know that you are not in good hands. You are not safe, and it is highly likely I will carelessly drop you at any point during this process. Not only am I highly under-qualified, I am not even researching the subject matter properly. I am going to give you a bunch of half-facts I have running around in my brain from reading books written by quantum physicists and books written by hippies.

I have read the books with the math in them. Those are the practical ones, the ones with the strange looking numbers that don’t even look like numbers. I can put some of those numbers in here if it makes you feel better. In fact… here you go:

This is the uncertainty principle. Wear this, and everyone with think you are a genius. No, I don’t know what it means. Just make something up.

 

Even the practical books recognize something strange is going on here.  The very practical books tend to gloss over it and move on to something else. On the other side of the scale, you have people who say “quantum physics” then tell you to get a vision board because you can control things with your mind. Respected quantum physicists hold this side of the spectrum in extreme disregard. Even I have to admit that some of these people have certainly taken concepts and ran with them… really far. What the Bleep do We Know? and The Secret come to mind. I am automatically suspicious when information has to first be relayed in the form of a movie. There are also books, but those have too many pictures and too nice of a font. Everyone knows that all the real information is buried in tiny font next to obscure math that no one can understand.

If you slide even further down the scale, there is some woman who channels spirits. This is going way too far.  I want the world to be mystical, but not hippie-flake mystical. I will leave all of this up to you to decide. Here is the realm of quantum physics community as I see it. I have charted it for you and everything.

Now, onward to the whole quantum weirdness thing… I will present the concepts in the way I remember them. I don’t want to start looking up a lot of facts, because I will get distracted or bored and never finish this. That is what happened yesterday. You almost lost me today because I started looking at Richard Feynman quotes. Thus, the facts are secondary.  If you get confused or disoriented, go over to Heinakroon.com. Maybe Andreas can help you out.

The world is made up of all these tiny little particles called protons, electrons, and some other names. These particles are supposed to be solid but they are not. They are clouds of probability. The world is tricking you into believing it is really there. The minute you put your hand on something, the cloud solidifies beneath your fingertips, conveniently deciding to be there. The fact that these particles are little clouds of being everywhere at once is very disconcerting, mainly because I just got a new office chair. If this chair dissolves into a probably cloud, I am going to be pissed.

My new office chair

 

Also, these particles are really waves. You can shoot them out one at a time through this gadget in a double slit experiment. When you aren’t looking at them, they are waves, like light waves. When you look at them, they suddenly solidify. I imagine if they have faces they have a slightly guilty look as if they almost got caught being waves. “Oh, I was a solid thing all along,” they are probably saying.

Schrödinger tried to tell everyone that all this stuff doesn’t matter because it really doesn’t play out in real life. He made this thought experiment with a cat in a death trap and then got really pissed off because people got all fascinated by it. That is what you get Schrödinger, for bringing cats into it. This other guy put an actual person into the thought experiment, and no one even remembers him.

Einstein was upset about the probability clouds too. His whole goal of science was to study the universe to see the mind of God. When he found out God was playing dice with it, he was very dissatisfied. Personally, I knew God was messing with us the whole time. However, these particles that don’t even have the decency to really exist are admittedly a little hard to take. You can’t just be everywhere at once and then pop suddenly into place. It is highly irresponsible.

Some scientists think that all the particles pop into every possibility and that we are the irresponsible ones. They suggest that for every one of those possibilities, there is a parallel reality. When we see the particle pop into it, that becomes the reality one we are in. Therefore, it isn’t the particles that decide where to be, it is us. We are the ones dashing recklessly off into parallel universes.

Expanding this concept into everyday ordinary-sized world, just flip a coin. Did you flip it? Congratulations. You are in a new universe. The coin always lands on both sides, you see, following every possibility. It wasn’t the coin that moved: it was you. We split apart into a multitude of parallel universes every time there is more than one possible outcome. Multiple versions of yourself are looking at each outcome of the cloud of possibility you created by dropping that coin. So, if you want to stop splitting into infinite possibilities, quit flipping coins.

So, there you have it: quantum weirdness in a nutshell. Andreas is right, there are enough people holding reality together that we don’t really have to worry too much about it.** Besides, it isn’t as if the moon would cease to exist if there was no one looking at it. However, you should probably take the time to glance at it once in a while, just to be sure. I can’t because I’m too busy worrying about my office chair.

**Go to:  Save Schrödinger’s Cat  for actual facts about this topic or to save a cat… whichever.

How to Watch an Iconic Movie

Someday, very soon, @lucysfootball and I will watch a beloved American classic and mock it on the Twitter. While you might think that we are trailblazers of social media, the main goal of this experiment is really about the vodka.**

The movie is Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I remember liking this movie, but haven’t seen it for quite some time. I recently revisited the movie on NetFlix. Audrey Hepburn is cute. That is something on which we can all agree. After that, everything pretty much falls apart.

Before going any further, I would like to clear up a few things. First, I don’t consider myself to be a moral person. I don’t need to constantly pass judgment or delineate every action into black in white in order to function in the world.  Second, I am not easily offended. Okay, I am very easily offended but mainly by people who wear too much cologne. If you aren’t wearing too much cologne and while you are serial killing or riding naked on your bike, you are fine. Knock yourself out.

That said, within ten minutes of watching this presumably innocuous movie, I am all kinds of judgy and offended. We don’t really need the Asian gentleman portrayed with buckteeth hitting his head on all the round paper lanterns while yelling, “Miss Go-right-ree!” It just isn’t necessary. Plus, Audrey Hepburn… you are just going to pop in the window of some random stranger’s apartment in your bathrobe because your date is crazy? Really? This isn’t how things are done. The one thing that would this movie better is if the characters would smoke more. I’m sick of all of them. They need to develop emphysema as quickly as possible. And, one more thing, I don’t care how cute you are, you just can’t go around naming everyone ‘Fred.’ It is stupid and annoying. Also, ukuleles are stupid too. There, I said it.

I spent the entire movie wishing he would say this. He never does.

Wow. That was a lot more than I expected to write about the movie. I hope I didn’t burn up all my rants because I am really looking forward to watching it with  @lucysfootball. At first she was hesitant, but I think she is going to be way better at making snide Twitter comments during the movie than I will be.

Enough about the movie, let’s talk vodka…whipped cream vodka. It comes highly recommended. I don’t actually possess my bottle as of yet, but I have a firm goal set to obtain it. There is also some sort of Swedish Fish Vodka. I don’t want to risk the possibly of the vodka not being made from the candy Swedish Fish, but actual fish from Sweden. I will not be getting this vodka. @whoremongers said she has never actually tried smoked salmon vodka, but that she would never try it again. She sounded pretty shook up about the experience of never of trying it, so it must be pretty bad. Therefore, all fish related vodka is out of the question. Don’t even bring it up.

Probably no one will offer you fish vodka, but you can't be too careful.

If anyone would like to join us in watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s while making Tweet remarks and drinking whipped cream vodka, feel free to join us. It is currently available to watch instantly through NetFlix. We will set a time. We may not set it conveniently or with any type of advance notice, so be on alert. Also, you will need a bottle of whipped cream vodka. We probably won’t be able to show up in person to see if you physically have the vodka, but we can tell, so don’t lie. Also, don’t forget we have hammers.

**I finished exactly this much of the blog before my mom loudly mispronounces “kimchi” and tells me I have the weirdest things in my fridge. Then, my dad comes over with a thumbdrive of all the pictures he took of my kid’s birthday party and asks if I want to look at them. He points out the thumbdrive on my desk several times as if the main issue in not jumping at the chance to look at images of kids eating cake is my lack of awareness of the thumbdrive location. Simultaneously, my kid comes over to demonstrate his newly constructed marshmallow weaponry. The marshmallows shooting out of the tube seem oddly nonchalant of their predicament.

I don’t know what it is about this computer that attracts people within thirty seconds of me sitting down to type at it. If anyone out there is lonely, I will sell you this computer. Of course, it may not solve all your problems. Instead of a sexy person with smoldering eyes telling you what a brilliant blog you are writing, it will most likely attract people who are well intentioned, but very loud. Yeah, no one wants this computer. I am certain of it.

Well, I gotta go. People are looking for pickles and everyone is certain I am the only one who can find them. In the meantime, looking forward to movie and vodka night.

How to Get a Hobby

It is extremely important to have a hobby because at some point in your life, someone is going to ask you what hobbies you have. If you don’t have at least a small hobby, it is like you don’t exist. You have to be involved in stuff. You can’t just go around typing things into Twitter all day like it is some sort of purpose in life.

As an added incentive, your hobby will be the basis for people to decide how interesting you are. Ideally, you will have a hobby ready at hand that will make you appear more interesting than you actually are. You need to decide what this hobby will be well ahead of the question because it is hard to think of these things on the fly. If you don’t plan ahead, you are going to come up with something stupid like dog walking or eating potato chips.

Let’s get things started with a list of acceptable hobbies. Here are some authentic hobbies that I researched on Twitter.

Scrapbooking

I know you are worried starting out that you might not have enough scraps, but @sup3rmom informs me that they will share their scraps with you, as long as you bring your own wine. I like things where you can go to have wine, so I am already mostly on board with this one.

Dramatic Paper Ripping

@blogginglily suggested dramatic paper ripping. He is also willing to give lessons. If enough people are interested, maybe we can work out a discount.

Oolong Monkey Training

@lahikmajoe suggested Oolong monkey training, but Alura’s CrossWorlds Cafe and I both know that Teavana is never going to break down and tell us where they are hiding the monkeys.

Hooking

This is actually not what you are thinking. According to @ToujoursPurSang, this is alternate term for ‘crochet.’ Sure, you can use the term ‘crochet’ but you appear much more interesting if you tell people you are a ‘hooker’ or into ‘hooking.’

Hooking is a very productive hobby that results in lots of scarves, pot-holders, and sweaters. You could even make steering wheel cozies. Those are VERY popular. The negative side of this hobby is that people may not perceive it as interesting. After they figure out that when you said you ‘spend a lot of time hooking’ is that you are making stuff out of yarn, your hobby might fail to hold a their interest.

Blog Commenting

According to @MsCreatrix, writing really long comments counts as a valid hobby. As an added bonus, that is something I am already doing. However, very much like the hooking, this plan fails to make you more interesting. It might make you very interesting to bloggers probably, but no one else. There is also the added danger that after the hobby discussion, you end up with a guy that smells like soup making you read his blog about greenhouses. You can’t go around announcing stuff about blogs without expecting repercussions.

Hiking

I got this hiking hobby comment via text message, the very text message discussion in which someone asked about my hobbies. This person obviously does not know me very well. I panicked and said my hobby was potato chips. I regret now that I did not say Cheetos. This is exactly why it is so important to plan these things out in advance.

What is it about hiking? Isn’t hiking just walking around? Sure, the surfaces are uneven and the view is usually nicer that view you get from the parking lot as you scurry to your car, but you really aren’t doing anything terribly out of the ordinary. You could even say your hobby is looking at stuff. Hiking makes it sound more awesome than it really is.

This shirt is in case you want outside suggestions apart from those in this blog. (I know, why WOULD you.)

I propose we do a thought experiment. Let’s take something you are already doing and make it not only into a hobby, but an impressive one. I’m going to go with potato chips. Potato chips will make a wonderful hobby, and not just because I’m already committed to it from some ill-thought text message.

Consulting the hive mind**, I send my hobby related chip skills out to Twitter and let my minions get to work. At first, prospects looked dim.  @lahikmajoe questioned whether eating potato chips was a proper hobby. I was about to throw up my hands in despair when @_viouslymaggie saved the day by suggesting I take up watching too many series. This idea is brilliant in that I will have people to talk to and it “goes well with crisps.” See, @lahikmajoe, THAT is how you give a suggestion.

Then, @debihen made a proposal that was absolutely inspired. She said that if I find a chip shaped like Jesus, I could put it in a museum with my name on a plaque. I always like to go the extra mile, so I think I will make my own potato chip museum. People find Jesus on toast and tortillas all the time. How difficult could he be to locate famous people on chips? I already may have my hands on a Justin Bieber.

I got all excited about adding an educational science wing to my museum when @heinakroon suggested Darwin or Planck chips. Then, much to my disappointment, he admitted to not actually having the chips shaped like these individuals. Thanks for NOTHING, @heinakroon. Not to worry, though. The museum project is still on track. @ivycanucchi is buying chips today at the market and is fairly optimistic about finding a Jim Morrison or a Frank Sinatra chip. I’m hoping for Morrison.

**I think Lucy’s Football is responsible for coining the term ‘hive mind’ in reference to Twitter, but I don’t remember exactly. I would really appreciate if someone could go read the entirety of Lucy’s Football blog in order to provide a link to the actual statement. Thanks.

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