December 31, 2011 11 Comments
As the year ends, people seem to be writing lists of blogs they read. However, this can be perilous. As Lucysfootball so aptly puts it in “My mom says I’m a catch; I’m popular,” a favorite blogs of 2011 post would, “end up like the one time I tried to do #FF on Twitter. If you’re not on Twitter, you don’t know about #FF. #FF is Follow Friday. You type in someone’s name you think your followers should follow, and hopefully they listen to you. But it becomes like a popularity contest, and people get their noses bent out of joint if they’re not #FF’d, or if others are #FF’d instead of them, and the one time I tried it I failed SO MISERABLY I have been hiding under my #FF rock ever since.”
Since I don’t even have a #FF rock, I had better not go there. So I will not at all explain to you which blogs I read and why. After all, this blog is a self-help guide. How am I going to help you help yourself if I am going on and on about what blogs I enjoy reading? Therefore, I am going to give you an entire self-improvement guide. For FREE. Ready?
1. Improve your life by learning about tea with @lahikmajoe.
Read Lahikmajoe’s tea blog and you will never think about Oolong leaves or bergamot oil the same way again. So go there, and start appreciating tea immediately.
Now we are all done with tea, I have to admit that my favorite posts on his tea blogs were actually the ones that had the least to do about tea. Therefore, I was absolutely THRILLED when Lahikmajoe started his new Dachshund Blog. You can read endearing dachshund stories here all day long. They save lives and they throw up chocolate. There is no end to the delight a dachshund can bring to your day. Plus, if you tire of reading about dachshunds (what kind of person ARE you???) you can read about beer songs from Texas, poop mail, and, of course, mad people on trains.
2. Be more sciency with @heinakroon.
To me, this blog is like one of those people who comes in and organizes all the clutter in your brain so that you can actually find stuff. They have people like that, right?
At Heinakroon.com, you can learn the science behind zombies and find how why your Christmas tree can’t kill you. Or maybe it can kill you, just not by poisoning you. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention you can become a vampire lesbian.
I particularly love this blog, because Andreas Heinakroon writes about things I spend a lot of time thinking about. There is actually only one small difference in the way we operate. I often wonder why people are obsessed with dieting or worried about zombies, but then I go off to look at shiny stuff or work on my martini recipe. Andreas thinks about these things, then he researches and writes stuff down in an organized fashion. After reading his blog, you will see the world in a whole new way. Just don’t get upset if he compares you to a primate.
3. Learn a new language with @lucysfootball.
Reading Lucy’s Football is what it feels like to ride a rollercoaster while laughing your head off. Then the rollercoaster jumps the tracks and goes flying dramatically off course and you have no idea if you are still on the same rollercoaster or if you are on a different type of ride all together. You don’t know if you will be safe and children could very well be in extreme danger, but you are still laughing your head off and you don’t even care. That is what it is like.
An added bonus to this blog is the fact that Amy doesn’t even stick to words in the English language. It isn’t that she isn’t familiar with the language. She is an eloquent writer. I think it is that the words and phrases that have been already invented are too limiting. If Webster had any vision at all, the words douchecanoe, douchecanoey, and asshat would already be in the dictionary.
There are also very interesting phrases that she will often highlight for your convenience in all capital letters. Phrases like BUCKING BRONCO OF BROKENNESS and my own personal favorite, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON DING DONG JOE.
All this considered, Amy is an altruist at heart, providing helpful guidelines for those of you confused by social media or laundry room etiquette. Just a hint, keeping your pants on is generally a good idea under most circumstances.
4. Take up cannibalism with @plumsauce10.
It is important when taking up a new hobby like cannibalism that you understand the social implications. For example, when you have cake, and a friend, which do you eat first? It is handy to know these things before such a situation presents itself.
The rules essentially break down to this:
“Don’t eat friends when there is cake” and “Only eat one friend a day so as not to piss off your significant other.”
But, just as with anything else, there are subtleties involved with cannibalism, as well as cholesterol considerations, so you should probably read the entire thing.
5. Spice up your wardrobe with @handflapper.
If you have never been Baby Depot wearing a FUCKING BELLS T-shirt, your life is poorer for it. If you do plan on having a FUCKING BELLS T-Shirt Outing, be ready for a grand adventure. You should also be ready for people to under-react to your t-shirt. People are so de-sensitized these days. I blame Mel Gibson. Also, bring a better photographer than Alice. Alice was extremely uncooperative. You can’t just run in for crazy meds without even taking a picture of the Salvation Army guy, Alice. Especially after you were promised tater crowns.
So that is it. Enjoy your new and improved life in 2012. Hurry and enjoy it now before we die because the Mayans forgot to finish their damn calendar. You’re welcome.