Halloween Costume Series: Drug Addict
October 19, 2011 11 Comments
On seeing the title of this post, you are probably thinking: What kind of costume is this where I either admit to being, or suddenly become, a drug addict? Drug addiction is a serious issue and not a laughing matter!
Well, relax. I am not suggesting that you go out buy rows of cocaine or start a meth lab. I mean, if you feel you need to do these things to make the shirt more convincing so you can win some sort of misguided Halloween contest, there is nothing I can do to stop you. Just know that it is a bad idea.
What I am suggesting is that you become addicted to drugs you do not have to make for yourself in a lab or buy from guys in the street. I don’t think I could help you buy drugs in the street anyway. I have walked around on streets quite a bit and no one has ever offered to sell me drugs.
I am probably missing the drug vendors because I am too distracted trying to navigate crosswalks and not get hit by cars. You see, I live in Texas, and you are not supposed to walk anywhere in Texas. People know this, so they are in their huge SUVs and four-door trucks, ready and willing to take you out for the slightest misstep. If I wasn’t so worried about dying, I’m sure I would be able to focus better on which of my fellow pedestrians are selling the drugs.
In the meantime, I have decided to become addicted to Claritin D. I have become quite good at skulking around the pharmacy. Then, when the time is right, with shifty eyes and a quiet tone, I ask the pharmacist to get my drugs from behind the counter. While I admit that my daring adventures may seem exciting, in reality, the life of a drug addict is fraught with hardship. Withdrawal symptoms for my addiction include watery eyes and get ready for it…. the dreaded phlegm. If you are smart, you won’t come to my intervention. I’ll be going through a lot of Kleenex and it won’t be pretty.
This shirt is in case you decided NOT to follow my advice, and you went ahead with the meth lab. I like to think I am open-minded about these things.
UPDATE: If you have indeed decided to start your own meth lab, I am including a link to an article by Bill Rempel, author and award-winning journalist (NO, I am NOT making this up… this guy actually has credentials. You should be honored to be reading my well-informed blog. Well, not honored, relieved maybe, that you have not completely wasted your time).
The article, “7 Secrets of a Highly Efficient Criminal Organization,” contains everything you need to know for all your meth lab related activities. Through his investigation of Columbia’s Cali drug cartel, Bill reveals sage advice like the importance of buying a good reputation. He doesn’t mention how much a really good one costs, but what do you care? You are making money hand over fist with your meth lab. Also, did you know you can look innocent simply by driving a Mazda??? No one ever tells me these things!
The last bit of advice is to “Always have a Plan B.” My Plan B is to have someone set up to pay for my snacks in jail. I hear they are really expensive.