How to Create Your Own Reality

I have a friend on Facebook who posts things like YouTube videos entitled, I am: A Journey to Enlightenment. I would like to watch this video so I can inform you more accurately of its contents. But when I say I would like to watch it, I actually mean I would NOT like to watch it. Maybe I would like for you to think that I would like to watch it. Don’t worry. I can describe it to you without watching it. There is a picture of the ocean. Across the picture of the ocean is the sentence “You are Life itself pulsating in this dimension.” There. That is as far as I will go. If you want to know more, Google flaky YouTube videos about enlightenment. I’m sure it will pop right up for you.
Now that you have a clear background description of my friend based on her taste in YouTube videos I refuse to watch, I will get to the point of my post. My friend, and apparently the majority of the people posting on her page, believes that you create your own reality in your mind.
If this reality creation thing has any legs at all, wearing this shirt will make annoying people instantly disappear.
I have tried to seriously consider the concept, but I really don’t think I am creative enough to come up with some of this stuff. If I make my own reality, why would I put someone in my workplace to talk about building his own greenhouse all of the time? In my reality, Johnny Depp would be at my office reading me a phone book. I am pretty sure that is how I would have constructed it. Unless I created this reality a while back and I was lazy. I just threw in anyone. The Reality Planner was probably right there but I was all distracted and trying to get the whole thing over with so I could go back to writing my blog.

Reality Planner: What should people do all day in your reality?
Me: I don’t know. What are my choices?
Reality Planner: You could have people live in bubbles in the sky under rainbows and they could fly around on magic unicorns. Or you could have people go to a building with grey half-walls constructed around desks where they will sit and stare at screens while typing.
Me: Whatever, that wall thing. That sounds fine.

This would also explain that guy from Pakistan who came in from lunch the other day totally fascinated with the combo menu from Taco Bell. I could never have come up with that on my own.

Reality Planner:
How about a Pakistan guy who loves Taco Bell?

Me: What is Taco Bell?
Reality Planner: It could be this place where people drive up in their cars to get handed tacos with artificial meat.
Me: Great, yeah. I’ll take like a million of those. Can I go now?

Side Note:
Why do I not want to watch a YouTube video about enlightenment? Do I not want to be enlightened? Can I be enlightened without watching a homemade video with a picture of the ocean? That seems like really boring path. I need instant enlightenment. Maybe something I can hear on the radio. Or… I know… a tea! Lahikmajoedrinkstea will know which tea will lead to enlightenment. Right? And please don’t tell me to drink it while I am watching a YouTube video with a picture of the ocean, because I am not doing that.



Research Links:

To research tea enlightenment, go to lahikmajoedrinkstea.

For further information on how Facebook is full of a bunch of people that you are inconvenienced by actually knowing, go to Vive le Nerd to read a lovely rant on your right to Vulgarity

If you are disconcerted because you are now wondering why the reality you constructed really sucks ass, go
Shouts from the Abyss for a read from a self-proclaimed negativity guru about his boss. Your reality will automatically be better by comparison.

Please feel free to leave any comments about how to construct your own reality below. I obviously need some pointers. Keep in mind that links to flaky YouTube videos will be ignored.

How to Create Drama in your Life and Workplace

A while back, we celebrated National Drama Day. On this day, I requested everyone get pissy about something irrelevant, yell at someone, and report back in. Some of you handled this task more successfully than others.

Next time, let’s all wear t-shirts!
@tcrowe77 set out to accomplish Drama Day with the best intentions, but eventually had to point out: “Hating that my coworker pushes that thermostat to 73 when it should ALWAYS be on 72 is relevant!” I tend to agree.

@gingerblaze participated by eloquently stating, “Why Does Guy On Train HAVE to Talk On His Phone At All?” People on phones are an excellent, and unending, resource for Drama Day.

@debihen expressed her frustration with pedicure issues, “I am irritated that my pedicure chipped. I suspect this will ruin my whole day.” While this seems like a perfectly valid drama day statement, the inherent problem lies in the fact that there is no one to yell at. Both the thermostat and obnoxious guy on phone situations incorporated a focus for yelling, and everyone knows that really good drama requires yelling. This is the reason why I had to yell at @debihen for messing up Drama Day. After all, I have to set a good example. 

To avoid this type of situation in the future, lets take a moment to go over a few Drama Day basics:


No matter the problem, someone else is always to blame

You can’t fully accomplish drama day by acting like nail polish chips are some sort of natural occurrence. You must to find someone to blame for this so you can yell at them. For example, you can yell at the person who gave you the pedicure; unless, of course, you gave yourself the pedicure. In that case, you are going to have to call the 800 number on the nail polish to find someone to yell at. It will take a little longer, but well worth your time.

Always remember that everyone is out to get you.

Let’s say, for instance, co-worker sends you an email without commas. Why did she send you an email with bad punctuation? Because she was trying to get work done? No. She sent you an email with no punctuation because she does not respect you. You are not worth the commas. You should spend the rest of the day carefully composing a long diatribe about professionalism in the workplace and commas. The more people you can CC on this, the better.

Lastly, and most importantly, phlegmy people will not be tolerated.

This shirt will prevent phegmy people from trying to use your clothing as kleenex. I have never actually seen this happen, but you can’t be too careful.

The most admirable outcome of Drama Day was @zippy219 who “picked a fight over nothing with a coworker just because I don’t like her.  She’s phlegmy.” Phlegmy people should always be yelled at as much as possible. If you can’t yell at them, you should at least attempt to spike their tea with Allegra in order to eradicate the cause of your irritation. For any tips of what type of tea is best to spike with Allegra, you should probably refer to my friend lahikmajoe’s expertise at lakimajoedrinkstea. He will definitely be able to recommend something.

@zippy219: I now declare you the Drama Day winner. I didn’t know it was a contest until now, so there aren’t any actual prizes, but congratulations anyway.
 I must also give credit to @debihen for coming in a close second with the very powerful, last minute, drama day rant:
@lgalaviz yelled at me ’cause I did #dramaday wrong. She has ruined my week. #heavysigh
Note how many of the characteristics of a successful drama day @debihen incorporates into this statement. She identifies the problem, assigns blame, and assumes that I am out to get her, thus utterly ruining her week. 

Well done, @debihen. The heavy sigh was a great touch. If only you could have somehow worked in phlegm.
Even though the official Drama Day is over (at least for now) feel free to leave any further rants or Drama Day suggestions below. 

Update on how to maintain emotional stability

@ivycanucchi suggests that wine is also a potential candidate, but if you are out of wine, Xanax wins.

How to Remain Emotionally Stable

Circle of Moms presented a survey that somehow ended up in my inbox. The topic of this survey was…

How do you remain emotionally stable?

As my cursor hovered dangerously over the delete button, I suddenly thought to myself, how DO people remain emotionally stable? Granted, not everyone has multitudes of kids running around, but there are always some days that are better than others. I decided to click on this link, this key to lasting emotional stability.

Upon clicking the link, you will find at the top of the page, Teresa’s comment with the winning total of 44 votes. Her advice is this: “The first thing one can do is pray and to look up for God to guide in the situation.” I don’t know about you guys, but every time I pray to God, I worry about him secretly making fun of me. In case you haven’t read it, the guy was not cool in the Old Testament. He spent most of his time turning people into pillars of salt and unleashing plagues. I find this type of behavior untrustworthy. His idea of guidance would probably be to tell me to build an ark or something. The guy seems to be a bit of a prankster. (Side note: Don’t worry, I can say these things, because I am a very close friend of Satan.)

Maybe person number two has some better advice, scanning down… Ah here we go…

Next, we have Janice who repeats, I’m assuming for emphasis, “Yes, pray, pray, pray.” Crap. Does no one on this damn forum have anything original? Okay, one more…

Tammy also feels compelled to share her religious enthusiasm: “So good to see you and other Moms leaning on God!! Children are gifts from Him to raise for Him.” Okay, that is IT. If your children are ‘gifts from God,’ why do you need a forum to figure out how NOT to go insane because of them? I was right. God has an odd sense of humor.

Please allow me to give you all some real advice on how to stay sane.

First of all… Stop yelling.

If you go around yelling all the time, no one will know when you are seriously outraged. I know this guy who yelled at his kid to eat a hotdog. If you are yelling at a kid because he won’t eat a hunk of processed meat, what are you going to do when he comes home with that DUI? All your cards have already been dealt. You are going to have to fake a heart attack or something.

This shirt is for people to wear to Little League games…
or when watching any of the Real Housewives reality series.

I do realize that I may have, quite recently, told some of you to go to work during  #dramaday and yell at people, but that was for fun. Yelling at people for your own amusement is totally different.

Secondly…  Quit letting stupid things get to you.

A woman from cubicle world (i.e., the place I work) once spent an entire day calling the city of Garland to complain about Vietnamese people having a party across the street from her house. Apparently, these people had some beer and left the bottles in their front yard. I am not sure why it was of particular importance that they were Vietnamese, but it was.

She kept calling all these people and telling them she knew the mayor. I kept thinking that if she really knew the mayor, maybe she should just call him with her complaints directly. When she ran out of people to call, she spent the rest of the day asking everyone in the office if there was some sort of Vietnamese holiday she didn’t know about. As if anyone needs a holiday to drink beer in their front yard.

I can see how it would be troubling to look across the street at the evidence of a party to which you were uninvited, but why get all worked up about it when you can use the situation to your advantage? The Vietnamese people have a yard that is already messed up. Grab a lawn chair and a couple of big forties, and head on over. You won’t even have to recycle.

This shirt will either provoke racial tension, or prompt people to bring you beer.
Let me know how it works out for you.

My final bit of advice for maintenance of sanity: Rant on Twitter.

Aside from vodka, ranting on Twitter is my main source of stress relief. I spend most of my time on Twitter in some form of rant, and I’ve found it to be very helpful. The people on Twitter are both witty and very smart (I’m not sure if they are real, but let’s just keep that between us, okay?). They have helped me through several existential crises, and gave many helpful suggestions for dealing with overbearing family members (and this wasn’t even during the holidays).

So, if you are losing your emotional stability. Please feel free to talk to God to see if you need to build that ark. But, if you don’t hear from him immediately, try the virtual people on Twitter. They are always there waiting, safely tucked away in your phone.

Addendum…

I must give credit where credit is due, Circle of Moms member, Reiko, earned 33 votes with, “Have a stiff cocktail and take a deep breath.” Thank you, Reiko. Your survey votes are now at 34.

Update on how to improve your life by going to Harvard

I would like to extend an invitation to all my virtual friends to join my imaginary Harvard canoe team. Gigi will be in charge of the megaphone, and rebecca_ods is our first official team member. I don’t know how many rowers are actually on a canoe team, but I am sure it is flexible.

The rowing is imaginary, but the pints are real.

 


All proceeds from the Harvard Canoe Team will go towards improving my son’s substandard education. It was suggested that a good way to remedy his mediocre educational opportunities would be to send him to Montessori school, so that is where the funds will go. Not for actual Montessori school tuition, but for a large sign that says, “Montessori” that we will hang above the door of his current school. So, who is with me? All we need is a canoe and some oars.
And a megaphone.


How to improve your life by going, or not going, to Harvard

When someone close to you looks at you and directly asks, “Don’t you want the best for your child?” It calls for a little reflection. However, what I consider best for my child, and what you consider the best could very well be two different things. With all due respect, there are different ways of raising a contributing member of society. –Is that what I am supposed to be doing here? Sometimes I miss the obvious.–
I just want to make sure my kid is happy. If a successful career complete with wife and kids make him happy, so be it. Maybe he wants to be a serial killer, or just loot stores for television sets. That would be fine too.  Perhaps he wants to be a Southern Baptist Snake Handler or a Tea Party Activist. Now he is pushing it, but I would still see my way through to support him.  I just want him to have a fulfilling life, however he defines that for himself. All I ask is that if he is going to be a serial killer, not to bring any severed limbs to the house. We never have any room in the freezer as it is.
This shirt helps serial killers to relate better to the general population. 
Stating you are NOT a serial killer will generally put people at ease. 
Maybe my kid wants to go to Harvard, or the local community college. I am fine with either. Granted, I’m not paying for Harvard, unless it really improves your life in a measurable way.  In that case, I might go too. Has anyone out there been to Harvard? If so, please explain objectively how this experience has improved, or downgraded your life. Also, were you on one of those rowing canoe teams? Are those at Harvard? I have always wanted to be on a rowing canoe team where you row the canoe with the guy yelling through a megaphone, then go out for pints after.  Maybe it is the pints that are appealing. Either way, please advise.

How NOT to Raise a Child

This is probably going to be a multi-part series. I may have to split it off into a separate blog.

TOPIC ONE: How NOT to Choose a School

I am feeling angst because a very close family member disapproves of the school where I am sending my son.  From what I gathered of the conversation, I should be sending him to a school full of Asian or Indian kids, because their performance is so much better than that of American children. I love our school because it is diverse, the teachers are kind, and my kid is happy there. Are these the right reasons? Also we don’t want to move to a fancy neighborhood so my son can go to school with a bunch of kids raised by tiger moms. No offense if you are a tiger mom, but I have sat next to you at little league games and you guys really stress me out.  

This shirt is for tiger moms to wear as a warning to others. Now people won’t have to give up a perfectly good seat on the bleachers to avoid you when you start screaming at your kids. 

In my defense, I stated that our selection of neighborhood and school was carefully thought out and I would appreciate her not treating our educational choices as haphazard decisions. However, in retrospect, we did choose our house because the lot has nice trees. Also, we drove by the elementary school down the road and didn’t see any police tape, chalk outlines, or obvious drug trafficking, so we assumed everything would be okay. Apparently, it is far from okay. According to the school ranking system, our school is only RECOGNIZED. A really good school would be EXEMPLARY.  Even though we are still one notch above those poor souls who are only ACCEPTABLE, it was a rookie mistake to choose a house because it has nice trees.

This shirt is for those of you who are recognized. You worked hard to achieve this, and it would be a shame for people to not recognize that you are recognized.
This shirt is for those of you who are acceptable. If you are not acceptable, wearing the shirt might help you out for a while, but I can’t guarantee how long the illusion will be maintained.

Personally, I work very hard to achieve ACCEPTABLE in my own life, and it is not as easy as one might think. Maybe it is not the school my son goes to, or the house that we live in. It could very well be me that is lacking in what it takes to be RECOGNIZED or EXEMPLARY.  I asked my son when he was two years old if he wanted to be a child genius, and he said ‘no.’ Maybe I should have pushed harder, but that ship has sailed. Now he is like every other slacker American kid playing with his Nintendo DS instead of learning to play the viola. This is not because of the educational system. It is because of me. There it is everyone… it is not the fault of the wonderful teachers at my son’s school, it is not the rating system, the problem is me. He could have cured cancer if I didn’t buy him Super Mario Cart.
And NO… if you are EXEMPLARY, you do NOT get a damn shirt. Don’t even ask.
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